So, the next-gen has finally arrived.
Let's fuckin' DO this.
So with a methuselaic lifespan of two and one-half months, next-gen consoles are now
just old enough to date Woody Allen... and we now know exactly two things:
My predictions about the PS4 were more Sylvia Browne than Nostradamus.
Ah well, it's The Rageaholic, people, not 'Zoltar fuckin' SPEAKS', get over it.
And the other thing we've learned is that morons will buy literally anything, provided
that it's named 'Xbox' or 'Playstation'.
Whether it has a single decent fucking game in its library or not.
Which brings me to the subject of today's rant: WHAT IN FUCK ARE YOU PEOPLE BUYING THESE
USELESS PLASTIC BRICKS FOR, RIGHT NOW?!
Do you have $500 lying around that - by law - must be spent on something this holiday
season?
I had $500 extra dollars this holiday season, I bought a TV and put some cash down on a
new motorcycle!
Does Sony execute a starving war orphan for every gamer that refuses to buy this fuckin'
machine?!
And - once purchased - what exactly are you doing with these fuckin' machines?
There is literally nothing to play on these goddamn things!
What, do you sit at the menu screen, peer hypnotically at the U.I. and feel yourself
age?
And don't you dare start in with the bullshit 'Oh, but I'm playing Knack and the Xbox One
version of Battlefield 4!
It's MUCH better on next-gen consoles!'
I hate to shatter the pristine, glass fortress you've psychically constructed for yourself,
but here comes the fuckin' hammer, bitch: Retards are saying 'Knack' is an amazing game...
for the same reason morons said Perfect Dark: Zero was an amazing game: If there's one mortal
truth the PS4 and Xbox One launch has written in hot, neon fuckin' pink calligraphy across
the fucking sky... it's that saying you like shitty games... is 9 billion times easier
than admitting you dropped $400 bucks on a console and don't have anything to fuckin'
play!
'Balderdash, RazörFist!
Just look at that launch lineup!
I agree, LET'S!
KillZone: Shadowfall, or alternately: Brown grimdark bunkers: The Video Game
Sure, there's a return on your investment, assface.
A sepia-drenched action shooter with a prevailing message that's pounded home with fists of
ham.
And not even smokehouse ham!
That low-rent Black Forest shit!
Kirkland brand at Wal-Mart!
... I don't know where this analogy is going,
either, but the game is turds!
FLOWER - If pretentiousness could kill, by god, Flower would be the holocaust.
'Challenges traditional gaming conventions' should be code for 'If our developers' skinny
jeans were any tighter, they'd be physically woven into our fucking flesh!'
But more to the point, it's a fuckin' RE-RELEASE!
Much like SomethingAwful.com after the year 2002... it doesn't even count.
Oh, but let's not forget Knack - The Groundhog Day of modern gaming.
This game invents new and exciting kinds of repetitive.
Killer Instinct?
Sure, just what I'm looking for.
A game I get to pay for, slowly, over the course of 17 goddamn years.
It's a VIDEO GAME, not a MUTUAL FUND!
Unless Bill Gates and Kaz Hirai presently have the barrel of a fuckin' 12-gauge pressed
to the base of your brain stem... is it so goddamn much to ask that you blithering, halfwit
sheep wait until they release a fuckin' GAME for these things?!
I'd ask if you were just jumping on a bandwagon, but we all saw how you morons reacted to the
Xbox One reveal.
The only thing you enjoy more than leaping on a bandwagon without thinking is PAYING
500 DOLLARS... to jump on a bandwagon without thinking.
Not only do these systems have no games.
The games they will eventually have... are coming at the speed of litigation.
I'm RazörFist.
I hope you die.
God - fuckin' - SPEED!