I'm getting married. There's going to be hundreds of wedding guests, huge plates
of biryani, henna’d hands, and a handsome groom. But this isn't my wedding. My wedding's
not for another six months, and before the aunties pick me apart, I'm trying
to figure out how to do things right. You see, the arranged marriages of our
parents' generation look really different than relationships now. And weddings
aren't just a party – they set the tone for what our futures look like as hyphenated Americans.
Hi, I’m Shreen. I’m Indian American. And this is my fiancé, Soheb.
He's also Indian American. We're in the middle of planning our traditional
Indian wedding here in the U.S. And when I say ‘traditional Indian’ I should say ‘Muslim.’
Because in India, there are Hindus, Muslims, Sikhs and more. And they all have
different wedding traditions, which are intensely debated. Making the wrong call
could lead to family boycotting your wedding day.
— It’s complicated.
First point of contention: the dress. This is my little sister, Yasin.
Today she's helping me shop for my wedding dress.
So this would be really nice for your Sangeet or your henna.
There are so many dress options for brides these days. I could wear a traditionally red lehenga, like this.
A super modern fusion one, like this. Or something in between.
What do you think of this?
— Ooh, it's pretty from the front. What does it look like from the back? Oh my God, it’s backless.
What would mom say if I wore this?
— She wouldn't let you wear it.
I think if I were a Hindu or Sikh bride, I could totally rock this.
But for a Muslim bride, it would just be too scandalous.
Would you ever want to wear something like this?
— As a bridesmaid?
As a bride.
— I don't really want to be a bride.
How come?
— I don't really believe in marriage. I think that there's just so much pressure on, like, of course you're going to
get married, and we'll find a person to be this placeholder. And I just don't see that for myself.
Weddings are such an insane capitalist industry.
You could take that money and be part of a way to a down payment on a house.
— Yasin, if you don't get married, you'd be the first woman in our family to opt out of marriage intentionally.
That's pretty cool.
— That's super cool.
Because then it’s like, what does that open up for my life?
My sister has a point. But getting married is at the core of my Indian identity.
Before me, almost all the marriages in my extended family have been arranged. The aunties
would get together and swap details on wedding resumes to find the right match:
someone with the same religion, language and status. But I never wanted an
arranged marriage. My fiancé and I have what's called a "love match" which means
we found each other without involving our parents. And we waited until we were
in our 30s to get married. Which is really old in Indian standards!
And just because our families are both Indian doesn't mean they have anything in
common. They don't even speak the same language.
— Yeah, like mine. They speak Gujrati. Kem cho [How are you]?
And mine speaks Urdu. I don’t understand a word of what your family says.
And it only gets more complicated
if you marry outside the culture. Enter Jessica and Hardeep. Her family is German
and Christian. His family is Punjabi and Sikh.
We both met each other on the online game “World of Warcraft” and we met each other killing monsters.
He would send something in Punjabi and I'd have to translate it.
– Oh, wow.
And then I'd something in German and then he'd have to translate that.
Jessica and Hardeep kept their relationship secret from his parents for nine years.
I am the first in my family to marry someone who is not Desi.
— And that’s a big deal.
It's a big deal.
— Who did your parents want you to marry?
So my parents wanted … a perfect scenario would be someone Desi,
from Punjab, who’s Sikh, speaks Punjabi, and is familiar with all the traditions.
— And you brought home …
A white girl.
It was definitely difficult to be the secret. I had told
him numerous times over and over again, you need to tell them. And he's like, 'I
don't wanna be kicked out and I don't want to lose them.' I mean, I can totally understand that.
If you look back at 1940s, 1950s, you
didn't even see who you married. Your parents just went over to another
parents house, they talked to each other and you were engaged, and you didn't even
see your bride or the groom. Me, I'm just the complete opposite of that culture. I've decided everything.
When he finally got the courage to tell his parents about Jessica,
things got so heated that they stopped talking for a while.
My dad was fine with it right away. But my mom, she's more traditional and
she was more stuck on, “Oh, you should marry a Desi girl.” But, eventually she came around.
I can understand Jessica and Hardeep's situation because my older
sister Yazi also married outside the culture.
Tell me about some of the traditions that you grappled with when you were wedding planning.
— Well, I really wanted to make sure that the ceremony reflected us as a couple,
that our partnership is a partnership, and it's an egalitarian partnership.
So, for example, we had a woman officiate our nikkah.
Which was a big deal.
— Which was a big deal.
In Muslim weddings, the nikkah is when we sign the Islamic marriage contract.
In Sikh weddings, couples circle the holy book four times to get married. And
during Hindu weddings, they take seven steps around the ceremonial fire.
Modesty is so important. Even in Bollywood movies, for the longest time, there was never
ever kissing, and like the couple’s faces are so close together, but they would never kiss.
During the wedding ceremony, we did not. We walked out
and we had a private moment to ourselves, and our first kiss was right there.
— I'm struggling with that. It does feel like a loss to me.
How come?
— I've been watching movies for 30 years where, after you seal your union, you kiss.
To me, getting to stand up in front of all our friends and family was a sealing of our union.
—I'm not sure if we're going to kiss on our wedding, but I really want to.
Something that Soheb and I really want to have is dancing,
but dancing can be a bit of a taboo in our community. So why is that?
Would it make you uncomfortable if we pulled you onto the dance floor?
What about if we pulled amijan [grandma] and baba [grandpa] on the dance floor?
What my mom is saying is that you probably wouldn't see this at a Desi Muslim wedding. But this is
Jessica and Hardeep’s wedding, and Punjabis are known for dancing. Soheb’s
parents, by the way, also have reservations about dancing at our wedding.
Yazi got married and I'm next. So, of course all eyes are going to point to Yasin.
What are your thoughts on Yasin not wanting to get married?
What does that mean?
So if I don't change my mind?
But mom, that’s kind of interesting, because you are divorced, and you and dad, your marriage didn't
work out. And you're so happy being a single, you know, independent person. So why is marriage so
important for Yasin if we've seen that the marriage can be quite flawed?
Even my grandpa, who we call baba, is trying to change Yasin’s mind.
— So you think I’ll change my mind?
— What if I don’t change my mind?
There’s one more thing I haven’t talked to Soheb about yet: the maher. It’s a
Muslim marriage tradition of a cash gift the groom gives the bride.
It’s the opposite of a dowry, which the bride’s family pays the groom and is common in
Hindu weddings. On Jessica and Hardeep’s wedding day, we saw something lighter.
Hardeep was blocked from entering the gurdwara until he paid Jessica’s family to step aside.
I’m really nervous to talk to you about the maher because it feels totally anti-feminist to choose a number,
negotiate that number, and then like expect my partner to pay for it. And it just seems really old school.
—No, I think you get to use it, like you can … that's your money.
You get to use that the next day if you wanted to.
Have you heard that there’s a number that is the traditional number to give as a maher?
— Yeah, it was. So there’s a way to calculate what that maher would be in today’s terms.
What's the equivalent in the present day? Scroll, scroll, scroll. In dollars, it is approximately $396.70.
— Yes!
And then it ends with, “And Allah knows best.”
— Allah knows best. He knows the bestest. I think it would be helpful to understand the process,
if you talk to my mom or my sisters. Or my dad.
– Or my dad.
— Yeah. Or your dad.
– Hi dad!
Asalaam walaikum [Peace be with you]! How you doing?
So, pop-pop, I have some questions about maher. Why is that important?
What would the minimum be?
I don't know, that sounds like a lot, dad. I feel like I'm earning, so why would I ask for so much money?
$10,000 is reasonable, in your opinion?
Used car. Okay, pops. Well, thanks for your advice.
As I’m making decisions about our wedding, I now realize that it’s OK to switch things up.
Culture evolves and our perspectives will, too. On our wedding day, Soheb and I
will be reinventing Indian traditions to fit our American lives — even if it doesn’t please the aunties.
Oh, and back to that whole kissing thing …
Cool. So we're doing it?
—Sure.
Yes! Really?
— Yeah. If you want to kiss at the wedding, we can kiss at the wedding.
I do.
Thanks for watching our video on Indian weddings.
Let me know what conversations you’re having about tying the knot, or not tying the knot.
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