♪♪
12B threw up during takeoff.
Ugh.
You always know.
I can spot the weak ones.
All right, folks, we're going to do one last lap
to collect trash,
but please get into your seats with seat belts buckled
to prepare for landing.
[ding]
Man:
this is your captain speaking.
We're beginning our descent now,
uh, estimated time of arrival in Sea-Tac Airport
is 7:30 AM, local time.
Man 2:
John:
Sometimes that button sticks, but I think I got it.
Man 2: So how's your ex-wife?
John:
She's just the worst, Roberts.
Roberts:
John:
I wish she'd get electrocuted.
I'm not even going to lie.
What's going on-- ah!
John:
Roberts:
I was really watching and I thought
they were all uggos, to be honest.
John:
That dude with the dog shirt, I mean,
was his face even a face?
[both laugh]
[knocking]
Captain Hansen, Copilot Roberts?
Roberts:
John:
that dumb look on her face whenever she's like,
[southern drawl] "Captain Hansen?
"Eh-eh-eh!
Copilot Roberts?"
Roberts:
John:
My painkillers are starting to kick in.
I'm on a pretty hefty amount of Percocet
from my knee surgery.
Roberts:
when you're on painkillers.
John:
Well, I feel fine, other than the blurry vision.
Look out, there's a bar!
Oh, no, sorry, Roberts, that was just my hand
in front of my face.
[laughs]
Well, shoot.
Guess I've always got you to land the plane for me, though!
[laughing]
Roberts:
I've never actually landed a plane before.
My instructor died before we got to that part
because I crashed the plane.
John:
You're an animal, Roberts!
Roberts:
Oh, John, are you okay?
I think we're tilting.
John:
I feel so relaxed right now.
Captain Hansen?
John:
BOYS WILL BE BOYS!
Roberts:
when I said I couldn't land this plane,
and I don't think you're supposed
to lean on the control board like that.
John:
Roberts:
Your drool is shorting out the circuits, sir.
[beeping]
Why would you need to take off your belt right now?
John:
It's very uncomfortable.
AH, WE'RE CRASHING!
Roberts:
We're nowhere near the ground yet.
John:
Oh, wait, no, you're right.
That's just a cloud.
WAIT, NO, IT'S THE GROUND!
Oh, no, you're right.
Hey, hey, Roberts.
I never told you this, but, uh,
I'm proud to call you my daughter.
Roberts:
[screams]
Roberts:
John?
John, oh my goodness, John, are you dead?
Oh, he's dead!
We're going down!
Hey, aren't you a pilot?
[indistinct mumbling]
Roberts:
I CAN'T TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE SKY AND THE SEA!
[all screaming]
[ding]
Hey, folks, we are just experiencing
some slight turbulence,
but we should be free and clear in a moment.
MAY HEAVEN GRANT ME SERENITY!
MAY I GO PEACEFULLY AND THE PASSENGERS DIE
IN WHATEVER WAY ALLOWS ME TO DIE PEACEFULLY!
[grunting]
Roberts:
YOU'RE SO ANNOYING, BUT I'M GLAD YOU'RE HERE.
CAPTAIN IS DEAD.
Cheryl:
Get out of the way!
I'm landing this thing!
[intense music]
[wailing]
[intense music continues]
[wailing]
[music stops]
Roberts:
[slap]
Ah!
My face!
This is why we're not together anymore, John.
[applause]
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Which is German, actually, for "sad, small raccoon."