Singer and musician
Marilyn Manson is being investigated
for domestic violence that took
place over a decade ago.
Now he hasn't denied
the allegations.
He said, "Back then I
"was in a really weird place."
(audience laughing)
Marilyn Manson.
(audience laughing)
Frostburg, Maryland, the police chief
was bitten by an illegal alien.
She was charged with frostbite
and turned over to ice.
(audience laughing)
And finally in Indiana, a man
was arrested for breaking
into his ex-wife's house to steal
a cookbook.
He's been charged with baking
and entering.
(audience laughing)
I like it.
I'm keeping it.
That's the Zany Report.
Thank you.
(audience applauding)
It's time to do a little thing
I like to call
the Zany Report.
Anybody wanna hear the Zany Report?
(audience cheering)
For the folks that may not know,
this is my take on the news.
A lot of great things going on
in the news,
and I like to keep on top of that.
Jason, do you stay on top of the news?
Nope?
Then this really gonna work well.
(audience laughing)
Are you having a good time, Jason?
Yeah, can you show it?
(audience laughing)
I apol—Do you laugh inside?
(audience laughing)
Is there any way
you could move to the back?
(audience laughing)
It's just been a rough 12-months.
I've lost a lot of dear friends
and family members.
I have been in so many funerals.
Always a paul bearer.
(audience laughing)
Everybody mourns differently, okay?
(audience laughing)
A new study has found pessimistic men
are likely to die early.
Knew it!
(audience laughing)
The Las Vegas City Council
has outlawed urination
and defication in public.
They said it's been their
number one and number two priorities.
(audience laughing)
Hey, there's a high
suicide rate among dentists.
How many dentists are here?
See.
(audience laughing)
You seem happy. I don't believe that.
(audience laughing)
Dateline Alabama,
a cougar found in a local motel
has been euthanized.
Officials are warning women over 50
to stay away from this motel.
(audience laughing)
Dateline Woodland Hills, California,
six cars collide into
a spilled load of avocados.
Luckily chips were on the scene
in minutes.
(audience laughing)
Guacamole!
(audience laughing)
Honda has come out with a lawnmower
that can go up to 150 miles per hour.
They're very popular with gardeners
who have been spotted by ICE agents.
(audience laughing)
Look, if we don't laugh, we'll just cry.
(audience laughing)
Boise, Idaho.
The city recorded its hottest day
at 106 degrees
beating out the old record
of 105 degrees set in 1875.
Now officials, of course,
are blaming this
on global warming,
and in 1875
they blamed it on summer.
(audience laughing)
Summer.
(audience cheering)
Port Charlotte, Florida, a woman says
lightning destroyed her septic tank
'causing her toilet to explode.
And in a sign of poetic justice,
it also hit the ceiling fan.
(audience laughing)
(audience cheering)
One and a half cups of spinach a day
may reduce the risk of stroke.
The study went on to say,
(mimicking Popeye)
(audience laughing)
See, doctor, I don't think that's true.
Have you seen Popeye the sailor?
It looks like he's had a stroke.
(mimicking Popeye)
(audience laughing)
Dateline Omaha, Nebraska.
The Fire Department wants
to charge $400 a pop
for helping pick up people
who have fallen,
prompting Life Alert
to unveil their new slogan,
"I've fallen
"and can't afford to get up."
(audience laughing)
This one's for you, Will, okay?
In Florida, police arrested a man
for pouring ketchup on his girlfriend
while she slept.
This is not the first time
he's been in trouble with the law.
In fact, he's an ex condiment.
(audience laughing)
It takes time for that joke to ketchup.
(audience laughing)
Washington D.C.,
two men were arrested
for shooting
an ice cream truck driver.
Now the driver will survive
because he was only shot
in the Drumstick
and the Nutty Buddies.
(audience laughing)
Those are two ice creams
available on a truck.
(audience laughing)
Trust me.
(audience laughing)
A Connecticut man who's on parole
was arrested for hiding
heroine in his Bible.
Now he's been charged with possession
and leading us into temptation.
(audience laughing)
A sad note.
A 70-year old Kansas City man
robbed a bank
because he preferred incarceration
than to continue to live with his wife.
(audience laughing)
The sad part, she plans to visit him
in prison every day.
(audience laughing)
In cat news, we got some
cat people here obviously.
(audience laughing)
Hollis, New Hampshire,
police are on the lookout
for someone who abandoned
nine kittens
on the side of the road.
- [Audience Member] Woo!
(audience laughing)
- [Bob Zany] You may wanna go now.
(audience laughing)
When caught,
they'll be charged with littering.
(audience laughing)
Bigger laugh had you not go, woo!
(audience laughing)
A new study has found
one out of six smartphones
are covered in fecal matter.
The other five
just get crappy reception.
(audience laughing)
(audience clapping)
Dateline Hollywood, California,
a driver hit a deer
on the 101 freeway.
Police said they knew
it was a Hollywood deer
because it has a fake rack.
(audience laughing)
(audience clapping)
As we all know, in 2016,
Mother Teresa was made a saint.
You know that, right?
But what you don't know,
she was traded by the Lions
for two martyrs to be named later.
(audience laughing)
(audience clapping)
Wrong town for this joke?
(audience laughing)
Dateline Denver, Colorado,
police have arrested 50 people
and seized more than
23 pounds of black tar heroine.
Now activist say
if it was white tar heroine,
this would never have happened.
(audience cheering)
This is scary.
An adult bed bug can live
550 days without eating.
Yeah, beating out
the Olsen twins by three days.
(audience laughing)
In dog news...
(audience laughing)
Andrew, you like doggies?
You have a dog?
Okay.
Did you know a dog
can make 100 facial expressions,
beating out actor
Mickey Rourke by 99.
(audience cheering)
'Cause he had a lot of work done.
(audience laughing)
This is a fun fact.
A dog can smell if you have cancer.
And the really good news,
if your dog tells you
you only have a year to live,
it's really seven.
(audience laughing)
(audience clapping)
Buena Park, California,
a man was arrested
after he bit the eyebrow off
another man during a bar fight.
Yeah, they didn't release
the name of the victim,
but they said,
"You'd know him if ya saw him."
(audience laughing)
(audience clapping)
Queensbury, New York,
a woman pleaded guilty to giving,
listen to this, Heather,
giving her three children
vodka and marijuana.
Now, she told the judge,
if I didn't do it,
they'd just go out on the streets
and get it from grandma.
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
Bridgeport, Connecticut,
a five-year old
brought 50 packets of heroine
to school for show and tell.
Did not get into trouble because
he had enough for everyone.
(audience laughing)
Shareseys.
Shareseys is alive and well.
(audience applauding)
Now, you remember that movie,
127 Hours?
It actually took place in Moab, right?
Remember the climber?
Middle of no where,
got his arm trapped.
Cut off his own arm to escape.
Now they asked the real life guy
if he'd do it again.
He said,
"Yeah, but only one more time."
(audience laughing)
(audience clapping)
I am so proud of all of you.
That was a math joke,
and you did it in your head.
(audience laughing)
Even the kids didn't bring out
their calculator app.
They're doing a biopic of
the crocodile hunter, Steve Irwin.
It's only gonna be available
in blue-ray or stingray.
(audience laughing)
Too soon? Too soon?
I have a theory.
I think he mocked these crocodiles
for so long,
the stingray was hired
by the crocodiles
to take this bastard out.
And then probably paid it
in sand dollars.
(audience laughing)
Any questions so far?
(audience laughing)
Now I've asked
a few of you this questions
so you'll have the same opportunity.
Anything you wanna ask me,
go right ahead, I read a lot.
(audience laughing)
I have some questions.
Can an orphan eat
at a family restaurant?
(audience laughing)
(audience clapping)
If I marry two midgets,
is that big of me?
(audience laughing)
Wrong state to do that joke in?
(audience laughing)
Do poor white trash
go to the movies just
for the trailers?
(audience laughing)
Yeah! Come on people!
(audience cheering)
I can't keep this enthusiasm up.
If someone steals my identity
and I kill 'em,
am I committing suicide?
(audience laughing)
If a TV weatherman has cataracts,
are all their forecasts partly cloudy?
(audience laughing)
This is where you can get involved.
What do you call an armadillo
with leprosy?
A dillo.
(audience laughing)
A dillo.
What would probably help out
right now with that joke,
if you could just Google
symptoms of leprosy.
(audience laughing)
If an electrician's kid gets into trouble,
do they ground them?
(audience laughing)
If you hit a person
with an electric car,
can you be charged with battary?
(audience laughing)
If I poop on a picture of Satan
am I damned if I do-do?
(audience laughing)
Should the Fiber One bar
really be number two?
(audience laughing)
Here's some more
good news/bad news.
A Nebraska woman gave birth
to a baby girl
at the Dixon County Fair.
The bad news,
she got a fourth place ribbon
behind two pigs and a goat.
(audience laughing)
Jefferson City, Missouri,
the Public Defender's Office
is experimenting
with sending text messages
to defendants
to remind them of their court date.
That's a good idea.
So far the defendants reply with LOL.
(audience laughing)
They're probably not gonna show up.
(audience laughing)
Hamden, Connecticut,
listen to this, Will.
A 13-year old boy woke up
and found a skunk in his bed.
The smell was so bad the skunk left.
(audience laughing)
(audience cheering)
McKees Rocks, PA, a two-year old girl
got trapped in a toy crane
vending machine at the mall.
Police said it took over 50 quarters
to get her out.
(audience laughing)
Here's a good, this is a very
interesting one right here.
This is in Philly, PA, okay?
Let me get to it.
A man is suing Chick-fil-A
for serving him
a chicken sandwich with
a rat baked in the bun.
Now the 300-pound plus man said,
"I was so disgusted,
"I almost didn't finish eating it."
(audience laughing)
That was a good one to end on.
(audience laughing)