WELCOME, WELCOME ONE AND ALL, IN HERE, OUT THERE, MR. AND
MRS. AMERICA, ALL THE STHIPS AT SEA, TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
JON, WE MADE IT.
>> Jon: YUP.
>> Stephen: HAPPY FRIDAY.
>> Jon: FRIDAY!
>> Stephen: HAPPY FRIDAY TO EVERYBODY.
I WOKE UP TODAY THINKING, IS IT STILL THURSDAY?
( LAUGHTER )
HOPE YOU ALL HAVE WEEKEND PLANS.
JOE BIDEN CERTAINLY DOES, BECAUSE TOMORROW IS HIS
BIRTHDAY.
SO--
THERE YOU GO.
SO, IF YOU SEE HIM, BE SURE TO SING "HAPPY BIRTHDAY."
BUT LEAVE OFF THE ♪ HOW OLD ARE YOU NOW ♪
JUST DON'T ASK.
JOE HASN'T BLOWN OUT THE CANDLES YET, BUT I'M PRETTY SURE I KNOW
HIS WISH: BETTER POLL NUMBERS
AND OF COURSE, MORE WISHES.
ALWAYS WISH FOR MORE WISHES.
THAT'S HOW I GOT THIS GIG.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
I DON'T THINK-- HERE'S THE THING--
( APPLAUSE )
CREDIT FOR THE THINGS HE DOES ACCOMPLISH.
CASE IN POINT: LOOK AT THIS HEADLINE ABOUT HIS
INFRASTRUCTURE BILL FROM CNN: "AMERICANS AREN'T FEELING RELIEF
FROM BIDEN'S BIG WASHINGTON VICTORY."
HE SIGNED THE INFRASTRUCTURE BILL ON MONDAY!
IT'S FRIDAY.
THIS IS WHAT THE INTERNET SHOPPING HAS DONE TO US.
( AS IMPATIENT CUSTOMER )
SUSPENSION BRIDGE, AND IT HAS NOT ARRIVED YET.
I CLICKED TWO-DAY DELIVERY!
CAN I SPEAK TO AMERICA'S MANAGER, PLEASE?
GO GET AMERICA'S MANAGER, PLEASE.
I'LL WAIT."
( APPLAUSE )
NO, I'M RECORDING YOU RIGHT NOW."
( LAUGHTER )
BIRTHDAY, BIDEN MET UP WITH TWO OF HIS PALS, MEXICAN PRESIDENT
AND BANK MANAGER TELLING YOUR GRANDMA, "BUT HOW COULD A YOUNG
LADY LIKE YOU NEED A RETIREMENT ACCOUNT?" ANDRES MANUEL LOPEZ
OBRADOR; AND CANADIAN PRIME MINISTER AND POETRY PROFESSOR
WHO SWEARS HIS NEW BEARD HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH HIS DIVORCE,
JUSTIN TRUDEAU.
YESTERDAY, THE THREE NORTH AMERICAN LEADERS GOT TOGETHER
FOR A MEETING THAT'S INFORMALLY CALLED, "THE THREE AMIGOS
SUMMIT" SLIGHTLY QUESTIONABLE AS A NAME.
IMPORTANT THAN TRUDEAU'S SUGGESTION, MENAGE A TROIS.
THEY HAVE TO DO IT IN FRENCH AND ENGLISH.
THE THREE LEADERS ADDRESSED A SERIES OF ISSUES THAT HAVE
CAUSED TENSION AMONG NEIGHBORS, SPECIFICALLY, THE SHAWN
MENDES-CAMILLA CABELLO BREAKUP.
LOT TO NEGOTIATE THERE.
WE'RE ALL UPSET.
HE'S CANADIAN.
SHE'S AMERICAN.
WHICH NATION GETS CUSTODY OF HIS ABS?
IT MAY BE JOE BIDEN'S BIRTHDAY, BUT HE'S THE ONE GIVING OUT ALL
THE GIFTS, BECAUSE YOU MAY REMEMBER THAT PFIZER, THE
PHARMACEUTICAL COMPANY, HAS A NEW PILL THAT THEY SAY CAN
REDUCE HOSPITALIZATIONS FROM COVID BY 89%.
WELL, NOW THE BIDEN ADMINISTRATION HAS BOUGHT ENOUGH
PILLS FOR 10 MILLION PEOPLE.
( AS BIDEN )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
"THAT'S RIGHT.
I'M THE CANDY MAN!
UNCLE JOE HERE IS YOUR COVID PEZ DISPENSER!
JUST TILT MY HEAD BACK, THEY COME OUT MY NECK!"
( LAUGHTER )
IT'S A DISTURBING IMAGE.
( APPLAUSE )
WITH THIS PILL: IT ONLY WORKS IF YOU TAKE IT.
AND THE PEOPLE WHO WILL NEED TO TAKE IT, BY AND LARGE, ARE
ANTI-VAXXERS.
SO, THE ADMINISTRATION IS GETTING AHEAD OF CONSPIRACY
THEORIES BY RENAMING IT DR. LINDELL'S MAGICAL HORSE ELIXER!
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
NOW WITH ANTI-5G FLAVOR CRYSTALS!
GUARANTEED TO KEEP YOUR COUSIN'S FRIEND'S BALLS EXACTLY THE SAME
SIZE YOU KNOW AND LOVE!
THE ADMINISTRATION IS ALSO HANDING OUT VACCINES TO KIDS,
AND THAT'S GOING BETTER THAN ANYONE EXPECTED.
IN FACT, NEARLY 1 IN 10 YOUNGER U.S. CHILDREN GOT A CORONAVIRUS
SHOT IN THE FIRST TWO WEEKS OF VACCINE ELIGIBILITY, WHICH
REPRESENTS--
THAT'S RIGHT, I AGREE.
WHICH REPRESENTS A FASTER UPTAKE THAN WHEN ADULTS WERE INITIALLY
OFFERED CORONAVIRUS VACCINE SHOTS.
WELL, THAT MAKES SENSE.
KIDS AREN'T ON FACEBOOK.
YOU TELL THEM THE VACCINE WILL MAKE THEM MAGNETIC, THEY'RE LIKE
"AWESOME!
MOM CAN USE ME TO PUT MY DRAWINGS UP ON THE FRIDGE!"
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THAT'S THE FRIDGE.
THAT'S THE FRIDGE RIGHT THERE.
I'M A CHILD.
NOW, NOT EVERYONE IS EXCITED ABOUT VACCINATING CHILDREN.
CONSERVATIVES ARE STILL UPSET THAT "SESAME STREET'S" BIG BIRD
TWEETED THAT HE RECEIVED HIS COVID-19 VACCINE.
HE GOT HIS SHOTS FROM THE COUNT.
( AS COUNT )
THREE BOOSTERS!
AH-HA-HA-HA!"
WHERE'S MY LIGHTNING?
WHERE'S MY LIGHTNING!
ONE OF THE GUYS WHO'S MOST "MUPSET" IS CONSERVATIVE PASTOR
AND PRISON TALENT SHOW HYPNOTIST, MARIO MURILLO.
MURILLO SAID THIS ABOUT BIG BIRD PROMOTING THE VAX:
>> THIS IS THE MOST DEMONIC THING I'VE SEEN IN A LONG TIME.
>> Stephen: (AS PREACHER) "REPENT!
FOR LO, I SAW A BEAST RISE UP OUT OF THE SEA: AN EIGHT-FOOT
TALL CANARY ON ROLLER SKATES WHO TAUGHT ME MY LETTERS AND HOW TO
SHARE MY TOYS!
IT'S THE WORK OF THE DEVIL."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
IT'S A-- WHAT'S CRAZY ABOUT THIS IS THAT
BIG BIRD PROMOTING VACCINES IS NOTHING NEW.
BACK IN 1972, BIG BIRD WAS TELLING KIDS, "DON'T WAIT,
VACCINATE."
BUT HEY, WHAT I DO KNOW?
MAYBE THE SHOW HAS CHANGED SINCE THE '70s.
IS "SESAME STREET" SOME KIND OF HELL-HOLE?
LET'S CHECK IN ON TODAY'S EPISODE!
♪ THESE ARE THE HEROES IN YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD
♪ IN YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD IN YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD
>> Stephen: I KNOW THAT GUY.
JON!
JON BATISTE.
>> Jon: THAT'S RIGHT.
JON, TELL ME, YOU WERE OVER THERE?
WHAT'S IT LIKE OVER THERE?
IS IT FULL OF HELLSPAWN?
>> Jon: WELL, STEPHEN, "D" IS FOR DEFINITELY NOT, AND DON'T
DARE CALL BIG BIRD A DEMON, DOOFUS.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU, JON.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
MESSAGE HAS TO BE SENT.
>> Jon: I DON'T LIKE THAT.
BIG BIRD IS MY BOY.
>> Stephen: THERE'S A LOT TO FEEL HOPEFUL ABOUT RIGHT NOW.
KIDS ARE GETTING VAXED, IT'S BEEN A BEAUTIFUL FALL WEEK HERE
IN NEW YORK CITY.
( APPLAUSE )
ARE LOOKING UP.
SO, WHAT ELSE IS GOING ON IN THE NEWS?
OH, IN MARYLAND, THEY'VE FOUND A CASE OF RARE, CONTAGIOUS
MONKEYPOX!
MONKEYPOX IS A PRETTY RARE DISEASE BUT IT SPREADS EASILY
BECAUSE IT'S SPREAD THROUGH LARGE RESPIRATORY DROPLETS.
THAT MEANS IT'S AIRBORNE.
I AM TOLD WE HAVE FOOTAGE OF THE MONKEYPOX SPREADING.
>> FLY!
FLY!
>> Stephen: NOW, BEFORE YOU GET OUT THE LYSOL AND START WIPING
DOWN YOUR MONKEY--
>> Stephen: YOU SHOULD KNOW, ALTHOUGH MONKEYPOX IS IN THE
SAME FAMILY OF VIRUSES AS SMALLPOX, IT CAUSES MILDER
SYMPTOMS.
OKAY.
SO, IT'S SCARY, BUT IT'S NO SMALLPOX.
IN OTHER NEWS, WORKERS IN A PENNSYLVANIA LAB DISCOVERED
FROZEN VIALS MARKED "SMALLPOX."
HEY!
NO SMALLPOX UNTIL YOU'VE FINISHED YOUR MONKEYPOX.
( LAUGHTER )
DEADLY CONTAGION WERE FOUND WHILE CLEANING OUT A FREEZER.
OH, BEEN THERE: IT'S LATE, YOU'RE DIGGING AROUND IN THE
FREEZER FOR A TREAT, AND ALL YOU CAN FIND IS AN EXPIRED
HUNGRYMAN, AN OLD CHICKEN BURGER, AND A BIOLOGICAL WEAPON.
JUST THROW IT OUT!
YOU'RE NEVER GOING TO MAKE A CHICKEN BURGER!
( LAUGHTER )
LEAST THE WORLD'S SAFE FROM A SWARMS OF CANNIBAL CRABS.
WHAT'S THAT?
50 MILLION CANNIBAL CRABS HAVE DESCENDED ON AUSTRALIA.
WHICH, GIVEN WHAT I KNOW ABOUT AUSTRALIA, IS A LOT OF CANNIBAL
CRABS?
( LAUGHTER )
AN PERFECT AMOUNT OF CANNIBAL CRABS?
AUSTRALIA IS TERRIFYING.
THERE ARE SO MANY CRABS, THEY'VE ACTUALLY SHUT DOWN ROADS.
LET'S SEE.
HOLY CRABFEST FOR A LIMITED TIME AT RED LOBSTER!
( LAUGHTER )
QUESTIONS, LIKE "AHHHHH!" AND "CRAAABS!"
BUT THIS CROWD OF CRABS IS PERFECTLY NORMAL.
THEY'RE HEADING TO THE OCEAN TO MATE AND SPAWN.
BUT THE CRABS' CANNIBAL SIDE COMES OUT WHEN BABIES RETURNING
FROM THEIR FIRST OCEAN MIGRATION ARE FEASTED ON BY ADULTS AS PART
OF THEIR DIET.
OH, SO, IT'S A FORM OF BIRTH CONTROL.
WHICH MAKES SENSE.
IF YOU'RE A CRAB USING THOSE CLAWS TO PUT ON A CONDOM IS
PRETTY AWKWARD.
"HANG ON, DIANE."
( APPLAUSE )
THIS CRISIS: THE AUSTRALIAN AIR FORCE NEEDS TO CARPET BOMB
THESE CRABS WITH OLD BAY SEASONING AND DROP ME IN THERE
WITH A SUPERSOAKER LOADED WITH DRAWN BUTTER, A BIB, AND A
TINY HAMMER.
THAT ROAD WILL BE CLEAN BY MONDAY.
( APPLAUSE )
TONIGHT.
MY GUEST IS KEVIN HART.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, IT'S "MEANWHILE."
IT'S "MEANWHILE."
♪ ♪ ♪