Someone must’ve tipped off Ubisoft.
They must be aware of my distaste for computer animation.
Because otherwise, the fact that they’ve made a game based on a film with animation
I just can’t stand and have no interest in seeing into a platformer, which has always
been my favorite genre of games, is a total coincidence.
I believe in coincidence as much as I like the way the Adventures of Tintin looks.
Translation?
Not at all.
Clearly, this is some elaborate conspiracy to get me to care about CGI by associating
it with something I do give a **** about, that being video games in which you run from
the left to the right.
But there’s only one problem.
This conspiracy essentially supposes Derek will give a **** about X (representing computer
animation) provided it is added to Y (representing the platformer), in which Y is something about
which Derek does, in fact, give a ****. But X plus Y cannot equal Y unless X equals zero,
and though it may in a figurative sense, the numerical value of X is actually poop.
Therefore, poop + platformer simply equals poopy platformer.
It’s the Adventures of Tintin for the PlayStation 3.
The irony is that the movie this thing is based on is supposedly about some crazy adventures
with explosions and airplanes...and pirate ships.
The craziest thing in this game is that anyone would play it for more than ten minutes without
falling into an existential crisis.
What am I doing with my life, and why are there algebra equations scribbled all over
the instruction manual?
The Adventures of Tintin is a kid-friendly platformer based on the upcoming movie directed
by Steven Spielberg and unfortunately animated by computers.
Computers operated by people who think their characters are automatically interesting if
they’re rendered in CGI.
The movie releases later this month, and for those for whom an animated movie with no animated
spirit is enticing, the game is here early.
To be honest with you, there isn’t much to say about this game you couldn’t deduce
simply by watching the footage.
You play as Tintin, an ambitious young reporter who buys a model ship, discovers it holds
a mystery and tries to be as interesting as the Goonies.
Sloth love Chunk.
Derek not love Tintin.
And for a reporter who loves adventure, Tintin sure follows convention.
This game places you into a side-scrolling world filled with pits to jump and switches
to...switch.
There are vehicle levels, like this one with the plane, but the game quickly puts you back
into the platforming.
The problem with that is it’s never that interesting.
The designs are generic, and the puzzles repeat themselves over and over.
Each level has these golden crabs hidden throughout, but calling them “hidden” is
generous and aside from those, there’s really nothing to do here except go through the motions.
Speaking of which, the game does support the PlayStation Move, but why you would want to
add fluky motion detection to this equation is just beyond me.
My distaste for these kind of movies aside, there’s really nothing here for anyone other
than a young Tintin fan.
This is a paint-by-numbers kids game that never engages you beyond requiring you to
push some buttons.
It’s an okay choice for children who are really into the movie, but otherwise, just
go watch the Goonies.