[applause, cheers] - Thank you.
Joke one--
[laughter]
I feel like we give people their props,
but we don't give things their flowers.
We always give people their flowers,
but not special things.
Tonight, that's going to change.
The Plan B pill costs $40.
[laughter]
That's amazing.
For 20 years, it's been faithful to us, at $40.
Gas done went up.
The price of eggs done went up.
Plan B been $40.
A PlayStation costs 800.
To make sure that baby never sees the light of day--
[laughter]
$40.
Even if you don't agree with it,
you got to admit it's a great fucking deal.
[laughter]
They can make that pill so much more.
Men, we'd fucking buy it.
[laughter]
They can make that $2,000.
That's a real plan B. You got 48
hours to come up with two grand or she going to have the baby.
[laughter]
You see dudes picking up extra shifts,
waiting tables-- wondering why your Uber
driver falling asleep--
[laughter]
Like, you good?
Yeah, I got to do six more trips
or she's going to have the baby!
[laughter]
I like y'all. All right, cool.
You took the Plan B joke good.
All right, good.
[laughter]
I got diagnosed with, like, severe anxiety
and panic attacks, like, a year and a half ago.
All right. You laugh.
That's what's up. All right.
[laughter]
I'm going to be honest with you, man.
I ain't even know what that was.
I didn't know what anxiety was.
I thought anxiety was white people's way of saying they
ain't want to do some shit.
[laughter]
True story.
I used to bar-tend for a living.
Before I did this, used to bar-tend.
And when you come in the morning,
the bar is supposed to be clean.
Because if it's not, it produces fruit
flies-- a dirty situation.
So when I came in, it was fucking dirty.
I was pissed.
I said, why the bar dirty?
Oh, you didn't hear what happened to Dan last night?
I said, what happened to Dan?
Dan had a panic attack.
[laughter]
It run in his family.
He started hyperventilating and sweating.
He think he about to die.
I said, so his whole family just be panicking?
[laughter] I was so pissed.
He got into work at 3 o'clock.
I was like, Dan, let me talk to you for a second.
Get in the back.
Why didn't you clean the bar last night?
He's like, I had a panic attack.
What time did you have it?
[laughter]
He's like, 11 o'clock.
Why didn't you clean the bar up by 10:45?
It's like, do you know what a panic attack is?
A panic attack is when you fighting somebody
and you accidentally kill the nigga.
You know what I mean?
[laughter]
You don't mean to. You panic.
You know what I mean?
[laughter]
Like OJ Simpson had a panic attack that night.
[laughter]
That make sense?
[laughter, applause]
I didn't know what I had, dawg.
I was just shaking at night for no reason.
All right.
I was just doing this all night.
I ain't know what was going on with my body.
It was over Zoom.
I had to call a doctor, right?
I called this white lady.
I was like, how you doing?
My name is Syd.
I've been shaking at night and shit.
[laughter]
She's like, why?
I was like, hold on one second. Let me find it.
See if I got it. What are you looking for?
My degree, bitch. I don't know why!
[laughter]
That's why I'm calling you.
True story.
I said, can you give me some medicine?
I'm not giving you no medicine. Boop.
And she hung up.
True story.
Now, for six more months, I'm just shaking,
my blood pressure rising.
I don't know what's going on with me.
I finally get, like, this old Black lady.
I love Black women, dawg.
Older women, ah, because they look at you like you their son.
They a little aggressive, but they mean well.
[laughter]
I got this old Black lady over Zoom, dawg.
I was like, how you doing?
She's like, what's going on with you?
[laughter]
I said, um, I got--
I'll be-- I'll be doing this at night and shit.
Hmm.
She's like, where your daddy at?
I was like, he passed.
Check one.
[laughter]
You got any siblings? I got a brother.
Where he at? He passed.
Mmm, check two, we unpacking.
Where your mama at?
I said, she in the living room.
Is she alive?
I said, yeah.
Thank God.
You stressing me out.
[laughter]
I said, but she got cancer.
Shit!
You got an anxiety, boy.
I was, like, what is that?
It's like computer screens open in your body you're not using.
On a computer, the computer will freeze.
A human, your body will start doing this.
I said, so what do I do?
I'm going to give you some medicine.
I was like, all right, cool.
I'm going to be honest with y'all.
I've never taken any mental health drug in my life.
I've just taken Tylenol and naps.
[laughter]
She gave me 100 milligrams of Zoloft.
All right.
I ain't never had that before.
Zoloft, if you don't know, it'll handicap your emotions.
Like, you're not allowed to have none.
[laughter]
I never wanted emotions before.
Like, just make me feel good, but don't
take all of my emotions.
Now I'm popping Zoloft daily.
You know what I mean?
My mama set me down.
She's like, listen, baby.
The radiation is not working, and I'm not
going to be here much longer.
All right. I love you.
All right. And I wanted to cry.
That's my mama.
I love her.
My last relative alive, right?
But I had 200 milligrams of Zoloft in me.
[laughter]
So the Zoloft is like, excuse me, I got this.
Hey, people die every day,
B. [laughter]
But you're not going to put all that on Sydney.
I'm Zoloft. How you doing?
Nice to meet you.
I called my doctor the next day.
Like, I don't like this shit!
She's like, well, you the one that was panicking, boy.
I said, what do I do?
She said, you tell people your cup is full.
I said, what?
You tell people your cup is full.
You can't handle a bunch of information right now.
You tell people your cup is full.
I said, so that's all I do?
I just walk into crowded rooms, like, hey, how you all doing?
My name is Sydney.
My cup full.
[laughter]
And everybody going, oh, but he shaking his shit at night.
Yes!
I'm like, all right, that's what the fuck I do.
I'm not the person to call with your bad problems right now.
My granddad died.
Oh, well.
I went home to see my mom one day.
All right. True story.
It's perfect smoking weed weather.
All right.
It was like 72 degrees.
It had just rained.
I was like, uh, I got to roll up, right?
[laughter]
I'm outside.
Like, I'm smoking, having a good time.
All right.
And my mama neighbor, who I never
met, but she a white lady. All right.
She pull up in his taxi.
And I'm in Fort Worth, Texas.
We don't got taxis like that.
So I'm, like, suspicious.
All right.
And this white man-- true story-- get out the car
and starts yelling in the passenger seat,
get the fuck out the car, lady.
Get out the car!
All right.
I put my blunt down, like, no, I'm fixing to go inside.
[laughter]
Because the police going to come and arrest me.
I'm like, look, they the one tripping.
I'm just doing drugs. You know what I mean?
[laughter]
I'm, like, looking, right, through the window, right?
This white lady is, like--
like, yelling at the man.
I was like, oh, crazy. I went to mind my business.
That's what I'm good at, minding my business.
All right.
Then maybe like three minutes later,
I go back by the doorway, I can't make
this up-- the taxi is gone.
White lady in the grass, like, looking at me,
screaming for help.
Hand to God.
Can you help me?
Like, please, can you help me?
And before I could move, my ancestors came in my body
and was like, you better not go outside.
[laughter]
Helping a white lady like helping an alligator.
You know what I mean?
[laughter]
You might mean well, that motherfucker
will still bite you.
You know what I'm talking about?
[laughter]
Looking dead at me, can you please help me!
All right.
So I just closed the door.
[laughter]
She's like, what are you doing!
I was like, my cup is full right now.
[laughter]
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