[upbeat music]
[Narrator] People with type two diabetes are excited
about how Ozempic treats blood sugar and weight loss.
Thanks to Ozempic, I have a ton more energy now
which I need to fight off the hoards
of Real Housewives trying to steal my Ozempic.
I said, get back, Lisa!
[gunshot blasts]
All it takes is one dose per week,
and a panic room to hide from all the TikTok influencers.
I'm not going out like Billy.
They stripped him to his bones for his Ozempic,
even did a little TikTok dance while they did it.
[Narrator] Ozempic is not for everyone.
If you are not prepared to kill for Ozempic,
it may not be right for you.
Check with your doctor to see if you're healthy enough,
for extended fist fighting.
In the event of a celebrity attack,
Ozempic's sleek pen can be hidden,
inside your rectum, preventing theft.
Ozempic has given me the freedom to live my-
Oh, shit, it's Chelsea Handler!
I need it to host "The Daily Show!"
[Narrator] Ask your doctor about Ozempic today.
Thanks, Ozempic.
Thanks Ozempic.
Thanks, Ozempic.
I don't have it, I swear!
That's what everybody says.
[man groaning]
[Narrator] Ozempic, you'll probably survive it.
[Chelsea] There's two in here!
You're a bad boy!
[upbeat music]
Nowadays, being a conservative is about one thing.
Destroying woke products.
[gunshots blasting]
Fuck Anheuser-Busch!
[Reporter] Conservatives destroying
their Keurig coffee machines.
[Conservative] Sorry, Nike.
That's why we created the Patriot Hammer.
The only hammer designed specifically to smash items,
that have a gay spokesperson or whatever.
When a product goes woke, this hammer makes it broke.
Beer gone woke?
Time to get hammered.
Children's doll has pronouns?
Your only pronouns are he, hammer.
Your favorite player, knelt for the anthem?
Not as effective, but still pretty cool.
AP history gone woke?
That fucking pisses me off.
With the Patriot Hammer, you can destroy all the products,
you've already spent your money on.
That'll show 'em.
The woke mob is outta control,
but so is this hammer's smashing power.
Me strong man, make hammer go bang-bang.
I might not have custody of my children,
but what I do have is free time to smash stuff,
with this beautiful all American hammer, made in China.
The Patriot Hammer.
The perfect gift for a conservative man,
woman, or non-binary per-
Uh-oh, our hammer just went woke.
So we are introducing the Hammer Hammer.
[guitar music]
Don't think, just hammer.
[upbeat music]
[Reporter] President Trump,
under investigation over January 6th.
[Reporter] The Mar-A-Lago documents investigation.
[Reporter] Testifying for the defamation lawsuit.
[Narrator] Are you the subject of a head spinning number,
of investigations?
Can't keep track of all the civil suits,
congressional probes, and criminal allegations against you?
Then you need OneVestigation.
The easy way to keep tabs on all your legal troubles.
Following all those court cases can be as difficult
as remembering which top secret documents
you stole from the White House.
But one investigation makes getting investigated easy.
No matter how many crimes you committed, allegedly,
we'll keep you organized.
So you'll never miss a deposition, court hearing,
or last ditch appeal to Clarence Thomas.
Running out of lawyers willing to represent you?
Let one investigation choose someone for you at random.
You can't do any worse.
Plus, our advanced algorithm generates an endless list,
of people to blame for these witch hunts.
Antifa!
[Narrator] But that's not all.
Upgrade to a friends and family plan,
so you can track investigations,
into your closest advisors and children, all in one app.
Evading the criminal justice system for decades is hard.
Downloading OneVestigation is easy.
OneVestigation, crime organized.
[upbeat music]
[Narrator] Are you tired of going
on dates with someone who's just like you?
So, you also support gun control.
[man sighs]
Yeah.
[Narrator] Bo-ring.
Why not try dating app that's guaranteed to create a spark?
Introducing Hate- [bleeps]
At Hate [bleeps] we'll help you find someone,
you absolutely despise so you can bang out your differences.
That's why to me, January 6th was one
of the worst days in American history.
-Really? -Yeah.
I was there on January 6th, I thought it was a blast.
People like you make me sick.
My place is five minutes away.
-Yeah, let's go. -Let's go.
[Narrator] With America more divided than ever,
hate has become the defining emotion of our times.
And Hate [bleeps] is here to make the most of it.
Here's how it works.
When you sign up, you fill out a detailed survey,
about your most impassioned political beliefs.
Then Hate [bleeps] will use a proprietary algorithm,
to find someone who thinks those beliefs ain't shit.
Because you can't see red or blue when the lights are out.
[Woman] I want the light on.
[Man] Sorry, that's gonna effect- [indistinct]
[Woman] Oh my God, you're such a pussy.
[Narrator] Hate [bleeps] helping America come together.
[audience laughs]
[upbeat music]
Are your beaches and pools closed,
for the summer because of a lifeguard shortage?
You just wanna swim,
but ain't nobody wanna save your from a shark!
[shark growls]
Well, break out that swimsuit thong,
because summer is back on.
Introducing Leo Deblin's substitute lifeguard.
It's a cardboard cut out of me that you can put
up on the lifeguard chair, guaranteed to look real enough
for the safety inspector as he's driving by.
[horn honks]
So now you can get back to doing what you love,
peeing in the pool.
Choose your lifeguard type from multiple Leo Deblin models.
We have Mr. Nice Guy, the Whistleblower,
and of course, I done told your ass.
And if you start to drown, don't worry.
All our lifeguards come with a built-in speaker,
that's got you covered.
[Cardboard Cutout] Someone else save that dude I just ate.
So save your summer,
with the Leo Devlin substitute lifeguard.
Hey, for $85, you can get that from your mama.
Oh!
♪ Leo Deblin's substitute lifeguard ♪
♪ And institute of barbering ♪
♪ Leo Deblin's substitute lifeguard ♪
♪ And institute of barbering ♪
[Leo] Exit 120 by the fairgrounds next to Footlocker.
[upbeat music]
[Narrator] Say hello to TDS+++.
All your favorite "Daily Show" personalities,
stretched incredibly thin for just 6.99 a month,
or honestly, whatever you got,
you get 36 extra hours a day of hastily conceived content.
Enjoy shows like "Roy Wood Jr.
Reads The Economist While Snacking."
Today I'm eating FunYuns,
and something's going on in Morocco.
[Narrator] "The Morning Commute with Michael Costa."
[Michael groans]
Shot live from Michael Costa's bike helmet.
[Michael groans]
Okay, so today on the show, we're probably gonna talk
about the situation in Ukraine or goddamn, it's steep.
God. [groans]
Taxi!
[Narrator] "The Stock Watch with Ronnie Chieng."
Okay, the Dows at minus 22.40.
Now it's at minus 21.3.
Now it's at minus 22.4, again.
[Narrator] "Desi Lydic, Live from the Hill."
Some stuff happened in Congress today,
but I don't know what it is because that's a different hill.
[Narrator] And "Dulce Sloan reviews CNN+."
Damn, this is boring, ugh!
Wait, is that Chris Wallace?
Oh, this just got sexy!
Hey, can you keep it down?
[Narrator] And so much more premium content we just came
up with like 10 minutes ago,
including, "Jordan Klepper Makes Coffee,"
"Lewis Black Singing in the Shower,"
and the companion series,
"The Making of, Lewis Black Singing in the Shower."
"Power Napping with Trevor,"
and "The Rewind," where we just play
"The Daily Show," backwards.
[reversed audio]
TDS+++.
Surely someone will pay for this.
That's Chris Wallace, my baby daddy.
He don't know it yet.
[upbeat music]
[Narrator] Hey fellas, feeling tired, old?
Find yourself accepting the 2020 election results?
Then you need just for MAGA,
the only hair dye to fuel you,
and your insane voter fraud allegations.
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[Narrator] Just listen to this testimonial,
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By a company owned by affiliates of Chavez and Madura.
[Narrator] See those drips?
That means it's working.
And look, Just for MAGA is so effective,
it even works on men who don't have hair.
And if you want to seem distinguished,
while ranting about the deep state,
try Just for MAGA Touch of Cray,
Just for MAGA sold at any store,
where they think COVID is a liberal conspiracy.
[upbeat music]
[Narrator] Sick of overdraft fees that drag you into debt?
Wish there was a bank that treated you like an adult?
Well, now there is.
[BrokeBank buzzes]
[BrokeBank] Nope, you're broke.
[Narrator] Introducing BrokeBank.
At BrokeBank, we're not gonna let you think you have money
and then surprise you with an overdraft fee.
When you're broke, we'll let you know.
[BrokeBank] $7 for coffee?
Just get a tap water.
[Narrator] Is it embarrassing?
A little.
Insulting?
Definitely.
But we're committed to honesty, like really committed.
[BrokeBank buzzes]
[BrokeBank] Come on, we both know
you didn't win the lottery, just walk away.
[BrokeBank buzzes]
What's in your wallet?
Nothing.
Are you renting a jetski, mother- [bleeps]
You only got $12 and you need that for a shirt.
[Narrator] With BrokeBank, you'll never get tricked
into opting in for hidden fees.
The only thing you'll get from us is the truth,
about how poor your broke ass is.
[BrokeBank] You can scream at me all you want
but at least I'm not charging overdraft fees.
[Narrator] BrokeBank, you deserve honesty.
You broke.
[upbeat music]
♪ Hey hey hey ♪