The front page of the campus newspaper was my
best course of action.
I deployed every weapon in my literary
arsenal. Humor.
So funny.
Gravitas. So moving.
Fear mongering.
So scary.
And last but not least.
Heartfelt emotion.
Not worry. Shine all in on fear.
Excuse me. If I had an excuse that's going
to rip the lid off this university's
leadership and shine a light on its rotten
core. Who could I turn that into?
You can give it to me. I'd feel more
comfortable giving it to someone who's less
likely to roll it up and smoke it.
Well, I'm the editor, so it's me or nothing.
Very well. I'm handing you the scoop of a
lifetime.
Okay.
As your people say, I think you'll dig it.
Hello, this is Mayor Harrison.
I understand you are running for office
class president.
Do you have any advice on how to win?
Most important thing is to get out there and
connect with people.
That's tricky.
I'm not terribly fond of people.
Well, you might need to get over that.
Assuming I can, how do I connect with them?
Friendly handshake is a great start.
Oh, boy. Now I have to touch them.
Over the next few days, I mounted my
campaign.
My name is Sheldon Cooper, and I'm running
for class president.
Okay, put her there.
Greetings, fellow students.
I'm running for class president.
Here's a button.
Have a grown up. Put them on you.
They're sharp. Hello, I'm Sheldon Cooper,
and I'm running for class president.
Yeah, I understand you had a baby last year.
If you bring it in, I'll try to kiss it.
I was shocked to learn that the Happy Hearth
Home bakeries had been bought out by the
domestic food corporation, and they started
making their bread faster and cheaper.
And you don't like that, do you?
No.
And you're collecting signatures to make them
stop, I am.
Corporations shouldn't be allowed to make
these decisions on their own.
Well who should?
The people who eat the bread.
This wouldn't happen if there were
centralized control over all these big
corporations. Are you suggesting.
A communist form of government in Texas?
I suppose I am.
Hang on a sec. There you have it.
Local boy Sheldon Cooper says communism is
what Texas needs.
Oh, dear God.
Hey, here's a funny prank you can try
tonight. When Dan falls asleep, put some
shaving cream in his hand and then tickle
his nose. Why?
Because then he'll go to, you know, scratch
the nose and he'll get shaving cream on his
face.
And then what?
Well.
That's it.
Well, I'm a guest in their home, and that
doesn't seem like a very good way to repay
their kindness.
Never mind. And what if the shaving cream
gets in his eyes? That would sting.
Sorry, I mentioned it.
Also, I didn't bring my own shaving cream.
I'd have to use his dad. Forget it.
Shelly.
Everything okay?
Hunky dory? Why?
Well, you're kind of dressed like you
kidnapped yourself.
Oh, I tried to block out sensory input.
I hit a roadblock. Determining whether
virtual particles have a fixed mass or
violate momentum conservation.
But then I remembered that Nikola Tesla
believed that isolation is where ideas are
born.
Who's Nikola Tesla?
One of the most prolific scientists of the
20th century.
Okay, and just out of curiosity, how isolated
was he?
Oh, highly. He found human contact revolting.
Oh, well, that's kind of a lonely way to
live, don't you think?
Well, he wasn't entirely alone.
At the end of his life, he became good
friends with a brown pigeon.
Right. See ya.
Sheldon?
Yes.
What is the angular momentum of the neutron
and the proton inside deuterium?
Oh, um, L equals zero.
Carlos, you're missing the 4% admixture of L
equals two.
Sorry, I'm a little distracted.
It happens anyway.
Normally, I would have gotten that right.
I have no doubt.
Anyway, there are just some things going on
at home, and I'm not allowed to talk about
it.
And we don't want to hear about it.
I can tell you, no one's sick, in case you're
concerned.
Anyone concerned?
Show of hands.
No. Moving on.
That's why I got the answer wrong, son.
It's just a mistake.
Everyone makes them.
Like my brother Georgie did when he got that
girl pregnant. Don't say it.
Don't say it, don't say it.
What?
I need to use the restroom.
This is college. Just go.
You. Red shirt, lock the door.