We took our daughter to a movie
a couple of months ago.
I like the movies, right?
We're at the movies and the lights
come down and the movie gets
real dark in the movies.
And then on the screen
it says, Please Turn Off Your Cell
Phone.
And my wife panics and goes, "oh, no,
"it's in the car."
(audience laughing)
Even my daughter is like,
is mommy OK?
What just happened?
Did she hit her head?
Do I still get to go to camp?
It's a $5,000 camp.
And am I going to hurt her
over this?
No.
I was very concerned.
I said, what should we do?
(audience laughing)
Which was when her brain came back.
See, the problem is what we say
is dumb is 90% either they don't
know, or that spark that they need,
that one piece of information
isn't there.
And something has to jog
that information.
And when I said to my wife, what
should we do, her brain came back.
And she said, "shut up!"
(audience laughing)
So I'm a jerk because she's
an idiot.
(audience laughing)
And now we've gotten
into your marriage,
haven't we over here?
This guy, oh, honey you've
done that.
You're dumb.
We love you.
We're going to be so nice to you.
(audience laughing)
I can't do it anymore though, man,
that guy.
I just can't see the pain.
I can't see the hate.
I can't see the scared and the sad.
And it's tough.
It's tough,
you go to Walmart or something,
and it is frustrating.
They're not getting the job done
some time, right?
They don't know.
But you can't hurt them.
Please don't hurt them.
OK, quick story-- my daughter
and I were at Walmart.
And I know I'm bagging on Walmart,
but I think they can handle it.
So anyway, we're trying to check out.
And we literally have Lulu the one
eyebrowed Neanderthal cashier.
Oh, my gosh, this poor thing.
Her DNA did not spin all the way
to the top.
I don't know if you understand what
I'm saying.
But if this was a lighthouse,
there would be so many steps
missing that the bulb is out,
and the ships are hitting the shore.
I don't know.
OK, a lot of you not getting that.
Now, what I'm doing right now
as a comedian when I used to hurt
people,
if I made fun of somebody enough,
I could take away their humanity
and then be mean to them.
What's the big deal?
Can't do that now.
Can't do it.
And the problem we were having with
this lovely lady
was the magic glass.
You know the magic glass?
And he's like, "oh, could you talk
"to them?"
(audience laughing)
They take the item when you check
out, and they wave it
over the magic glass.
It goes boop, and then they put it
in a bag.
(audience laughing)
Bar code, bar code.
Well, nobody had explained to her
about the bar code.
They just said wave, and she thought
the magic was that it didn't always
work.
And so I'm looking at the bar code,
and it's under her palm on some
of the stuff.
It's on the other end.
And I'm getting frustrated,
but I'm not going to be mad.
I'm not going to hurt her.
Two reasons, one, my daughter
is with me.
I don't want her to see me acting
like a jerk in public.
If you ever wondered why your kid's
a jerk, it's probably because you're
a jerk.
OK, second thing is, she was nice.
She was sweet.
When we're mean to nice people--
when you see people mean
to nice people, it tears at my soul.
She was like, "well, I'm so sorry,
"honey.
"This machine's funny.
"It's just funny."
I wanted to go, oh, no, you're dumb,
honey.
I love you.
Hey, see that?
Go get it.
Boop.
There's another one.
But that's mean, mean.
I now help people.
I do the right thing.
She goes like that, and I go boop,
and she sets it down.
(audience laughing)
Boop, set it down.
(audience laughing)
Now, sometimes it boops.
Boop, and I boop, boop, boop.
And I get the double boop.
Then she'll turn, take one off.
(audience laughing)
Money in your pocket right there.
(audience laughing)
And she feels like she's doing
a great job.
(audience laughing)
When you affirm people,
they work harder for you.
No one has ever been humiliated
into performing better.
Humiliation is a great motivator,
only for revenge.
That's all I'm going to do for you
if you humiliate me.
You humiliate my kid in school,
I'm going to stop you.
So you can't do that.
She's feeling better.
She's going to work harder.
The people in the line
think it's moving faster.
And I get $180 worth of stuff
for $5.50.
That's America right there.
That's why you're here.
That's why.
(audience cheering)
That is why you are here, lady.
(audience laughing)