(crowd applauding)
- A couple years ago, my wife and I, we bought a house.
My favorite feature was that lining the front
of the property was a fence.
This fence had a motor, right, yeah.
(crowd laughing)
This was a hot rod fence.
and there was a button at the end of the driveway
and if you push that button,
the gate in front of the driveway, it opens.
(crowd laughing)
And if you press that button again, it closes.
(crowd laughing)
So I was outside one day at the end of my driveway,
just hitting the button.
(crowd laughing)
(speaker humming)
Just passing the time, opening and closing my gate.
When my next door neighbor peeks over her fence.
She says, "Hey, enjoying your fence, huh?
"You know, I told the former owner
"that fence is over height.
"It's too high, it actually violates zoning regulations."
So I said, "Why don't you mind your own business
"you old dried up, bitch, who asked you."
Is what I should have said.
That's what I should have said.
(crowd laughing)
Now I didn't think much of it
and then about two weeks ago,
I'm walking out my front door, maybe gonna squeeze in
some mid-afternoon opening and closing of the gate.
(crowd laughing)
And I see that my fence got a ticket.
(crowd laughing)
That's right.
Somebody from the zoning board,
probably one of the zoning board cops pulled over
my hot rod fence and gave it a ticket.
(crowd laughing)
Now I like to imagine when my fence was pulled over
that it was like kind of a dick, you know,
that it was like all cocky kind of belligerent.
The zoning board guy pulled it over,
he is like, walks up, zoning board cop's like,
"You know why I pulled you over today?"
My fence is like,
"'cause you went to a state school,
"can't find a better job?"
High fives the mailbox.
(crowd laughing)
And so this is where,
this is the point where my wife smashes into the story,
like some human-sized picture of Kool-Aid and she's like,
"It was that coughing bitch next door who turned us in."
Quick sidebar, the woman next door,
our neighbor in question has emphysema.
(speaker laughing)
(crowd laughing)
Not cool.
So I said to my wife like,
"What are we gonna do, confront her?
"I mean she has emphysema."
And my wife's like, "Oh, I'll give her emphysema."
And I was like, "No, no, no, you don't have to.
"She's got it."
She's got the thing.
So I mean, that was it.
There was nothing we could do except tear the fence down.
That's right, I'm sorry,
but about a month later, I'm at work
and I get a call from my wife,
"Hey, hey, what's going on, sorry to bug you at work.
"Just a quick question, how do you unsend an email?"
(crowd laughing)
And I was like, "Super easy, to unsend an email,
"all you do is live in 1994 when we're all on dial up
"and that was even a remote possibility.
"Why do you want to unsend an email?"
And she's like, "Oh God, so today I got an email
"from our dying lady next door and she's like,
"Hey, keep an eye on the people that live behind you
"'cause they're doing some work on your retaining wall,
"and it might affect the slope of your backyard."
So my wife is saying
I forwarded that to you with a note that said, "See?"
and I'm quoting my wife directly now.
"See, this proves that it was that know-it-all cunt.
(crowd laughing)
"Who turned us in for having an over height fence."
And I was like, "Baby, I didn't get an email from you."
And she was like,
"I know because instead of hitting forward, I hit reply.
(crowd laughing)
"So what do we do?"
It's super easy, all we have to do is move.
(crowd laughing)
And I was like, the only other thing we can do is kill her
and make it look like emphysema.
(crowd laughing)
So my wife, she walked next door,
and knocked on the door and apologized face to face.
Yeah, high road.
(crowd applauding)
So I learned that day that that's what you do.
You take the high road, you apologize to someone's face
and I also learned from my wife that when you do so,
it'd be helpful to have your newborn baby in your arms
as you do it.
She's like, "Ooh my god, I am so sorry.
"Can you please find it in your heart to,
"oh, did you hear that, someone's got the hiccups."
Thank you everybody.