-Our next guest is the host of "The Zarna Garg Family Podcast,"
available on YouTube.
Making her late-night debut,
please welcome the very funny Zarna Garg.
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
-Namaste, "Tonight Show!"
[ Cheers and applause ]
Namaste. It's so exciting to be here.
This may come as a shock to some of you, but I am an immigrant.
[ Laughter ]
And when I say that, people often wonder
if I have a sad, depressing backstory.
And I do.
It was hard to come here. I flew coach.
[ Laughter ]
And everything is complicated in America.
My 11-year-old son came home from school the other day,
and he said, "Mom, my school has asked me
to declare my pronouns.
What should I say?"
I told him, "You tell them you're Indian.
Your pronoun is 'doctor.'"
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
So, I live in New York City with my husband and three kids.
Two boys. Whoo-hoo!
One girl. Whatever about her.
[ Laughter ]
No, it's okay, it's fine. She has a therapist.
That's right, I pay $350 an hour
so the two of them can talk smack about me.
And my daughter, she's dating a white boy.
Yeah. No, no! It's okay.
It's a phase. Everybody goes through it.
[ Laughter ]
And I've been most supportive.
I told her, "You do you, whatever makes you happy."
Because if I don't say that,
that's six more sessions at $350 an hour.
But I did say to her, I said, "Listen to me.
It's fine you're dating this boy,
but please don't post a photo with him on the Instagram."
And she goes, "Why not?"
I said, "Because if your grandma, dadi sees it,
she will drop dead."
Then I thought about it. I said, "Okay, post the photo."
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
So here's the thing. I can be a little immigrant-y.
You may have picked up on it.
And my kids are very much born and raised in America,
so we're constantly butting heads
on how they think and how I think.
And in a spirit of trying to understand them,
I said to them, "Why don't you pick a TV show
that we can all watch together?"
And they picked "The Bachelor."
Now, in this show, "The Bachelor,"
there are a lot of beautiful women
wearing very tiny, tiny clothes,
and they're all chasing after this one guy, the Bachelor.
And this guy, he's just a regular guy.
He's not a doctor or anything.
And the whole show,
this guy is making out, having sex,
making out, having sex, making out, having sex
with each of these different women.
And because of this show,
my kids think that that's what a relationship is.
So my son says to me,
"Mom, Dad and you are going to get divorced."
I said, "Why would you say that?"
He goes, "Because I never see you making out."
I said, "We don't make out, because we are not on TV.
You put us on a reality show and pay us,
we act out the whole Kama Sutra."
[ Laughter ]
[ Audience cheering ]
And then he went to throw up. [ Laughs ]
But the thing about the Kama Sutra
is that it is true Indian people wrote it.
But I can promise you, no Indian man has ever read it.
It's a lot like the Americans and their Constitution.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
But forget about all this.
Let me tell you about my 17-year-old son.
So handsome! I show you a photo afterwards if you want.
I just got the best piece of news about him.
You're not going to be able to handle it.
My 17-year-old son is now 5'8" and 1/4 inches tall!
[ Cheers and applause ]
This is amazing, because the average Indian man
is 5'5".
America made my son taller!
Usually, it makes people fatter.
My husband and I are both short people.
We used to pray to God that our sons should be tall,
but there is no Hindu god of height.
19,000 Hindu gods,
and not one for the thing every Indian person needs.
I mean, what good is it having all these extra arms
if you can't reach anything anyway?
[ Cheers and applause ]
Thank you. I'm Zarna Garg. Thank you.
♪♪
-Crusher! A crusher.
That is so good. Thank you so much.
Zarna Garg!
The "Zarna Garg Family Podcast" is available on YouTube.
We'll be right back with more "Tonight Show," everybody.
Come on back.