The reality is, we will get hurt; you know, they say
they sometimes describe dating as a contact sport, you know... Well
it's inevitable, in being with each other, one of the other
metaphors was the prickly porcupines, that inevitably prick each other
but still find a way to huddle for warmth. Well, we will hurt each other
and we will have losses; and yet the ungloving, the undefended heart, discovers
we discover a heart space that has room for all of that; that's where the freedom is.
So as you practice now, and you might just, you know, bring yourself into a position to practice,
choose a relationship where you'd like to be more intentional,
more present, more undefended; but don't choose a relationship that
brings up a lot of trauma for you because it won't serve you in this setting
start with a relationship where it's more doable, where you can actually practice a little
it's still an exquisite risk; any choice
to stay present and be vulnerable is an exquisite risk
so bringing up a relationship where you'd like to be more there or more courageously present
as if you're at the end of your life looking back, that you'd really want to be more true to yourself
and as you have this person come to mind, sense your intentionality
that there's a willingness to explore that exquisite risk of uncovering, of
opening a bit to the vulnerability that is in all of us
at your own pace
and you might scan and look for a situation with that person that illustrates where
you get blocked, where in some way you move into
more of your control strategies; you get caught up in getting distracted or
judgmental or presenting yourself in some way, or withholding... whatever it is
where it's hard for you to really land and arrive
and just to bring the lens a little closer, you might ask yourself:
'In that situation, what is it I'm unwilling to feel?
What might happen if I really paused and opened more and became more present?'
and that's beginning to have tea with Mara, that's where you can start recognizing: 'Oh, okay
if I allow myself to pause and open,
hm, there's a fear that I'll be judged or I'd have to put down a judgement
there's a fear that that person will never change in a way I want them to
I'll never get what I want
or there's just an awkwardness that if I stop thinking or controlling or
acting the way I normally do, I won't know how to be, I'll be embarrassed'
so we begin to have tea with Mara, by recognizing - this is RAIN -
'Oh, so that's what's going on'
and the A of RAIN, to allow it, just let it be there; that's the beginning
of this willingness to stay - just let it be there
it's as if you've paused the frame with this person
they're still there but you're letting yourself really go inside
you begin to investigate and just feel in your body, where are you uncomfortable?
What's going on inside you?
You can include investigating in saying: 'Well what am I believing?
Because maybe there's some belief that, wow, if I really open up some
the other person will judge me and not like me
they'll be uncomfortable, they'll want distance'
or believing 'If I put down my judgement or put down my agenda with that person
they'll never change and I'll never really have the person I want to be close to.
What am I believing?'
But with whatever you find, come back to your body; feel your throat, your chest
your belly, and sense where is the most vulnerability, where do you feel most
uncomfortable, scared, hurt, embarrassed...
Breathe with it, and you might even
if it feels strong, put your hand on your heart and keep company,
because that's the beginning of nurturing, keep yourself company
nurturing deepens when you just really bring love to that place
the part of you that's uncomfortable
you might send a message: 'It's okay, heart's okay, sweetheart'
or just 'this belongs, this is natural'
you might have a mantra like Rama, like Gandhi did
you might imagine the Divine Mother or some spiritual field of loving or light washing through you
bring kindness to the place that feels vulnerable
see how much you can wash through your heart with a gentleness, a kindness
and sense the presence that wakes up, the heart space that opens
when you've had the courage to feel the vulnerability and bring kindness to it
you might, from the heart space that's here, now bring
the other person onto your screen again and sense
more choice in how you might relate with that person
what might be possible? Just sense what might be possible?
Might you listen more, ask them more questions that are real questions?
Share something more truthful about yourself?
Maybe you'll decide to in some way let them know you're caring about them
that you want to have them feel your care, or something you appreciate about them
Sense the choices that open up
and you might imagine, in the days and weeks to come, that whenever you're with this person
that there can be a bit more presence with the real feelings inside you, or pausing
and more creativity and choice in the quality of presence you bring
more freedom to respond from loving presence.
Again Mark Nepo:
'Our challenge each day is not to get dressed to face the world
but to unglove ourselves so that the doorknob feels cold
and the car handle feels wet
and the kiss goodbye feels like the lips of another being
soft and unrepeatable.'
Namaste and thank you for your attention.
[bells]