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>> Stephen: WELL, HEY THERE, EVERYBODY. WELCOME BACK.
FOLKS, THERE ARE A LOT OF URGENT CONCERNS FACING AMERICANS RIGHT
NOW.
WILL THE PANDEMIC EVER END?
WHEN WILL WE GET THE CORONAVIRUS VACCINE?
ONCE "THE CROWN" CATCHES UP TO REALITY, WILL MEGHAN MARKLE PLAY
HERSELF?
I MEAN, SHE'S AN ACTRESS, BUT THEN DO ALL THE ROYALS PLAY
THEMSELVES?
I AM NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO PRINCE ANDREW'S TAKE ON PRINCE
ANDREW.
THE PROBLEM WITH SO MANY BIG PROBLEMS IS THAT THERE ARE
SMALLER PROBLEMS THAT ARE STILL BIG PROBLEMS, BUT WE MIGHT MISS
THEM BECAUSE OF THE EVEN LARGER PROBLEMS, WHICH IS A BIG
PROBLEM.
WHICH BRINGS ME TO MY NEW UNFORTUNATE SEGMENT: "UH-OH!"
TONIGHT'S UH-OH: WHILE YOU'RE WORRYING ABOUT THE PLANET-WIDE
COVID CRISIS, DON'T FORGET TO WORRY ABOUT A POSSIBLE DRINKING
WATER CRISIS, BECAUSE IT WAS RECENTLY ANNOUNCED THAT
INVESTORS CAN NOW TRADE WATER FUTURES.
UH-OH.
I DON'T TOTALLY UNDERSTAND THAT SENTENCE, BUT IT SOUNDS LIKE A
HEADLINE IN A NEWSREEL AT THE BEGINNING OF "MAD MAX" BEFORE
YOU SMASH CUT TO ONE-ARMED CHARLIZE THERON DRIVING A TRUCK
FULL OF WARRIOR-CONCUBINES THROUGH THE DESERT.
HERE'S WHAT'S HAPPENING: RECENTLY, FUTURES TIED TO THE
CALIFORNIA WATER INDEX BEGAN TRADING ON THE CHICAGO
MERCANTILE EXCHANGE.
MEANING THAT, FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER, WATER WILL BE A COMMODITY,
LIKE GOLD OR OIL.
UH-OH!
THAT'S NOT A GOOD SIGN.
THOSE ARE TWO THINGS THAT WE FAMOUSLY HAVE A FINITE AMOUNT
OF.
THAT'S WHY THEY'RE VALUABLE.
THERE'S A REASON WEDDING RINGS ARE MADE OF GOLD AND NOT BOTTLES
OF POLAND SPRING.
OH, MY GOD, YOU GUYS!
HE WENT TO 7-ELEVEN!
THIS SOUNDS TROUBLING, BECAUSE THE BIG DIFFERENCE BETWEEN
WATER AND... COMMODITIES IS THAT WE NEED WATER TO SURVIVE.
WHICH BRINGS US TO OUR NEW UH-OH SUBSEGMENT: "YIKES!"
NOW THAT WATER IS A COMMODITY AND CAN BE TRADED ON THE FUTURES
MARKET, IT COULD INVITE SPECULATION FROM FINANCIAL
PLAYERS, INCLUDING HEDGE FUNDS.
YIKES!
"HEDGE FUND SPECULATION" IS NEVER A GOOD THING.
JUST ASK ANYONE WHO HAD A SUBPRIME MORTGAGE IN THE EARLY
2000'S.
THEIR HOME LOAN IS CURRENTLY UNDER WATER, WHICH THEY'RE GOING
TO WANT TO START HOARDING 'CAUSE IT'S A HOT NEW COMMODITY!
THESE WATER FUTURES FOCUS SPECIFICALLY ON CALIFORNIA,
WHICH BRINGS US TO OUR UH-OH YIKES SUB-SUBSEGMENT: "GULP!"
A LOOK HOW MANY BONES I HAVE.
CAN I SEE THAT AGAIN, JIM?
LOOK AT THAT!
THAT'S "THE LATE SHOW" PROMISE, UNLIMITED BONES!
THIS IMPACTS THE WHOLE NATION BECAUSE CALIFORNIA HAS A HUGE
AGRICULTURAL SECTOR, AND RECENTLY HAS MOVED TO POPULAR
HIGH-VALUE PERMANENT CROPS LIKE ALMONDS AND PISTACHIOS, WHICH
REQUIRE A LOT OF WATER FOR UPKEEP.
AND I HAWKED PISTACHIOS!
AM I PART OF THE PROBLEM?
I'M SORRY!
NOT FOR PROMOTING PISTACHIOS, THEY'RE A DELICIOUS SOURCE OF
PROTEIN, BUT FOR GIVING YOU THE NIGHTMARE FUEL THAT IS MY HEAD
AS A NUT.
BUT THE BIGGER ISSUE IS THAT CALIFORNIA HAS JUST HAD SEVERAL
YEARS IN A ROW OF HISTORIC WILDFIRES AND IS EMERGING FROM
AN EIGHT-YEAR DROUGHT.
GULP!
SO, WALL STREET IS NOW BETTING ON A RESOURCE THAT CALIFORNIA
DESPERATELY NEEDS TO SURVIVE AND CURRENTLY HAS A SHORTAGE OF.
THAT'S LIKE A LIFEGUARD GOING, "THE BAD NEWS IS YOUR HUSBAND IS
DROWNING!
THE GOOD NEWS IS, IN THE NEXT TWO MINUTES, THE VALUE OF MY
LIFE PRESERVER FRANCHISE IS GOING TO SKYROCKET!
WANT TO GET IN ON THE GROUND FLOOR?"
NOW, WE DON'T KNOW EXACTLY WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN WITH
TRADING WATER ON WALL STREET, BY WHICH I MEAN WE KNOW EXACTLY
WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN.
ACCORDING TO A CLIMATE JUSTICE EXPERT, "AS CLEAN, USEABLE WATER
IS BECOMING SCARCER, THE INCENTIVES IN CAPITALISM WORK TO
COMMODIFY IT, AND WORK TO ENSURE THAT THE SCARCITY IS AN
OPPORTUNITY TO MAKE MONEY."
ADDING, "IT'S THE WAY IN WHICH CAPITALISM MAKES PROFITS FROM
HUMAN MISERY."
OF COURSE, COMMODITIES TRADERS NEVER GO ALL IN ON HUMAN MISERY.
THEY DIVERSIFY INTO GENERATIONAL SUFFERING, DESPAIR, ENNUI AND
OF COURSE, BITCOIN.
IN OTHER WORDS: UH-OH.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH SERENA WILLIAMS.
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