OH, HELLO, SNOWFLAKES AND FINGERPRINTS,
WE'RE ALL SPECIAL. LET'S GET IT OUT OF THE WAY.
(laughter)
YOUR PARENTS WERE RIGHT.
YOU'RE ALL UNIQUE AND DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
ANYWAY, I AM GETTING A LITTLE SICK AND TIRED
OF TELEVISION NETWORKS' THINKING
THEY CAN JUST REPACKAGE THE SAME SHOW
WITH A DIFFERENT NAME
AND YOU'LL JUST WATCH IT LIKE SOME SORT OF DUMMY.
LIKE, THEY'LL SIT THERE, LIKE, "OH, YOU LIKE 'WIFE SWAP'?
HERE'S 'TRADING SPOUSES.' YOU'RE STUPID, WATCH IT."
THAT'S THE ATTITUDE THEY HAVE. "YOU'RE DUMB.
IT'S THE SAME THING. WATCH IT, YOU'LL WATCH IT."
THEY TOOK MY FAVORITE SHOW.
MY FAVORITE SHOW IS "I SHOULDN'T BE ALIVE."
THAT'S MY FAVORITE SHOW,
AND E! TELEVISION GOT A HOLD OF IT,
AND THEY JUST CALL IT "KEEPING UP WITH THE KARDASHIANS"
AND THEY THINK I'M NOT GONNA NOTICE.
(laughter)
OH...
(cheers and applause)
THAT'S A FUNNY JOKE, AND IT'S A SAD TRUTH.
UM...
I HAVE MORE MONEY THAN I'VE EVER HAD IN MY ENTIRE LIFE RIGHT NOW.
BEFORE YOU GET EXCITED, IT'S NOT A LOT OF MONEY.
I CAN--I CAN CONFIDENTLY PUT A DOWN PAYMENT
ON, LIKE, AN '09 CAMRY RIGHT NOW.
CLOTH SEATS.
I MEAN, AS FAR AS THE PAYMENTS, WHO KNOWS.
I DON'T KNOW, THAT THING'S GONNA GET
REPOSSESSED BY DECEMBER, PROBABLY.
BUT FOR A GOOD COUPLE SEASONS, I CAN ROLL BIG.
I HAVE THE AMOUNT OF MONEY ANY 34-YEAR-OLD SHOULD HAVE
IF THEY APPLIED THEMSELVES AT THEIR JOB
AS AN ASSISTANT MANAGER AT FOOTLOCKER
FOR THE PAST 14 YEARS.
BUT I GOT IT FROM COMEDY, SO I GOT IT
FROM DOING SOMETHING I LIKE SO I DON'T HAVE THE RESPONSIBILITY
THAT COMES ALONG WITH THAT MONEY.
LIKE, I SEE THAT MONEY, AND I JUST, LIKE--
I SEE MY BANK STATEMENT, AND I'M, LIKE,
"OH, WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT YOU NEED, KYLE?
"YOU NEED A BRAND-NEW ELECTRIC GUITAR.
THAT'S WHAT YOU NEED."
NO, WHAT I NEED IS TO GO TO THE DENTIST
'CAUSE I CAN'T BREATHE IN COLD AIR
WITHOUT WINCING LIKE I TRIED (bleep) A LIGHT SOCKET.
THAT'S WHAT I
I NEED TO BE ABLE TO PIECE OF CANDY
WITHOUT HAVING TO MOVE IT BACK AND FORTH IN MY MOUTH
LIKE A GAME OF LABYRINTH SO IT DOESN'T HIT THE MAGIC TOOTH
THAT MAKES ME FORGET MY MIDDLE NAME FOR TWO HOURS.
THAT'S WHAT I NEED.
SO WHY DON'T YOU GET OFF THE B.C. RICH WEB SITE
'CAUSE YOU'RE TRYING TO FIND THE GUITAR C.C. DEVILLE PLAYED
IN "TALK DIRTY TO ME."
WHY DON'T YOU GO OVER TO 1-800-DENTIST
AND GET YOUR FACE FIXED?
(laughter)
LIKE, I STILL HAVE, LIKE, POOR PEOPLE--
I USE JUNK MAIL TO COVER FOOD IN THE MICROWAVE.
I THINK THAT'S OKAY. I THINK IT'S RESOURCEFUL.
PEOPLE TRY AND TELL ME, LIKE, "YOU CAN'T DO THAT."
WHY NOT? I GOT TARGET COUPONS I'M NOT GONNA USE.
I GOT SOME CHILI I WANNA HAVE.
PROBLEM SOLVED.
"WELL, YOU CAN'T HEAT UP INK."
THAT'S NOT-- YOU'RE NOT A SCIENTIST.
DON'T TELL ME YOU CAN'T HEAT UP INK.
THAT'S A DUMB THING.
BUT I HAVE TO DO THINGS TO GET--
THERE'S STILL SACRIFICES BEING MADE.
EVEN THOUGH I GET TO DO WHAT LOVE,
THERE'S STILL SACRIFICES.
LIKE, I HAVE TO GO-- AND SOMETIMES I HAVE TO GO
TO PLACES LIKE WINNIPEG, CANADA,
FOR TWO WEEKS AT A TIME.
(audience member cheers)
YEAH.
BOY, CHEERING? NOT AT ALL.
WINNIPEG, CANADA'S, GREATEST TOURISM SELLING POINT
IS THAT THEY ARE THE GEOGRAPHIC CENTER OF NORTH AMERICA.
THAT'S IT.
STOP ON BY.
WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF EVERYTHING ELSE.
WE'RE OF EQUAL DISTANCE AWAY FROM ANYTHING ELSE
YOU'D RATHER BE DOING WHEN YOU'RE IN WINNIPEG, CANADA.
(laughter)
THE HOTTEST NIGHT, THE SEXIEST NIGHT
I HAD IN WINNIPEG, I'LL TELL YOU, IT WAS A MONDAY
AND I GOT STONED ON MARIJUANA EVEN.
YEAH.
I GOT STONED. THEN I ORDERED A PIZZA.
THEN I FORGOT I ORDERED THE PIZZA.
THEN I GOT EMOTIONALLY INVOLVED WITH a TV SHOW
ON COUNTRY MUSIC TELEVISION CANADA
CALLED "PICK A PUPPY,"
(laughter)
WHICH IF YOU CANNOT DEDUCE
FROM THE TITLE OF THIS PROGRAM,
THE PREMISE IS THAT THEY WILL TAKE A PERSON OR PERSONS,
AND THEN THEY WILL PRESENT THEM WITH A SELECTION OF PUPPIES
AS IF EVERY OTHER PROBLEM IN THE WORLD HAS BEEN SOLVED.
THIS IS WHAT DRAMA IS IN CANADA.
(laughter)
SO BY MINUTE NINE OF THE SHOW, I'M STANDING ON THE COUCH
JUST YELLING, "GET THE GOLDEN RETRIEVER,
"IT'S A LOYAL CREATURE! IT'S GONNA LOVE YOU FOREVER!
DALMATIAN?! GET OFF MY TV, YOU DUMB WHORE!"
AT WHICH POINT THE DOORBELL RINGS,
AND I IMMEDIATELY THINK IT'S THE POLICE
BECAUSE NOBODY IN THE HISTORY OF WINNIPEG HAS EVER EXPRESSED
THAT SORT OF EMOTION PAST THE HOUR OF 8:30 P.M.
(laughter)
I OPEN THE DOOR.
I'M TOO HIGH TO MAKE EYE CONTACT.
I'M PRESENTED WITH WHAT I THINK IS A GIANT.
THEY'RE PROBABLY ONLY 3 INCHES TALLER THAN ME.
I CAN'T TELL IF IT'S A PIZZA MAN OR PIZZA WOMAN.
I JUST LOOK AT THE PIZZA.
THEY'RE LIKE, "HOW'S YOUR NIGHT?"
I'M LIKE, "OH, WE'RE TRYING TO PICK OUT PUPPIES,"
WHICH YOU CAN'T SAY OUT OF CONTEXT.
THAT SOUNDS REAL STRANGE.
(laughter)
HE GIVES ME THE TOTAL.
I GET THE MONEY OUT OF MY POCKET.
I FORGET I HAVE CANADIAN MONEY.
I LOOKED AT IT, AND I REMEMBER IT'S ALL
LIGHT BLUE AND PINK WITH A QUEEN ON IT
AND I JUST LAUGH, AND I SAY, "YOU HAVE LADY MONEY."
(laughter)
I THEN PROCEED TO TAKE THE LADY MONEY
AND WHAT I THOUGHT WAS A KIND GESTURE
OFFER IT UP TO THE GIANT OR GIANTESS.
SO I'M TAKING MONEY I'M LAUGHING AT
AND DANGLING IT OVER THE HEAD OF THE PERSON
WHO HAS TO DELIVER ME A PIZZA LIKE THE BIGGEST (bleep)
IN THE GEOGRAPHIC CENTER OF NORTH AMERICA.
THAT'S ME, KYLE KINANE.
THANKS, EVERYBODY. HAVE A GOOD NIGHT.
(cheers and applause)