Hi, I'm Kai Cheng Thom, and you're watching
Ask Kai: Quick Tips for the Apocalypse, a series of short
videos in which I teach you everything you need to know
about love, life, sex, dating
and happiness in the middle of our ongoing
spiral into complete global
collapse.
But it's fine, just watch the video.
You'll be great.
One of our editors here at Xtra put out a call for
like ses focused questions for this
series and man, you people really
delivered. I am overjoyed.
So today's sexy, spicy question
is: How can I ask someone to
fulfill my mommy fantasy?
So, for the uninitiated out there, anyone who's watching
this like, what's a mommy fantasy?
That's a perfectly normal question.
You know, some of us are more versed in, you know,
various forms of kink and fantasy than others.
So to quickly explain, a mommy fantasy
is essentially an erotic fantasy.
So it's an idea of like a scenario or relational
dynamic that makes the person with the mommy fantasy feel
aroused, turned on hot, sexy,
wherein there's sort of a roleplay dynamic going
on, where one person is in more of a dominant role
or mommy role, and the other person is in more of a
submissive or bottom role, sometimes known as
like a baby role or a little role.
And in this dynamic, the mommy
or dominant is sort of providing like a nurturing,
often slightly caricaturized or stylized
roleplay or like act, that is like
a mothering, but also sensual or sexual
at the same time. And this flavor, the flavors of this
can kind of range from like, very
like soft and tender and caring to like slightly
more authoritarian or disciplinarian.
It depends on the specific preferences of
the mommy and baby or child or little
roleplayers in question.
Sometimes when we think about kink or roleplay, you know,
the words "Mommy fantasy" or "Daddy fantasy," people come
up with these images of like, people in different outfits,
like specific roleplay acts
or costumes, things like this.
And that might be part of someone's mommy fantasy, but a
mommy fantasy could also be really subtle and sort
of more focused on verbal dynamics, or just kind of
like the emotional aspect of the relationship.
Again, it really depends on the people who are in the
relational dynamic and having the fantasy.
So essentially, a mommy fantasy can look like a whole bunch
of different things based on preference.
So I really like the question: How can I ask someone
to fulfill my mommy fantasy?
Because it implies consent.
It's like the you know, the first part of the question, is
how can I ask?
And to me, that's like, OK, well, how can I make sure that
this question is landing with someone in a way that feels
good, OK, safe, appropriate and all that sort of thing?
And it sort of answers itself, like I always get like,
kind of I laugh at myself when people ask questions that
are like, How can I ask for this?
Or How can I get this? Because like, really, it's pretty
straightforward. You just ask.
Right? Like, there's not like some like like magic
secret. You don't have to like, wait for like, I don't
know, like the dark of the Moon or the third month of
the year while standing naked in a bucket of eels.
Like, really, you just ask for what you want.
But of course, you know, there are little subtleties that
we want to observe.
And that's like, well, OK, we want to ask someone who can
be reasonably be expected, so maybe have a positive
answer to your question. So we're thinking about consenting
adults, preferably already in some kind of
intimate relationship with you or negotiating
an intimate relationship with you, like someone you meet on
a dating app or something. You might not already be in an
intimate relationship, but like, you're there and you know,
that's what the communication is for.
You want to ask people who, you know, you're already in a
kind of intimate situation with where all the
hallmarks of consent have already been met.
And those hallmarks are like, is this person able to say no
and not fear any consequence?
Are they able to understand what you're asking them?
And this is true of any kind of sexual act or sexual
dynamic, erotic roleplay.
You know, you just kind of want to look for those markers
of appropriateness and consent.
But what I really want to lay out for folks
is that, you know, I really am working from like a
risk/aware/consensual kink framework.
I really believe in risk/aware/consensual kink or other
frameworks for kink that hold consenting adults
within a framework of safety and kink positivity.
And so what we really want to foreground here is that
any kind of mommy fantasy or daddy fantasy,
parent fantasy, fantasies that involve power dynamics
or imagined age dynamics, like again,
imaginary. These lie in the realm of fantasy
and being aroused by fantasy is pretty different
from being aroused by reality.
Right. So to bring that into reality that would really
freak out most people and like that wouldn't actually be
sexy. And so this is what I want to kind of foreground
with this question is like, we're really talking about
fantasy play. We're talking about consensual play.
We're talking about, you know, looking for partners who
might already kind of be into that.
And so when we're asking, like, how do I invite
someone into like a particular kink that's
like a mommy scenario or a kind of any kind of like
top/bottom or dom/sub kind of scenario, that's
what we're really looking for is like we're really looking
for someone who can understand that this is in the realm of
fantasy. It's between consenting adults and
it, you know, follows kind of the rule of pleasure.
Like as long as everyone's having a good time, then it can
continue. And if it's not and you don't continue.
And that again is part of the initial negotiation.
So how do you ask someone, you're looking for someone that
you're already kind of like edging toward intimacy with or
you're already in intimate relationship with?
And then, you know, basically you can test the waters with
them. Like I would say it's a good idea to
ask someone generally like, Are you into kink?
Do you have any kinky fantasies?
Before we jump right into, And I would like specifically
for you to play this particular role in relation to me,
like, yeah, we don't want to get too specific.
And that's what tends to freak a lot of people out who are
newer to kink also.
Actually, it's kind of a lot of people out when someone is
like, Here's my really specific fantasy.
Here's what I would like you to do. Like actually, often
we just want to be like, are you into kink at all?
Like, what kind of erotic fantasies do you have?
And often someone will give you signals like someone might
say, Oh, I'm into topping or bottoming, you know,
in a physical way. And then some people might say, Oh,
well, I'm into domming or subbing in
like an emotional or psychological way.
And if someone is saying, Oh, I'm into domming or, you
know, I'm into sensual dom, that sort of thing, that's a
good hint that you could probably ask them about,
like a mommy fantasy, that kind of thing, and expect
to have like a like a reasonable conversation about it.
If the person is like saying, No, I'm not into kink at all,
do not move forward with your request.
I just think, you know, it's probably not a good idea.
And you know, again, even if they're saying, like, Oh,
I'm into kink, I'm into domming, I would still ask more
questions like, you know, how do you feel about
age play? How do you feel about, you know, power dynamics?
We want to like kind of start at the surface and then lower
our selves in deeper and deeper.
And this is just to make sure that everyone is comfortable,
including the asker, right?
Because we don't want to put ourselves in situations
where we might be kink shamed or someone might
misunderstand what we want and really like, you know, kind
of lash out at us. We want to make sure we're all having
the same conversation again about risk/aware/consensual,
consenting adults, all of that sort of thing, so that
the ground is laid for us all to have a good
time. OK, so that's it for today.
Again, loving these questions, you spicy little sex nerds,
keep them coming, I'd love to answer more questions
like this. Thanks so much for watching.
Once again, I'm Kai Cheng Thom.
This is Ask Kai: Quick Tips for the Apocalypse.
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