As you should know,
March is Women's History Month.
-The month-- That's right. -(cheers and applause)
The month when all historic female heroes drink for free.
For more on this, we're joined
by our senior gender issues correspondent,
Desi Lydic, everybody!
(cheers and applause)
What does Women's History Month mean to you?
Well, Trevor, during this month, I like to celebrate the stories
of impressive women that have been overlooked.
It's not his-tory, it's hist-her-y.
(laughter)
Took me forever to come up with that.
You know, Desi, honestly,
I've learned so much already this month
about women who have done great things in history.
Okay. Yeah, but, you see,
everyone pays attention to the women who did great things,
but no one speaks about women who did bad things.
For example, everyone's heard of Benedict Arnold, right?
He as the general who betrayed America during the Revolution,
the greatest treason in our history
up until Tristan Thompson.
But you probably haven't heard
of Benedict's wife, Peggy Shippen Arnold.
Now, she was actually the one
who encouraged him to turn on America,
and helped plan his treason with British officials.
You know, it's like they say,
the couple that betrays together stays together.
And there is nothing hotter than treason sex, trust me.
(laughter)
I don't even know what that means.
But that is really fascinating, Desi.
I-I had no idea about the role that she played.
Ah, of course you didn't, you're a man.
I-I didn't know either.
I saw it on a Snapple cap at lunch today.
-That's a weird Snapple cap. -Yeah.
Here's another one.
We all know who Alexander the Great was,
the ruthless king,
bloodthirsty conqueror, sideburns aficionado.
But he only got to do all of that
because of a woman, his mom, Queen Olympias.
She wanted her son to be king so bad,
she had her husband and his other wife assassinated.
She schemed so her child could have a better life,
like a Macedonian Aunt Becky.
You know, actually, Olympias inspired me
to break into my son's school
and destroy the other kids' science projects.
Sorry somebody trashed your volcano, Timmy,
but I, too, am raising a king.
Desi, you, you can't break into a school
and vandalize children's homework.
Oh, wow, Trevor.
Are you gonna tell a woman what she can
and cannot do with her body?
(audience reacts)
Wait. No. No, no.
What you did was a crime.
Well, you know, you know what else used to be a crime?
Women voting, huh?
Right, ladies?
-Yeah. -(cheers and applause)
But you know what? I'm glad you brought up crime,
because women can do that, too.
People always talk about Machine Gun Kelly,
one of the most notorious gangsters during prohibition,
but nobody's ever heard of his wife, Kathryn Kelly.
She helped him scheme; she helped plan his kidnappings.
She even gave him the gun he was named after.
You know, before her, everyone called him "Finger Guns Kelly.
Wow. This is really fascinating.
You're opening my eyes.
Like, even when it comes to bad things, we tend to erase
the contributions of women from history.
Yeah. And it's still happening today.
Just look at Facebook:
Fake news scandals, helping Russia spread propaganda.
They even sold all our dick picks to Steve Bannon.
And every time something goes wrong,
people blame Mark Zuckerberg,
but their COO, Sheryl Sandberg, deserves just as much credit.
Now, everyone's dragging his name through the mud.
I am so sick of people refusing
to say something bad about women on the Internet.
(laughter)
Desi, it almost sounds like
you admire these bad women.
I admire all women,
but there is one woman I admire above all.
She is my number one evil heroine.
I mean, I guess, heroin's the number one evil heroin,
but this lady comes close.
Trevor, when you think of pirates,
you think of Black Beard,
Captain Kid or whoever's the captain now.
But the most successful pirate of all time
was actually a woman, Cheng I Sao.
In the 1800s, she had 80,000 sailors, 1,500 ships,
and took more pirate fortune than Johnny Depp's lawyers.
But get this:
When the Chinese navy finally caught her,
she talked her way out of jail,
got amnesty, and then opened a casino.
Boom!
She went from being a criminal tyrant
to a legal casino owner,
a move historians call "the reverse Donald Trump."
(laughter and applause)
So remember, everyone, Women's History Month
isn't just about breaking the glass ceiling,
it's also about throwing someone through it
and getting away with it.
Desi Lydic, everyone.