This is a legendary actor who for tonight only has lifted his restraining order against us.
Please welcome, Alan Alda.
- [applause] - [shouting] Alan!
Alan Alda!
- Hello. - Hello...
[both] Oooh, hello.
[laughing]
Alan... Alan, thank you, thank you for being here for letting bygones be bygones.
- Don't get too close. - Alright, OK.
That's true.
[stammers] That by the way, there's a special word there that we have for you tonight.
Oh yes.
You know, when you open up a Chobani yogurt and there's that little bit of water?
- Oh. - This is all of those.
- All of those. This is-this is Greek water. - Yeah.
[audience laughs]
So it might default at some point, but in the mean time...
[laughing]
You ever have a job, before you were acting, did you have jobs?
- Many. - Day-to-day jobs?
Yeah, I was a doorman and a cab driver.
- You were a cab driver? - Yeah,
[stutters] for about three months,
- until I got scared. - Really?
Did you ever drive anyone in your in your cab that you later saw in life anyway?
Yes, Jane Fonda, and then I made a movie with her 15 years later.
- Wow. - Jane Fonda got into your cab.
Yeah, and when I made the movie she tipped me.
Really?
[laughter]
But I didn't give you enough that night she said.
That's very-- She got in your cab and said, "North Vietnam please."
[laughing]
You know, we went to the moon, what, how many times?
Seven times?
- And then we just stopped. - Yeah.
Shouldn't we just go to the moon again?
Wouldn't that be a morale booster?
Well, we're trying to go to Mars now.
- Y-You think we can do it? - No.
[laughing]
- No, no-- well we can get there. - That's what I meant.
We can get there and open the door and go...
[startled]
[laughter]
- Well, that's something. - That is something.
- That'd be a great live test. - Yeah.
You know there's a guy--
there's a private guy who wants to send people know to Mars and he says I need people
who don't mind dying.
Yeah?
Well, nobody minds dying. We're all gonna die.
- Wait, hold on. Spoiler alert. - Hold on.
[laughing]
[Alan laughs]
I actually decided once that I was going to live to 106, and I stuck with it.
Yeah.
So far so good.
But you know on my science program I talked to longevity experts who said that we're
going to live routinely to 250--
- Really? - And here I say a 106.
I shortchanged my self. Now I'm stuck with it.
Do you think they think that in the near future we're gonna live 'till 250?
- No.We'll be dead. - Yeah.
Boy, how is that gonna affect when you get married?
You'll be like look, I'm only 90.
- I can't... - [laughing]
I can't tie myself down yet we're going to be married for a 140 years.
- Yeah. - Can you imagine if you got married at 30,
and then you were the generation that lived to 220?
[laughing]
- You've been married 60 years. - In March it will be 60 years.
- Wow. Congratulations. - Yes.
- Do you believe in God? - No.
- Alan, do you believe in God? - No.
Why not?
- I don't think he believes in me. - Yeah.
- Well, what about the earthquakes? - Yeah that's true.
- And the floods? - That's God farting.
That's God with a urinary tract infection.
- [laughing] - Those seem to be proof of God.
What if you met God and he's this huge Mash fan?
- You'll feel terrible. - Oh, I'll say that was fake.
[laughing]
Then I would say to God call, "So call me Fischer."
[laughing]
And did your wife's parents like you?
Very much and I loved them.
- Yeah. - Love-lovely people.
- Were they Jewish? - Yeah.
- Nice. - Totally.
- Yeah. - They were totally Jewish?
Yeah.
And, and I think I'm Jewish.
- Yes. So does everybody else. - [laughing]
But here's why I think I'm Jewish.
My Italian grandfather told me--
- What was his name? - Anthony.
- Anthony Goldberg. - [laughter]
And you know, I said, "That's a clue."
[laughing]
Anthony D'Abruzzo. That's my name. Alphonso D'Abruzzo.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - So, he says,
"The family came from Spain around 1492."
- That's when the Jews were expelled. - Converso.
- Yes. Yeah. - And our name is D'Abruzzo from--
named after the region.
If you're named after a region, it's twice as likely you're Jewish.
Right.'Cause they're like, "What's your last name?"
And you're like, "Uh... New Jersey."
[laughing]
- The wonderful Alan Alda. - Are you choking?
You good? You want some water?
[applauding]
Are you okay?
[coughing] Oh my God.
- On stage the way I wanted to go. - [laughing]
- Ah, you tricked us. - You [bleep] tricked us.
[applauding]
Alan Alda!