Let's kick things off in Wisconsin.
Now, I like Wisconsin.
Wisconsin in the building.
I like Wisconsin.
Wisconsin-- Wisconsin the only place
I've been to that sell cheese as a souvenir.
I like that.
You want some cheese before your flight?
Yeah.
Cheese curds.
You gave me cheese curds, no wrapping, no nothing,
just butt naked in my hand.
But last night, Wisconsin had a critical election
for the state supreme court, which
has national implications for 2024.
They had a far right conservative versus a very
left wing liberal.
And I don't want to presume anything
about the political beliefs of the audience in the room
right now, you know.
I know Daily Show fans hold a wide variety of views.
Ah, who am I kidding?
Y'all going to start clapping. Show them the clip.
[applause]
ANTHONY DILORENZO: In a a major political flip for Wisconsin,
Democrat-backed judge Janet Protasiewicz
has won the state's widely watched supreme court race.
The court will now be controlled
by liberals for the first time in 15 years.
REPORTER 1: Protasiewicz's conservative opponent, Dan
Kelly, they had harsh words after the election
was called and criticized her, calling her a "serial liar."
I wish that in a circumstance like this,
I would be able to concede to a worthy opponent.
But I do not have a worthy opponent
to which I can concede.
This was the most deeply deceitful,
dishonorable, despicable campaign I have
ever seen run for the courts.
And I wish Wisconsin the best of luck
because I think it's going to need it.
[laughter]
Aw.
You seem very sad about losing.
Would you like some cheese?
[laughter]
Now-- now, look.
I know people think that it's classless to concede
like this.
But I'm going to be straight up with y'all.
Good for my man.
Dude just got his ass beat in front of the whole country,
and you want him to be gracious?
Congratulations to my opponent, who is clearly a winner,
unlike me, a little bitch loser.
Look.
I say, as long as you accept the outcome,
you get to talk shit.
Yeah, you let me spend millions running and running for judge,
and then I lose?
I run millions and I lose?
Oh, baby, I'm up on that podium like Samuel L. Jackson.
Yes, they deserve to die, and I hope they burn in hell!
[applause]
But now, let's move on to the big story--
the arrest of Donald J. Trump.
[cheering, applause]
Oh, you heard about it?
Y'all heard about it?
OK.
I thought it was just a, you know, little--
yesterday was a momentous day for Donald J. Trump.
He was indicted for 34 counts of falsifying
business records and also one count of clogging
the courthouse toilet.
They added that one at the last minute.
So ole Trumpy went down to the courthouse,
looked around stupid for a couple of minutes,
and then fled on his private jet to Florida
because, as you all know, Florida
does not have an extradition treaty with the United States.
He rolled up to Mar-a-Lago.
And then he waved to his supporters
and then offered to put his thumb up their butt.
What is this?
Seriously?
What in the-- who adds motion to a thumbs up?
It's simple.
Do the-- lock the elbow.
Trump got to be the first person to add the jerk
off motion to a thumbs up.
Thanks so much for coming out.
I really appreciate it.
Waugh.
So then after all of that, it was time for Trump
to give his big speech.
And sidebar, why are people still going to Trump speeches?
Like, I get it. I get it.
That's your dude.
But you know what he's going to say.
He say the same--
Donald Trump is a comedian that ain't
changed his act in years.
You know what he's going to do-- liberal media
be doing this, and Joe Biden--
Joe Biden and them, they be doing this.
Y'all know I ain't lying.
Come on now, DJ.
Kick it.
[laughter]
The only--
[applause]
The only thing-- the only thing that
changes year to year with Trump is who his enemy is.
And for this fight, he's got two new ones.
REPORTER 2: In a defiant speech at Mar-a-Lago,
the former president claimed he's a victim
and targeted the prosecutor and judge in the case.
They can't beat us at the ballot box,
so they try and beat us through the law.
The criminal is the district attorney.
I have a Trump-hating judge with a Trump-hating wife
and family.
Who-- who you know go to trial
and talk shit about the judge?
That's bold.
The judge could destroy you.
He could destroy you, and you riling him up.
You about to fight cocaine bear,
you don't offer him crack first.
And he didn't just call out the judge.
Trump called out the kids.
The kid-- you don't pull the kids into-- even rappers
don't go after the kids.
And they murder each other.
And Trump said the man has a Trump-hating wife.
But to be fair, to be fair, I don't even
know if that was an insult, because Donald Trump
also has a Trump-hating wife.
[laughter, applause]
So you can't tell me Melania don't hate that man.
If anything, this week was confirmation.
If y'all think Trump--
let me ask you this then.
During Donald Trump's 45 minutes
as a political prisoner, where was his wife?
ANTHONY DILORENZO: So many people
noticed the former first lady, the former president's wife,
Melania Trump, was not in attendance last night.
REPORTER 3: His wife, former first Lady Melania Trump,
she was not there.
Among the guests were ardent Trump supporters, including
Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene and the MyPillow
founder Mike Lindell.
One person noticeably absent last night was former First
Lady Melania Trump.
Even the pillow salesman showed up for the speech,
but his own wife didn't show up.
And the speech was at the house.
Melania didn't even come downstairs.
She just-- she opened up the bedroom door.
Oh, you're back from prison already?
Oh.
[clicking]
Now, look-- we're making jokes.
We're making jokes.
But there's nothing funny about a former first lady
not showing up to her husband's speech
where he's complaining about getting arrested for lying
about paying off a porn star.
Frankly, I'm concerned about Melania's whereabouts.
So we launched a search for her.
And that search is being headed by our very own Dulcé Sloan.
Dulcé.
[cheering, applause]
Dulcé.
Now, Dulcé, you're in Florida.
You're in Florida, Dulcé.
Hello, poor people.
Yes.
We are-- we are very poor, Dulcé.
Vacation.
I mean, working.
You're down there on the coast.
Are there any signs of Melania down there?
Oh, not yet.
You know, I've been looking for her at the beach all day.
And after this, I'm going to look for her at brunch.
And then I might go look for her
at the front row of a Magic Mike show.
You know I'm vigilant.
You know vigilante out here, yeah.
Ain't the Magic Mike show in Las Vegas?
I think you're taking advantage of the corporate expense
account. We'll talk about that later.
But first, let's just, while I got you,
let's just talk about this whole thing.
Don't you think that Melania should leave Donald Trump?
I mean, the man was paying hush money to porn stars.
Roy, Roy, Roy.
You don't understand, son.
The hush money was for Melania.
She's the reason he didn't want people
to know about Stormy Daniels.
Shit, if he wasn't married, his campaign slogan would have
been I [bleep] porn stars.
[imitates bullhorn]
[laughter, applause]
ROY WOOD, JR.: OK. - Oh, my god.
[applause]
OK.
But for Melania, he paid a porn star a $130,000.
Oh!
To know a love like that-- oh.
OK.
You know, I mean, you know, it's
kind of romantic for a man to just
break bread like that for you. - OK, OK.
I got you.
So then you think Melania should stay with Donald?
[bleep] no.
He cheated on her with a porn star.
Come on.
I've dumped men for a lot less.
I broke up with a guy last week because he
left me a voicemail.
A voicemail?
Sir, what year do you think this is?
Just leave a comment on my TikTok like an adult, grandpa.
OK.
So I see what you're saying.
So then you think Melania should have
dumped Trump back in 2016.
Gotcha. - Oh, hell no.
Listen, Uncle Roy.
Are you listening?
Why would she dump him when he just
got elected el presidente?
You cheat on me, you think I'm going to let some porn
star be the first lady?
What the hell?
No.
Nah, bitch.
I'm getting a portrait, OK?
A real one with paint and shit, OK?
[cheering, applause]
ROY WOOD, JR.: OK.
OK.
I'm talking about a canvas, the easel,
and we're going to sit there for seven hours
and look happy, damn it.
OK.
Going every which way, then, Dulcé, just tell me
what the hell should Melania do then?
She should be doing what she been doing--
take advantage of Trump when he's president.
And when he's not, let his ass twist in the wind
while you at home watching Martin reruns
and banging his pool boys.
[cheering, applause]
OK.
I mean, she's doing it at Mar-a-Lago right now.
Wait, so you know what she is.
Well then, why are you running up
an expense account on my week?
What you-- what?
This is my week hosting.
And you running up the bill with all this travel.
Come on.
Wow.
This is how you treat a Black woman?
That's not--
And at April?
No, no, that's not how I meant it.
Black Women's History month?
No, no, no, no, no. No, no, no no.
No, no, no. No, no, no.
That's not how I meant it. - Wow.
That's not how I meant it.
Wow.
That's not how-- no, no, no, no, no.
Let me--
No, I should be out here with a Telfar bag and Morris
Chestnut, and you out here trying to act
like I'm not doing my job.
You know what, I'm going to get on my jet ski.
I got to do with you--
I ain't got to do nothing--
what-- where my jet ski?
Dulcé Sloan, everybody.