When your toddler does things like hitting, pushing, biting another child or taking a toy,
your instant reaction might be to force them to say sorry. While we as adults understand the
importance of apologizing and making amends when we wrong others, forcing toddlers to say sorry in
these situations doesn't achieve what we assume it will. What you get from your toddler when you
do this is a quick flippant "sorry". They're saying the word sorry but they don't understand the real
meaning behind it or even why they have to say it at all. This is why forcing your child to say
sorry doesn't teach them to be truly remorseful. There is a much more effective way to drive
positive behavioral change in these situations but it does come with some challenges with toddlers
purely due to where they are at this stage of development. So let's talk more about that
approach and how to navigate those challenges effectively. What we want to do is help your child
recognize and care about how their actions affect others rather than forcing an apology. This way
when your child does apologize it's coming from a place of genuine understanding and remorse.
For instance if they hurt another child the hope is for them to feel sorry because they can see
the other child is in pain and try and make amends. Or if they break a friend's toy to feel
remorseful because their friend can't use that toy anymore. This sounds relatively simple but it's
not for your toddler. That's because when they're under four years of age children are quite
egocentric. They're in their world and they generally assume that everyone else sees,
thinks and feels exactly as they do. This is very typical at this stage of development and as they
grow they'll start to realize that not everyone thinks and feels the same way they do. This
recognition known as theory of mind is said to start developing at around the age of four or
five years. Therefore expecting a deep meaningful apology before this age might be a bit much.
Moreover you can't force anyone, toddlers included, to feel a certain emotion including empathy or
compassion which are the emotions that would make us want to say sorry. So rather than forcing a
sorry here's how you can approach it instead. The goal here is to help your toddler see how
their actions affect others and guide them on how to fix things. Next time something happens where
you feel an apology is warranted start by drawing your toddler's attention to the other child's
behavior and pointing out how they may be feeling. For example if your child pushes a girl down the
slide and she gets upset you could say, "See that little girl? She's crying because she's feeling
sad!". Doing this does a few important things. It keeps your toddler from feeling guilty or
ashamed of their actions making them more willing to try and fix things with the other child rather
than getting upset or defensive. It also helps your toddler to notice and understand that the
other child is feeling sad. This teaches them that other people have feelings too and sometimes those
feelings are different from their own. And lastly it teaches them to recognize emotions like sadness
or happiness in others which is a crucial skill for developing empathy. Next you want to help your
toddler connect their actions to the other child's feelings. So you might add, "She's really sad
because she got pushed." Finally and most importantly you want to encourage your toddler to make amends.
So you might say, "She's really sad because she got pushed. Let's go see how we can help her feel
better." Now before I dive into why that final step is so important I want to quickly mention that the
words you use to help your toddler understand how their actions affect others matter. You need to
make sure that you adjust your language to match your child's level of understanding. That's where
the communication milestone chart comes in. I put together this free guide to show you what language
skills you can expect from your child from their first birthday all the way up to four years of age.
It will help you tailor your words and explanations in a way that your child can understand. To get
your free copy just click the link in the description below this video. Now the reason this
final step is so important is by actively involving your toddler in the process of making amends,
whether it's through giving a simple hug, offering an ice pack, returning that toy that they took,
or helping fix something that's broken, you're showing them how to make amends and teaching them
to be a kind and caring person. And when they do these things your toddler gets to experience how
good it feels to be kind to others. This joy and satisfaction they get from being kind then
motivates your toddler to keep being kind and to make amends on their own when it's needed in the
future. Now during these moments it might be hard to get your toddler to cooperate and check in on
the other child. This may be due to big emotions or just plain stubbornness. For example just the
other day my five-year-old became upset because his older sister and her friend wouldn't give him
the toys they were playing with. Considering it wouldn't have been fair to make my daughter give up her
toys simply because her brother suddenly wanted them, I didn't make her. But I did try to get her
to understand how he was feeling and I pointed out that he was crying and clearly upset. I then
suggested we go and see what we could do to make him feel better which didn't involve handing over
the toys. But she flat out refused and trust me when I say she was not going to budge. In these
moments when your toddler just won't check in on the other child, remember it's okay. I know it
might feel a little bit embarrassing for you as it always does for me, but developing empathy and the
ability to see things from someone else's point of view takes time. It's important to be consistent
even if they don't get it on the second, third or fourth try. They're still learning and you just
need to keep working on it. So in these situations when persuading them just doesn't work it's
important to step in and model the behavior yourself. So if we were to use that slight example
again you could approach the child and say something like "I see you're sad. I'm sorry you
got pushed. Is there anything we can do to help you feel better? Would you like an ice pack or
something to drink?" By modeling empathetic behavior yourself you're building a strong
base for your child's development. You're teaching them how to be kind individuals who recognize the
impact of what they do and own up to their mistakes. This approach which encourages genuine
understanding and making amends is far more meaningful than just having them say sorry
without truly understanding why. Helping your toddler negotiate conflicts and make amends is
just one of the many challenges that come with parenting a toddler. To help make your life with
your toddler a little easier make sure you watch this video next. In it I share four of my best
tips when parenting a toddler. Following these tips will help you manage challenging toddler
behaviors including reducing the frequency of tantrums and also help make life with a toddler
in the house a little less stressful.