[MUSIC PLAYING]
Aye, we always want to hear from bodega hive.
That is correct, which is why every week we're taking
your questions in the audience.
You know, because we love y'all.
All right, question number one.
All right, so Bronxite to Bronxite.
BX all day.
You heard.
What's up?
How would you describe the Bronx to an alien?
Yo, the same ways Mufasa did to Simba.
[LAUGHTER]
Like, yo, go to Park Slope.
Go over there.
Do not go to the joker steps.
[LAUGHTER]
You know what I'm saying?
Stay in your lane, b.
This is not for you.
I don't know.
I guess far.
Because the Bronx is far from everything.
So I guess, just be like, yo, take the train mad far.
Aren't aliens far too?
Well, it depends because think about, like,
if you were an alien, you make it all the way to earth.
Now you got to also go to the Bronx.
Like what if you're an alien, and you land in Brooklyn,
and you're like Zerp Zerp Zerp 233.
You're like Jesus Christ, that's an hour on the train.
Bleep, blurp, blarp, shuttle.
All right, wait until that alien gets
to like 125th street, like, aye, this trains
going down to the service of the shuttle bus upstairs.
Be sure to get a transfer.
I don't want to deal with that.
Bleep, blarp, what is transfer?
Next question.
So in the spirit of friendsgivings
and the holiday season, what are you guys getting
each other for Christmas?
Jesus was not born in Christmas.
So I don't celebrate that.
Think about it.
Like a baby couldn't be in a manger in December
in the Middle East because the temperature,
the native temperature at that time is 35 degrees.
So the baby would have died.
So the whole thing is a lie.
[LAUGHTER]
And that's how I don't get gifts on Christmas.
My thing is I got four kids, mother fucker.
So here's a beer coozy that I got from a Indy 500.
Also, it'd be weird if we got each other gifts because we
try to outdo each other.
So I'd have to give him like a snowmobile.
He'd give me like a massage parlor or something like that.
I'm like here, I got you a baby panda.
I'd be like, yo, here's adult panda fucking
uterus that it came from.
OK.
[LAUGHTER]
You got to keep it on ice.
All right, next question.
So in keeping with the holidays,
the news years is coming up.
So I was wondering if you guys could each maybe tell
your messiest New Year's Eve story
and maybe rank it on a 1 to 10 scale.
Man, so this is my New Year's, if you don't get
fucked up like on a regular basis,
new year's is like rookie season.
So that's why you go outside, everybody's throwing up.
Everybody's pissing everywhere because it's like yo,
I drank a sixer and I'm a mess.
I had a friend who I will not name,
who I told listen, I'll hang out with you
on New Year's if you are, you know what I'm saying,
like, keep it OK.
Like don't wild out.
I know you.
You wild the fuck out.
Do not wild the fuck out.
Nobody wants to hang out with you.
Do not wild the fuck out.
This mother fucker wilds out.
So then he ends up getting in a fight.
There's a girl that wants to have sex with him
very obviously.
And he fucked that all the way up
by talking about how his gun was on him at all times
and he's mad gangsta.
And we're like in Washington Heights.
He comes outside.
There's four Dominican dudes sitting on an S550 in front
of a dilapidated building.
I'm like, fam, those guys are not lawyers.
Don't talk to them.
And then he goes yo, papi, what's up, yo?
You know what I'm saying?
We get work on the block.
And the guy turns around to me, he's like yo,
get your man out of here before he gets killed.
You know what I'm saying?
So thank you for fucking up my entire fucking New Year's.
[BLEEP] Bleep that.
[LAUGHTER]
That's my guy, though.
I once had a New Year's where I was a character
called King Henny Palooza.
And basically, I had a crown on.
And I was walking around.
And anytime I saw someone, and they weren't drinking,
I'd give them a Henny colada.
So imagine a house full of people who have
had five to six Henny coladas.
And then at 2:00 in the morning, my sister,
who's a nurses-- shout out to her--
she just showed up with her newborn.
So now we're just passing a newborn
around taking pictures with it.
The whole first floor was like a Beyonce tribute.
So I don't know what's going on.
And then, like, this girl was there.
And I have no idea to this day who she was there with.
And she was like hey, hey, is this your party?
And I was like, yeah.
She was like I'm mad drunk.
So I did to throw everyone out the basement
and lock her down there with a blanket.
And I was like, I don't know your name.
Here's my phone number.
Call me if you need anything.
And I was like everyone needs to go home.
And then my boy came through with a wild bottle of patron
at like 5:00 in the morning.
And so the party kept going.
And then at 11:00 we had to make everyone eggs.
And I have no idea who was at that party.
And they destroyed my mother's microwave.
And that was five years ago.
So that was a wild night.
That girls still in the basement, dog.
Oh shit--
[LAUGHTER]
She's down there scratching on the wall,
like doing a tally on the wall.
She's like day 486.
I can't wait to kill him.
Next question.
Who's next? Over here?
Yerp.
Do you have any good Thanksgiving Day clap backs?
For--
For like family.
Oh, if they say anything wild to me.
I'd be like I'm on TV.
Shut up.
That's what I'm going to start doing.
Really, honestly, that's what I'm going to start doing.
I got like maybe like a stack of small stack of like bills.
And I just light them on fire and throw
them at them like yo, shh.
No, my thing for Thanksgiving is I come in.
And I'll be like-- when I come to Thanksgiving,
I'll be like, hey, great time.
Hey, guys, I have a heart out.
And they're like, what does that mean?
I was like, oh, you can't only be here
for a short amount of time.
And the whole time I'm taking phone calls.
I'll turn the TV to showtime on demand.
I'll be like oh shit, oh my god, my shows on.
How embarrassing.
And right after you come up, you're like, oh, Uncle Desus.
Come on, bro.
No autographs right now.
It's family time.
And then I just leave.
And I'll leave them like a little gift bag or whatever.
And I'll be like, yo, selfies, selfies,
take a selfie with my mother. - Anyone.
You know what I'm saying?
I'll be like, yo, thanks for supporting the bro.
What's your name?
Mom. - Mom.
Nice.
You're fucking mother.
Yo, one, two with the homie mom.
Yo, yo, keep doing your thing.
Yo, I support you.
I'll repost your shit.
Yo, I'm going to check your shit out.
I might follow you on Instagram.
Probably not though.
So y'all birthed this motherfucker, man.
I'll be like, anyone seen my car serviced outside?
Next question.
I'm new to the bodega hive.
What should I know?
What should you know, you have to die for the hive one day.
You ready?
Also, you need to go to the Church of Dykman Street and be
baptized at Mama Sushi-- you know what I'm saying--
by Pastor Pio.
He made me hookah once though.
He made you what?
He made you hookah.
Oh, you met Pio before?
He made me hookah.
Oh, wow.
He made you hookah?
What was it like meeting Pio?
Was it life changing?
It was.
Was it life changing like in a good way or in a bad way,
like wow, I hope my kids don't end up like this?
Nah- the hookah was, the hookah was hittin'.
Yeah.
Shout out to Pio.
So you already Bodega Hive.
Like you just met the president himself.
Has anyone thought that maybe Pio smoking hookah
is the reason why Pio's Pio?
No, because that's an actual condition.
Well, I'm sure whatever condition he has is
not helped by smoking hookah.
[LAUGHTER]
I've watched a lot of "Gray's Anatomy."
And there's never a condition where they're like, yo,
he needs four stacks of hookah.
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