This video is part 4 in our series on how addicts and alcoholics manipulate
their families and everyone else around them. For those of you who don't know me,
I'm amber Hollingsworth, Master Addiction Counselor, founder of Hope For Families
Recovery Center, and I've been working with people with Substance Use Disorders (addicts and alcoholics) for the past
15 years, and I'm taking all the information, insight, and secret knowledge
to help you conquer addiction once and for all.
I think I'm going to call this tactic (#4) the Pufferfish tactic, because
when this happens, it's when the addicted person or the alcoholic becomes so difficult to
deal with, they puff up, like a puffer fish (with spikes everywhere).
Eventually, the family and friends (and everyone else) decide it's not worth
it. The families/friends start walking on eggshells, because you don't want to deal with the
drama, that comes when they confront that person, because eventually
addicts and alcoholics figure out if they can puff up and be spikey enough,
you'll leave them alone. Lucas: yeah Amber: They (person with Substance Use Disorder) will find some reason why they're not right or whatever. Lucas: and the
deal is, generally if I raise my voice with somebody... or anyone
raises their voice, with anybody then that person's gonna raise their voice back.
It's just gonna keep escalating. So, if I can start that going it's almost
just like lighting a fuse. Now I just have to wait . It's just gonna keep going
back and forth (higher and higher and higher) until it blows up. So, there's
definitely some planning. I could use that
person's anger against them. Then, if I can stay cool during that whole thing,
after I get them riled up, it's like wow 1 You have an anger problem, I think
we're done with this conversation. I'm gonna leave because you obviously need
to cool off. Amber: You get to take the high road out. Lucas: Yeah man.. and I mean... that's really
the gaslighting to me. is just planning to make someone feel crazy mad
and then using it against them. Andrew: No, I didn't skip lunch I skipped dinner.
And then automatically, it's kind of like your argument is invalid, because
it wasn't lunch, it was dinner. Absolutely. Amber: sort of goes way down
left-field. Anderw: Yeah, and before you know it, you spend more energy going
back and forth about lunch. Amber: It's just important to recognize that this is a
manipulation tactic. They're well aware that they're doing it . Addicts and
alcoholics will most definitely start a fight with you in order to feel
justified, to walk out the door, and go use . I like to refer to that as an "I'll get
drunk at you episode". Other times if you get them backed into the corner,
they'll just be plain out mean. They know exactly what your buttons are, and
they're going to push them. This has even happened to me in counseling sessions.
I've had addicts and alcoholics come into my session (I can tell from the
get-go they're trying to start a fight with me), it's like there's nothing that I
can say right.
Mason: Like, that never stopped.
(That whole I'm the boss I'm the boss mentality). That didn't stop
for a long time. They would yell at me, and I'd be like..." alright, perfect, thank you very much,
I'm gonna go break some more rules because you made me angry. I acted it
emotionally because of you. Amber: Now, I don't respect you, I don't care what you have
to say. Mason: So it was a house and their offices were in the basement. It
was him, and one other case manager and I would go down there every
morning, (after he woke me up, and told me something I needed to do), and we would
get in top decibel screaming matches (for like ten minutes)
Amber: Wow! Mason: and then I would go upstairs, and I'd be like perfect, I got my excuse.
for the day. Amber: Yeah. Mason: and they went on like that for seven months.
I was just constant yelling.
Amber: As soon as I sense that this is what's happening, it's time to
get strategic Sometimes, I'll call it out. I'll be like...
Dude, are you trying to start an argument with me? I'll call attention to what's
happening (the dynamic), between me and the person. Other times, I'll say
something like... You know what? Today, you are having a bad day. I get it, everybody has a bad day sometimes.
I'm gonna give you a do-over. Let's give you a couple days you'll feel
better. Maybe, you'll feel more like talking. We'll bring you back in here on
Friday. Now when I do those things, those are
strategic maneuvers That's not me backing off because I think it's not
worth it , or this person is just being mean, or starting to fight.
That's me making a strategic decision to not bite the fishhook.
Your situation might be a little different. There are a few different strategies
you want to use, in this scenario. Sometimes you need to let them know ....Hey!
You can be as ugly as you want. This isn't going to go away. Sometimes you
just call it straight out for what it is. Other times, you just decide... I'm just
going to disengage in this. Tell them, you'll come back to this conversation. This is one of
those situations where it's different dependending on the person (and
definitely need to see it, because it goes hand and in with this topic right