- Played my first villain.
Right? Did this movie, I played a villain.
Something cool about being a evil ass.
(audience chuckling)
Wish I could do things at will, you know what I mean?
Like do things at will, like,
you know what I wish I could do?
I wish I could just like, pile drive somebody
anytime I wanted to.
You know what I mean?
(audience cheering and laughing)
Yeah. I gave you a five,
you gave me a change for a one.
Yeah, looking in that pile of ones, you'll see a five.
No, no, no.
It's a, it's a-
No, come on dog.
Come on man.
(audience laughing)
Check the pile of ones and get my change back.
Okay.
(J.B. laughing)
Oh man, you a damn fool, man.
If you don't get my god damn change back,
woo!
You got me tripping up in here.
(J.B. shrieking)
(chair thumping)
(audience laughing)
(upbeat music)
See, I go to the gym.
I try to go to the gym a little bit, work out.
I get irritated when I go to the gym.
So when I walk in the gym, I get irritated.
You know why?
'Cause everything so damn heavy.
All this shit.
(audience laughing)
Ain't no light shit in here?
(audience laughing)
(J.B. shrieking)
(audience laughing)
The fuck is this?
(J.B. chuckling)
My new gym so damn heavy,
the door to get in that shit heavy.
I'll be like, "God damn,
How the fuck do you get in this God damn-?
What kind of door is this?
God damn!
(J.B. screaming)
Fu-uck!
What kind door is this?
Fuck.
Woo!
How the fuck do you get in this God damn gym?
(audience laughing)
Hey man, people outside can't get in!
(audience laughing)
What kind of damn door is this?
I gotta wait outside for somebody to leave
to get in the God damn gym.
(audience laughing)
Once somebody leave, I'll slide up in this motherfucker.
Hold the door. Hold that God damned door!
Hold the door, hold the door.
God damn.
I'm in the gym.
I don't know how I'ma leave.
Well I'm up in this motherfucker.
I gotta pull a file alarm and leave.
We all leaving at the same God damn time.
(audience cheering and laughing)
It's crazy everywhere you go.
I don't care where you go.
It's crazy, man.
I was down in Tennessee.
Lemme tell you right now about Tennessee.
Your car break down in Tennessee?
You have just moved to Tennessee.
(audience laughing)
Nobody knows nothing no more.
You done get lost driving your car,
and ask somebody how to get somewhere?
You can look right at their face
and tell they don't know nothing.
The face tells the whole damn story.
You could be driving your car, lost,
and ask somebody how to get somewhere,
and can tell they don't know the hell they talking about
by the damn face.
It's the same face every city you go to.
You driving your car.
(imitating car engine revving)
(imitating brakes screeching)
"Hey my man, I'm trying to find Thompson Street.
Yeah, I'm trying to find Thompson Street.
I'm trying to find Thompson Street.
Yeah, Thompson Street."
The guy turns around with the same damn face.
"Ah..."
(audience laughing)
(audience cheering and laughing)
"You said Thompson or Tom's son?
Ah. What you wanna do is,
wait a minute,
don't drive while I'm talking to you.
(audience laughing)
What a minute now, I'm trying to help you out brother.
Wait, you on my leg.
The tire's on my leg!"
(audience laughing)
I don't have time for that.
I don't have time for that, man.
I said the next person I see better know something.
I seen an old man.
Old people ain't got no time for that.
I'm mad as hell.
(imitating car engine revving)
(imitating brakes screeching)
"Hey, old-ass man!
Hey old-ass man!
I'm trying to find Thompson Street,
you old bastard."
(audience cheering and laughing)
The old man turned around.
He said, "Whoa, wait a minute now."
(audience laughing)
(audience cheering and laughing)
"Now look here, young fella.
I'm gonna have you get where you gotta go.
Look here, you go down here.
You hear me?
You go down here, you make a left.
You make another left, you make another left.
You make another left.
When you get back here,
you ask me the right way.
(audience laughing)
Some things you gotta do, man,
to keep your relationship going.
Your lady gotta know how to cook.
Her ass gotta know how to cook.
I don't mean fuckin' around and-
you know, I'm I'm talking about real shit,
that men like to eat.
Right? You ever eat some fried chicken
that was so fucking horrible?
Right?
That was so terrible,
you fuck up fried chicken,
you ain't shit!
(audience laughing)
You ever taste some damn chicken
so horrible
that you wish the chicken would show up at your house
and show your lady how to cook him?
(audience laughing)
"Get the fuck out the way.
This is ridiculous.
I gonna show you how to cook a piece of chicken."
He gotta tie his own leg off.
(microphone thumping)
(audience laughing)
"Now pick that chicken leg up, pick it up!
Wash it off, wash it off.
Go in that damn cabinet.
Get the seasoning salt, a paprika,
the salt, the pepper, the flour and a paper bag.
And hurry up."
(audience laughing)
"Don't make no God damned sense.
I gotta show your ass how to cook me?
Put the God damn frying pan on the God damn stove.
Pour some God damn grease in it.
375, let it heat up."
(audience laughing)
"Don't make no fuckin' sense.
Wash that chicken off good.
'Cause I can kill your ass with salmonella."
(audience laughing)
"I'm getting so weak.
Now put that chicken in a God damned pan.
And it gets 15 minutes on one side.
You turn it over on the other side,
15 more minutes.
Oh shit, I'm blacking out."
(audience laughing)
"I'm gettin' real weak here.
Okay."
(J.B. inhaling and exhaling dramatically)
"Let it brown real good on both sides."
(audience laughing)
"When that chicken get done, you come up here,
and you snap my neck,
and rotisserie the rest of me.
Now don't fuck this up, now.
475 in the oven, covered up with aluminum foil."
(J.B. and audience laughing)
(audience laughing and cheering)
(air whooshing)
I am not a fighter.
I can't fight.
I act like a tough guy, but I'm not a fighter.
Fighting is not my forte.
Know what my forte is?
Pressing charges.
That's my forte.
Boy, you hit me, the game is over.
(J.B. singing)
♪ Bom ba bom bom bom ♪
Your ass going to jail!
I'm from a natural line of trash talkers.
My grandma talk trash.
We all talk trash.
I'm in a club the other night, man.
I'm gettin' my groove on,
this dude knock my drink outta my hand.
(microphone rustling)
"Hey player, God damn!
You just spilled my God damn drink.
Now here's what you gonna do.
You gonna take your ass to the bar.
You gonna go in your pocket,
you gonna take out some money
and you gonna buy me another God damn drink.
Get out of my face!
(audience laughing)
Get my God damn drink.
Hello? You crazy, man?
You just punched me in my God damn nose!
You are going to jail! You are going-
Yo, this brother is choking me.
Does anybody know this dude?
Does anybody know this dude? You are going to jail!
Oh I'm blacking out.
I saw your face.
I saw your damn face.
They're gonna draw a sketch of your ass."
If somebody grab you that damn fast,
it feel like they shot you, like they shot your ass.
(microphone popping)
Somebody grab a hold of your ass?
I swear to God, like he shot me in the damn neck.
(microphone popping)
"I got your ass!
You're running your damn mouth so damn much."
You can tell when somebody trying to kill you, too.
When you see teeth, when they choking your ass,
when somebody choking your ass,
if you see their damn teeth,
they are trying to kill your ass.
(audience laughing)
Teeth mean death.
(audience laughing)
You talking trash.
"What you wanna do brother? Huh? Huh huh?"
(microphone popping)
"You crazy, boy.
Huh? Huh?
Huh?
Huh? Huh?
(audience laughing)
Huh?
(J.B. shrieking)
Now what? Huh?"
Death, right here.
Death in the face.
You ever get in a fight and go get help,
and come back and still get your ass whooped?
"What you wanna do brother?
You hit the wrong brother now.
You done jacked up now.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You about to get jumped.
You about to get jumped-
(microphone thudding)
Get behind his ass. Behind him.
Behind his ass. Get behind his ass.
Get behind him, God damn!
Ain't you ever jump somebody before?
This dude never jumped nobody-
(microphone thudding)
You busted my nose!
You are going to jail.
Oh hell nah.
He is choking me.
Do something.
Go get my other brother.
You ain't worth a damn.
Oh I'm blacking out, oh.
I saw your face.
They're gonna draw a sketch of your ass.
You're going to jail!"
(air whooshing)
Oh, look at him.
(audience cooing)
That's so cute.
You buy nice things, perfume and that kind of stuff?
Don't you ever buy no perfume!
(audience laughing)
(J.B. and audience chuckling)
A man can't buy a lady perfume, playboy.
You know why?
I'm gonna tell you why.
It takes women a thousand years
to find the right fragrance that smells good on them.
Perfume ain't shit.
You understand?
Perfume is not what makes your lady smell good.
Your lady makes your lady smell good.
Every lady has their own natural chemistry.
You don't believe me?
Next time you're walking down in Times Square, right?
Next time you in Times Square,
every lady you walk by,
just lick their face, like this.
(audience laughing)
You gonna go to jail, but,
(audience laughing)
you'll find out that every lady tastes a little different.
You understand?
All you can do is go in that damn cabinet.
That's all you can do, is go in the cabinet,
see what's almost empty.
Take it, look at it,
and go and buy more of the stuff that she used up already.
You know what I'm saying?
You come back
you give her that damn perfume that she's almost empty on,
I'm telling you, you gonna get a piece of ass.
(audience laughing)
She be like, "Oh my god you are paying attention to me.
You went in the cabinet and found out what was empty?
Oh my god, I love you.
I freaking love you."
(audience laughing)
But see, now you can't do it with this lady
'cause she just heard me.
Your next girlfriend...
(audience laughing and applauding)
(air whooshing)
Grown people, please pay attention to your surroundings.
Right?
People are getting taken every day, man.
Kidnappings is up.
Kidnappings are up, okay?
It's one thing for a kid to get kidnapped.
When your ass 35 years old, and you get kidnapped,
(audience laughing)
that's not even the kidnapper's fault.
That's your God damn fault.
(audience laughing)
Can't blame that on a kidnapper.
Pay attention to your surroundings, people.
Look what the fuck is going on around you.
You walking down this damn street,
coming from the damn store,
and there's a dude riding next to you,
with two wheels on the curb,
riding the same speed your ass walking.
Like this.
(audience laughing)
You don't see a damn thing wrong?
He about to take your ass!
(audience laughing)
You see a late model black-ass van?
Run.
Fucking run.
Late model black-ass vans
ain't never been good for shit.
Ain't no church revival in there.
Ain't no damn cotton candy.
Ain't no God damn ice cream.
Nothing but bad news in a late model black-ass van.
(audience laughing)
A black van roll up with that big ass door.
(imitating van door swinging open)
"Get your ass in here! Get your ass in here!"
(audience laughing)
When you see that big ass door,
you get the fuck out of there.
(audience laughing)
Keep taking people.
You cannot take nobody in no damn new vans.
'Cause the God damn door,
you gotta press a damn button and it's too God damn slow.
That button-
(audience laughing)
(J.B. screaming)
"A kidnapper!
Hold the door! Hold that God damn door."
"Ah, shit.
The bitch saw my face. Go, go!"
(J.B. shrieking)
(audience laughing)
"Well I told your ass,
late model black-ass vans.
You come back with a 2011 minivan?
The bitch saw my face!
(audience laughing)
She had time to get in the God damn van,
look at me again,
and had time get the fuck back out,
before the door closed.
(audience laughing)
The bitch saw my face!"
(upbeat music)