President Joseph Reprehensible Biden.
And, yes, that is his new middle name-- Reprehensible.
Because Biden has been in office for just six weeks
and already, people, he has had more scandals
than any president before him.
As we'll find out in another episode of
Joe Biden: The Worst President In History That We Can Remember.
? ?
It will never happen.
You know, it's hard to even keep track
of all the scandalous things that Joe Biden has done
since the last time we did this segment, but yesterday
he said one of the most outrageous things
anybody, or at least anybody on Fox News, has ever heard.
DOOCY: Part of the president's plea with the American people
when he took over was to stop talking about
political opponents like they are enemies,
because they are not, and he's not
calling these Republican leaders reopening their states enemies,
but is he calling them Neanderthals.
DOOCY: What a uniter Joe Biden is.
-You know, this is Mr. Unity. -(pundits laughing)
And yet, if you disagree with him, you're a Neanderthal.
It turns out that he's just another snob.
Using dismissive, deplorable- like, demeaning language
to describe people who didn't vote for him.
He called them Neanderthals. Now you don't call
one of the largest states in the union Neanderthal.
According to Joe Biden, only a Neanderthal
would lift COVID restrictions on Americans.
I started the Neanderthal caucus because Neanderthals
are hunter-gatherers, they're protectors of their family.
They are resilient.
They're resourceful.
They tend to their own.
I can't believe that Joe Biden has the nerve
to call these great Americans Neanderthals.
But also,
calling them Neanderthals is actually a compliment.
So apologize, Joe Biden!
But also, thank you.
But how dare you!
But also, you're so sweet.
Resign! My best friend.
This is just disgusting, people.
Not only did Joe Biden call Republicans the N-word...
(deep breath) ...but he forced them to acknowledge evolution.
That is the worst thing you can do to a Republican.
And by the way, point me to a single Neanderthal
that died from COVID, huh?
Guess you're not so smart now, huh, buddy?
And it's bad enough that Joe Biden is insulting people
who don't want to wear masks, but what's even worse
is that Joe Biden is a monster
who wants to wear a mask himself.
Why is Joe Biden still wearing a mask?
-He's been vaccinated. -(pundits giggle)
Like, this virtue signaling that continues on
is just really getting tiresome.
You tell him.
What kind of sick person goes out of his way
to set an example?
You never once saw Donald Trump care about public health. No.
He stood shoulder to shoulder with ordinary people
and contracted COVID, because that's leadership,
Mr. President-- if that even is your real name.
What Joe Biden doesn't understand
is that wearing a mask is a personal decision
that everyone should get to make for themselves...
except for Joe Biden, who isn't allowed to wear a mask
because it annoys me!
But clearly, there's something else going on here.
Joe Biden is hiding something under that mask.
Could it be...
a Hitler mustache?
(gasps) Take off your mask, Joe,
or you are the new Hitler!
Meanwhile, Joe Biden is not only failing on COVID,
he's a one-man super-spreader for an even worse pandemic:
cancel culture.
NEWSWOMAN: President Biden didn't even mention Dr. Seuss
in his presidential proclamation
honoring Read Across America Day yesterday.
The Biden White House has erased,
literally erased Dr. Seuss
from their Read Across America proclamation this week.
So, it's Dr. Seuss's birthday.
The Biden administration is refusing to celebrate.
Biden administration cancelled the entire...
It's like Dr. Seuss.
Magic wand, doesn't exist.
That's right. Joe Biden has a magic wand,
and he used it to erase Dr. Seuss.
He could have been doing something
that would actually benefit the country with that wand.
You know? Like making all the face masks disappear.
And how hypocritical is it to tell America
that they should be listening to doctors,
and then literally murder an esteemed medical expert
like Dr. Seuss?
Look out, America. This is just the beginning
of Biden's crusade against all doctors.
But only the real ones, which I guess means
"Dr. Jill Biden" has nothing to worry about.
And by the way, what a sad departure
from America's last president, who respected Dr. Seuss so much
that he constantly spoke in made-up words.
Anonymish. Anomymish.
United Smates.
There's no sugar-coating it,
this administration is going to the dogs.
And what's even sadder is those dogs are ugly as shit.
NEWSMAN: Oh, I got to show you
some nonsense from the White House.
They put this out.
They've got this... Pawffice.
Some sort of cutesy account for the dogs.
Did you see the dog. Let's get...
I want to show you something I noticed.
Doesn't he look a little, uh, little rough?
This dog looks like from, I'm sorry, from the junkyard.
And I love that dog,
but he looks like he's not being well cared for.
NEWSMAN: No, he looks very dirty and disheveled,
and, uh, very unlike a presidential dog,
like, uh, Millie or Victory or something else in the past
in the pres... in the White House.
Yeah, dude!
Drag that dog!
Hey, Fido, why don't you go fetch...
a new stylist!
I mean, what the hell has that dog been doing, huh?
Running around playing? No wonder he looks like that.
Everyone knows if you want your dog to remain in mint condition,
you never take it out of the packaging.
Joe Biden has a lot to explain about how he treats that pet.
No dog should ever look mangier than Ted Cruz.
Hell, I'll say it. I do not like this dog.
I do not like it here or there.
I do not like it anywhere.
And yeah, that's right, I'm quoting Dr. Seuss.
Is that illegal now? Well, then I'll stop,
because I've got priors.
So, those are the many Joe Biden scandals exposed
by the muckraking journalists of conservative media
in just the last three weeks.
And who knows, by this time tomorrow,
we could find out that Biden doesn't empty
the crumb tray in his toaster, or even worse,
he sits when he pees.
And when he does, we'll be there to tell you all about it
in another episode of Joe Biden: The Worst President in History
That We Can Remember.