G'day, A.J. Mahari here one key central thing that keeps people
stuck thinking about wanting to you know
reverse hoover or hoping for a hoover going through on and off relationship
cycles with an exit bpd or somebody who ghosted you
or whatever the situation relationships for those who are now exes or
considering themselves considering maybe you have to leave a relationship
a key thing that that really keeps people
stuck is thinking still believing that you still need to
help them that there's something you can do to
help them there's something you can do to get them into therapy there's
something you can do to change them you know this is i think fits in
with the last video i did why are people struggling so hard
even if they are no contact now or partially no contact us or pointing out
a lot of people are i am with clients etc and comments to
the channel which is understandable well so this is another reason why
people always want to say well you know like i
need to tell them because like well that is like i said in the last
video i alluded to it's a desire it's now a cognitively distorted belief
but it's a very emotional compelling feeling emotionally that
this could work if only they would get therapy this could work if
only i could do it differently then it would work if only i the
relationship would work it would last if only
i could help them more maybe i wasn't caring enough maybe i wasn't
sensitive enough maybe i didn't give enough maybe if i
just couldn't have got angry in that one plate or or several
times or you know maybe if i just would have
realized that they were struggling as hard as they are with
what they're struggling with which is a multitude of things
this is one of the things that keeps people stuck it's all these thoughts
right and then when you think all these
thoughts and you feel all these feelings that drive all these thoughts
next thing you know you're really missing them
so you can go from feeling stronger if you're in no contact or send me no
contact whatever the case is or working on going full no contact
or you've just gone pull no contact ah but you know the feelings are getting
really hard to deal with and you're like really maybe worried or
you know maybe you've got to no contact before and you've slid back and you
you know you've opened up the gate you know or whatever vehicle for contact
again this is not only denial
not only cognitive dissonance emotional dissonance
sometimes stockholm syndrome in a variety of things
but it's also false hope it's a whole bunch of things that have
to do with how people who are the exes now or the on and off
or don't know what's going on or maybe just got ghosted or
however long into this you some people are brand new to it and
like they just got ghosted now what some people's been going on for like
weeks months for some people even a couple of years
and maybe you've had some on and off maybe you've tried to be friends check
out my live stream and why that doesn't work and that's not a good
idea to be friends with an ex with bpd well this you have a belief
that's driving a lot which is if only if only i
could if only i could get them into therapy if only from all those if only
and the other part of this too really is you know
chemically speaking right so so the chemical soup that is
physiologically impacting with these relationships and
when you feel like when you love someone and you've been
hurt by someone and really let down by them and you've done
everything you possibly can but you still think to yourself but i didn't do
enough and that's how a lot of people feel and
all of these feelings end up in all of these thoughts they get
you ruminating on them again but get you in this place of so missing them
right and especially when people go to go no contact or whatever it's like it
feels unbearable and often in live streams and
when i talk to clients people say well it's three days now
since there's no context four days like they're marking them off the calendar
that isn't really a good idea it's important to keep track
and to celebrate each day but it's really better
to be more mindful you know not not to keep
sort of having it on your mind when at all possible not to
so the other thing is the code the reality and codependency
of love addiction so many people are as much in love with being in love
and being in a relationship with codependency
as they are with how much you love this person but remember you love
somebody who doesn't who isn't really who you thought they
were you love somebody who really doesn't exist in that sense
and then there's this incredible drive that continues for people codependency
for quite a while after and no contact is the way to help this
and to move forward from this but with still contact it's very very
difficult and it's that you know just just the
whole idea again that this was supposed to
work that you know partly also that you could
get that person back that they must be in there
somewhere like i've done videos on like what
this is when people codependency are actually in love with the potential
of a person who may or may not ever find out who they are or fulfill that
potential but it'll be way down the road it'll be a lot of years from now if
they're untreated many people are with people at bp and i
i really have you know i know from clients and
you know i don't know the people on live streams but i know from clients that
they know what they're talking about so they
they suss out what's going on right with help and information online well
but a lot of these people aren't necessarily diagnosed with bpd
yet so you got not only the untreated but the undiagnosed that's not in every
case but what is driving people to the edge
of their own emotional coping and maybe over the edge
sometimes in codependency for the ex of somebody
with bpd is all this woulda coulda shoulda but
it's massively the if only coupled with love addiction
coupled with for people with codependency
you are still focusing on them thinking about them longing for them
planning for them having all these feelings for them
wanting to like reach back and should i tell them or shouldn't i tell
because it's a desperation in a way with all due respect because you're not
ready to let go you're not finished you don't want it to be over now many people
got to stage where they're like okay i wouldn't take her i wouldn't take him or
her back whatever but lots of people aren't there and and
it's really hard to know if you're really there
because if you get a hoover you might think you're there and then all of a
sudden you're not there people are trying to jump to date
someone else really quickly which is not a good idea
it's usually a recipe for the next bpd or cluster b
so the thing is codependents are avoiding what they need to do for
themselves it's an avoidance of self in
codependency why not only but that's what's really
driving all this sort of like can't stop thinking ruminating about
them missing them missing them don't want to
go no contact what's really driving all that
is something from your childhood it's an unaddressed wound inside of you
as a person with codependency and and so there's a multi-layered
reality to that you are missing this person
but it's not all about that person but to you
it may well seem like it is all about that person so that's how i work with
clients to really help them to um understand that and to go through
the process of you know inner child healing work and
and other things to be able to really look at how similar
in most people's cases issues are to something in childhood and it doesn't
mean that you had to have had a mother with bpd or a father with bpd
but lots of people have had a cluster b parent that end up in a relationship
with somebody with bpd or a narcissist and and
and have codependency because the roots are sown in childhood
so all of these feelings and all of this drive for codependence to
to keep thinking about the if only this that the other thing
all those things that you probably know so well in your own head unfortunately
what you think about often and then for some it's the feelings
of really missing really longing for this person
because it is kind of it is an addiction of sort right
it's like you're in withdrawal and that's why i know contact is so
important and to not only go for no contact
maintain it because it's like it's like as if
if the person was a drug and you took the drug again you see you'd be back at
square one you'd have to start over the reality is that as much as you
really believe today that it's all about this person with bpd
that you're in the relationship with the person that you fell in love with the
person that you met the person that you thought they were
all that potential that you've seen hasn't it can't really
be right now or isn't who they are
well you're avoiding people's core penalty are avoiding
their own pain and why would you be doing that because you're in so much
pain thinking about your ex with bpd or the on again off again what's ever
happening well because you've been programmed that way
codependency the roots of codependent codependency and childhood
are largely about pursuing pursuing a parent to have needs met that aren't
being met whatever that might mean or look
like it's very different for lots of people with codependency and there are
degrees and depths of things that are adverse childhood experience
that really create this unhealthy relational style of
codependency that lands so many people in these
relationships with people bpd or npd or aspd and so the thing is there's more
you need to know about yourself but as compelling as this is
and as horrifically painful as it is and as much as you're focused on the
acts of bpd it is it is not as much about them
as you might think and this is what i help clients out with because
when we get into the work when they get into doing the work they realize that
there's something else that is really the larger part if i
could put it that way of all that pain being felt about the
x with bpd or even an x with npd because it's it's really not all
about that person but that's who people with codependency
have put all their energy and focus in to escape something that may well may
well be in your unconscious or could be closer in your
subconscious but it's not conscious and this is what i've
said before in other videos when you are attracted to that person yes
adult male is attracted to adult female um and that's what you look like each of
you or adult female adult female or adult male to adult male whatever the
case is but the inner child the wounded inner
child is attracted on a unconscious level for very different
reasons and it's familiarity with something and
it is what causes the most pain and it is what's at the heart of
this pain for people who become you know have
relationships with people bp then become the ex
and now you're sitting there going like and for some people it's different for
everybody so you could be you could be a day out
you could be two weeks into no contact you could be just
having been ghosted recently you might have just left a relationship
or it could be months or or even a year or more later
and people are still really struggling and it's because
codependency becomes in childhood where the roots of it are sown
and why you have codependency and this unhealthy relational pattern that it in
itself is becomes about pursuing something that
you needed for survival or emotional safety
pursuing a parent and now you can't stop
pursuing in a way at least in your mind even if you're trying to be no contact
and you think you're done the pain it's like stuck
and blocked grief because people are still longing for
so you know it's really something coming up from your inner child right
you're in child rising but but maybe to the subconscious level only
not believe the consciousness without working with someone to to look at all
of this and so it's really key that you
understand this does take time and it does take you making healthy
choices for you and it does take no contact for so many
people and of course if there are children involved well
it should be no contact except for the co-parenting
so so nothing in between x's you know like about anything else so
this is really really difficult really painful
and i think some people with codependency think well you know
codependency okay so i'm a bit of a codependent
or i've got codependency in but but please don't
minimize it because it is huge in the sense
of why you are codependent what happened in your childhood it doesn't have to be
something horrible that happened in your childhood
but it was enough that it wounded you as a young child and now you carry that
woundedness in your inner child and when people look back at
it as an adult it's like it doesn't seem like such a big deal
but that's where if you resonate with me and you like to work with me or you find
someone else to work with that's where that's really important to
do that work so it's not that you know bpd is contagious
or anything like that you know people bpd aren't narcissists
etc it's just it's what's going on inside of you why you're having so much
trouble letting go it's not really so much about
the person the acts with bpd as you might think and you might think wow that
sounds nice what do you mean well think about it for a while though it's
really true and people who get into healing and recovery journeys
and i know clients i work with they come to realize this
sooner rather than later and it can save a lot of pain
so it's really important to try to um to first understand this if you don't
already and even if you do then you have to start making smaller
choices to make changes each and every day to not just allow
yourself to be in the narrative that you know your thoughts which you
may or may not be aware of driving the emotions
of this constant longing constant ruminating
constant thinking about them or very you know
predominant times of thinking about them with a sense of longing and like you
can't let go and like it's never going to feel better
so it's really a lot about all of this is one
central core aspect of it and there are many other moving pieces
of it as well but people need to know that when you
continue to long and you are blocked and like from
the grief or you know like you're just longing for them and missing them
and really wanting them back that there's
there's more than two things happening but one is you're still
thinking of the person you know like if only i could do more and give more
and and that type of thing and the other thing is and
codependents are actively involving engaging their own pain
and their own process so like you want to be free of the pain
you might still be wishing the relationship would work out
but you need to let go of that you need to know it's it's not going to work out
it's you know what you've been through and
now it's time to turn and get into recovering healing with
someone and like i'm out here probably resonate with you
and and get into the work that will take you forward because codependents
often don't realize the degree to which you focus
on the exit bpd and the longing and the ruminating is the degree to which you
really are trying to avoid your own pain and your
own self and you deserve to to to be guided
through that to be helped through that process and to
know yourself better and to heal your own pain
and to be free from all of this and you can be so take care