LET'S JUMP INTO THE HEADLINES BECAUSE THERE'S NEWS TO TALK
ABOUT.
OF COURSE, DONALD TRUMP'S SECOND IMPEACHMENT TRIAL BEGAN TODAY,
AND IT STARTED OUT WITH A DEBATE OVER WHETHER OR NOT IMPEACHING A
FORMER PRESIDENT IS CONSTITUTIONAL.
IT FEELS LIKE THIS QUESTION COULD HAVE BEEN ANSWERED WEEKS
AGO WITH A SIMPLE TEXT TO A COLLEGE PROFESSOR SOMEWHERE.
BUT WHAT DO I KNOW?
AS EXPECTED, THE SENATE PASSED THE VOTE SAYING THE
IMPEACHMENT TRIAL WOULD GO ON.
THE SENATE DOES HAVE JURISDICTION TO TRY A FORMER
PRESIDENT.
SO THERE GOES TRUMP'S FIRST STRATEGY.
NOW THAT IT HAS FAILED, HE'LL BE MOVING ON TO THE VAUNTED "IT
WASN'T ME" DEFENSE PIONEERED IN THE LANDMARK CASE, "SHAGGY V.
GETTING CAUGHT RED-HANDED."
( LAUGHTER ) LEADING THE IMPEACHMENT DEFENSE
FOR TRUMP IS BRUCE CASTOR, A CONTROVERSIAL LAWYER WHO
SPECIALIZES IN MEDICAL MALPRACTICE AND "PEOPLE FALSELY
ACCUSED IN 'ME TOO' CASES."
YOU CAN SEE HIM IN THIS PHOTO HERE -- JUST BASED ON THAT
PICTURE ALONE, I CAN ALREADY TELL THIS IS NOT A NICE PERSON
WHO IS AMAZING AT RAQUETBALL.
>> Reggie: OH, YES Y.
>> James: YOU DON'T WANT TO HANG OUT WITH HIM BUT YOU WANT
CASTOR IN DOUBLES.
>> Reggie: YES.
>> James: HERE'S BRUCE CASTOR TODAY
ON THE SENATE FLOOR, ARGUING ON BEHALF OF TRUMP.
SEE IF YOU CAN FOLLOW ALONG.
>> IF WE GO DOWN THE ROAD THAT MY VERY WORTHY ADVERSARY HERE
MR. RASKIN ASKS YOU TO GO DOWN, THE FLOODGATES WILL OPEN.
I WAS GOING TO SAY IT WILL -- INSTEAD OF FLOODGATES, I WAS
GOING TO SAY, ORIGINALLY, IT WILL RELEASE THE WHIRLWIND,
WHICH IS A POLITICAL -- A BIBLICAL REFERENCE, BUT I
SCWEBTLY LEARNED SINCE I GOT HERE THAT THAT PARTICULAR PHRASE
HAS ALREADY BEEN TAKEN, SO I FIGURED I BETTER CHANGE IT TO
FLOODGATES.
>> James: WHAT?
I'LL ADMIT, I HAD HIGH HOPES WHEN HE SHOWED UP WEARING
GLASSES.
( LAUGHTER ) YOU KNOW HE'S GOING TO GET HOME
TONIGHT AND BE LIKE, OH, I SHOULD'VE GONE WITH
FLOODGATES."
SHOULDN'T HAVE MENTIONED THE WINDS AT ALL.
WHAT WAS I THINKING?
( LAUGHTER ) DID YOU SEE ME TODAY, BABE?
YEAH, I DID THE -- ( LAUGHTER )
I ( BLEEP ) UP.
DID YOU SEE THE -- YEAH, THE FLOODGATES BIT, YEAH.
( BLEEP ).
NOW, CASTOR ONLY HAD A WEEK TO PREPARE FOR THE TRIAL AND HAS
NEVER MET WITH TRUMP IN PERSON, WHICH IS HONESTLY A GOOD LEGAL
STRATEGY.
"HEY, MAN, THE LESS I KNOW, THE BETTER."
BUT HIS LACK OF PREPARATION WAS KIND OF OBVIOUS.
>> SENATOR DIRKSEN RECORDED A SERIES OF LECTURES THAT MY
PARENTS HAD ON A RECORD AND -- WE STILL KNOW WHAT RECORDS ARE,
RIGHT?
THE THING YOU PUT THE NEEDLE DOWN ON AND YOU PLAY IT.
>> James: YEAH, AND WHATEVER HAPPENED TO BLOCKBUSTER VIDEOS?
YOU COULD GET A MOVIE AND A BOX OF GOOD-N-PLENTY AT THE SAME
TIME!" HE LISTENED TO VINYL RECORDS OF
SPEECHES FROM A SENATOR.
WHICH MAKES SENSE.
YOU HAVEN'T REALLY HEARD CHUCK SCHUMER UNTIL YOU'VE HEARD
CHUCK SCHUMER ON VINYL.
( LAUGHTER ) I ALSO WANT TO SAY, JUST BECAUSE
WE ALL REMEMBER WHAT A RECORD PLAYER IS
DOESN'T MEAN WE UNDERSTAND ANYTHING ELSE YOU'RE TRYING TO
SAY HERE.
( LAUGHTER ) AND HERE HE GETS CONFUSED
WHETHER HE'S DOING A LIST WITH NUMBERS OR LETTERS.
>> BUT THERE ISN'T A SINGLE ONE OF YOU WHO, A, DOESN'T CONSIDER
YOURSELF A PATRIOT OF THE UNITED STATES AND, TWO, THERE ISN'T A
SINGLE ONE OF YOU WHO DOESN'T CONSIDER THE OTHER 99 TO BE
PATRIOTS OF THE UNITED STATES.
>> James: OH, IT WAS ALL GOING PERFECTLY UP UNTIL THAT POINT.
( LAUGHTER ) ONE BIG CHANGE IS TRUMP ISN'T
ABLE TO LIVE TWEET ABOUT THIS ONE.
I WOULD LOVE TO SEE TRUMP GET CREATIVE THIS WEEK.
I KNOW HE CAN'T TWEET BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN HE CAN'T SHARE HIS
FEELINGS IN ANOTHER FORM LIKE SKY WRITING.
MOVING ON.
THERE'S SOME INTERESTING SPACE NEWS.
OR AS IT'S KNOWN IN SPACE...
NEWS.
THREE SPACE CRAFTS LAUNCHED BY THREE DIFFERENT NATIONS ARE DUE
TO REACH MARS WITHIN DAYS OF EACH OTHER.
THE UNITED ARAB EMIRATES'S PROBE REACHED MARS TODAY, CHINA'S
ARRIVES ON WEDNESDAY, AND NASA'S WILL TOUCH DOWN NEXT WEEK.
THREE DIFFERENT PROBES IN LESS THAN A WEEK.
THOSE ARE GUILLERMO NUMBERS.
( LAUGHTER ) YOU KNOW WHAT THIS IS,
GUILLERMO?
A MARS-NAJ-A-TROIS.
>> OH, OKAY.
THAT WAS A FAILURE OF A JOKE.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Reggie: FAILURE TO LAUNCH.
FAILURE TO LAUNCH.
>> James: THAT WASN'T A FAILURE OF A JOKE!
>> YES.
>> James: WOW.
I CAN'T ARGUE WIT.
( LAUGHTER ) DID YOU WRITE THAT JOKE, JOHN?
WHO WROTE THAT JOKE?
>> I'M NOT SURE.
>> James: WRITERS UNION HOLDING STRONG.
>> CAN'T LEAVE THE ROOM.
>> James: ANOTHER ONE GOES UNDER THE BUS.
NO ONE GOES UNDER THE BUS.
IF KENNEDY SAYS NO, WE'RE ONE FOR ALL, ALL FOR ONE.
UNLESS IT'S TOM AND THEN I'LL THROW HIM UNDER THE BUS.
SCIENTISTS ARE CONCERNED THAT THE THREE SPACE CRAFTS WILL
CONVERGE BEFORE GETTING TO MARS AND BE LIKE, "OH, YOU GO AHEAD."
NO, PLEASE, AFTER YOU.
OH, WE BOTH WENT.
SO, NO, YOU GO.
AND THEN JUST NEVER ACTUALLY LAND ON MARS.
( LAUGHTER ) I THINK THAT WHOLE BIT GOES.
( LAUGHTER ) >> THIS IS GOING TO BE TOUGH TO
COME BACK FROM.
>> James: I CAN'T EVEN BLAME THE JOKE.
THAT WAS A GOOD JOKE.
IT'S ALL ME.
THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I DON'T GET MY WALK DOWN WITH ROB.
ARE YOU WEARING THAT HAT, TIM, BECAUSE OWEN WILSON WORE A HAT
YESTERDAY AND YOU THOUGHT, I'M GOING TO PULL A HAT OUT.
>> YEAH.
THERE'S NO WAY TO BE IN A BAD MOOD WHEN I'M WEARING A COWBOY
HAT.
>> James: TRY DOING THESE JOKES, YOU WILL FIND ONE.
( LAUGHTER ) I THINK IT'S THE GLARE OFF
PETE'S SHIRT, BOUNCING BACK OFF THE LIGHTS.
DO YOU WANT SOME TECH NEWS?
>> YES!
ALL RIGHT.
TWITTER IS APPARENTLY EXPLORING THE IDEA OF ADDING A "TIPPING"
FEATURE, THAT WOULD ALLOW USERS TO PAY THEIR FAVORITE ACCOUNTS
FOR EXCLUSIVE CONTENT.
YEAH, THAT'S WHAT I WANT TO PAY GOOD MONEY FOR.
A NEVER-BEFORE-SEEN TAKE ON THE -- OH, ( BLEEP ).
( LAUGHTER ) >> James: THIS IS IT.
THIS IS THE ONE.
>> YEP.
THIS IS THE BIG ONE.
>> James: THIS IS THE ONE THAT JUST BROKE IT ALL.
THIS IS THE ONE.
I WAS HERE ON TIME.
YOU WERE HERE ON TIME.
PETE WAS HERE ON TIME.
>> YEAH.
>> James: I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S CHANGED.
( LAUGHTER ) YOU WANT A TIP?
I'LL GIVE YOU A TIP.
GET OFF TWITTER!
LIVE YOUR LIFE!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND NOW, OF COURSE, VALENTINE'S
DAY IS COMING UP AND SHAKE SHACK IS
OFFERING A SPECIAL "LOVE DELIVERED" EXPERIENCE, WHICH
INCLUDES AN INTIMATE VIRTUAL PERFORMANCE FROM BOYZ II MEN.
ALTHOUGH AFTER YOU'RE STUFFED FULL OF SHAKE SHACK YOU'LL BE
LIKE ♪ I'LL MAKE LOVE TO YOU ♪
PROBABLY IN THE MORNING BECAUSE I FEEL A BIT
-- WE SHOULD DO IT IN THE MORNING.
WE'LL FIGURE OUT HOW TO DO IT SO NEITHER OF US CAN SMELL EACH
OTHER'S BREATH.
WE'LL WORK IT OUT.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT THIS IS PERFECT FOR COUPLES
WHO HAVE ALREADY SPENT A YEAR IN LOCKDOWN TOGETHER AND ARE
LOOKING FOR A VALENTINE'S DAY TREAT THAT SAYS, "YEAH, THIS IS
FINE."
( LAUGHTER ) HERE'S A LITTLE TASK FOR THE
BAND.
YOU ARE MODERATELY MUSICAL.
( LAUGHTER ) WHAT SONGS SHOULD BE ON A
VALENTINES PLAY LIST?
>> ADORE YOU BY PRINCE.
HOLDING BACK THE TEARS -- OR YEARS FROM SIMPLY RED.
♪ HOLDING BACK THE YEARS ♪ THIS IS GOOD.
SO FAR.
HAGAR.
>> LET'S GET IT ON.
>> James: MARVIN GAY.
IT'S SUCH A GOOD SONG ( HUMMING THE SONG DISTRICT
>> James: I'M NOT LIKE TIM CONSTANTLY PLAYING A GUITAR,
BUT, YEAH, I'VE GOT A LITTLE BIT.
( HUMMING GUITAR RIFF ) >> GROVE WASHINGTON, JR., JUST
THE TWO OF US.
>> James: YOU CAN'T PLAY JUST THE TWO OF US IN GUILLERMO'
HOUSE.
IT'S NEVER JUST THE TWO OF THEM.
( LAUGHTER ) ♪ JUST THE NINE OF US ♪
( LAUGHTER )