>>> THE NATIONAL ASSOCIATION FOR THE ADVANCEMENT OF COLORED
PEOPLE HAS ISSUED ITS FIRST-EVER TRAVEL ADVISORY WARNING FOR
PEOPLE OF COLOR OF DISCRIMINATION MISSOURI.
FIRST OF ALL, NAACP, STOP CALLING US COLORED PEOPLE.
[ LAUGHTER ] WE PICKED A COLOR A LONG TIME
AGO, IT'S BLACK, OKAY? SECOND, NOBODY'S GOING TO
MISSOURI BECAUSE THEY WANT TO. IT'S NOT CANCUN.
IT'S THE SHOW-ME STATE. AS IN, "HEY, BROTHER, CAN YOU
SHOW ME HOW TO GET TO CHICAGO?" [ LAUGHTER ]
>> LEGENDARY COOK BOOK EDITOR JUDITH JONES DIED AT THE AGE OF
93. SHE'LL BE BURIED AT 350 DEGREES
FOR 30 MINUTES. [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
[ AUDIENCE REACTS ] >>> POLICE IN NORTH CAROLINA ARE
SEARCHING FOR A WOMAN WHO ROBBED A SPRINT STORE.
THE WOMAN WAS ABLE TO BREAK IN BECAUSE EVEN THE SECURITY GATE
AT SPRINT ONLY HAS TWO BARS. [ LAUGHTER ]
>>> L.L. COOL J. WILL BECOME THE FIRST RAPPER EVER TO RECEIVE A
KENNEDY CENTER HONOR LATER THIS YEAR.
NOT COUNTING THE ONE YEAR THE HONOR WENT TO OLD DIRTY BASTARD.
[ AUDIENCE REACTS ] >> WELL, IT'S AUGUST AND A LOT
OF PEOPLE ARE STILL WORKING ON THEIR BEACH BODIES.
HERE TO COMMENT ON THAT IS ONE PERSON WHO'S BEEN WORKING OUT,
OUR OWN LESLIE JONES. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> HEY! WHOO!
WHAT'S UP? HOW YOU DOING, BABY?
>> IT'S GREAT TO SEE YOU, LESLIE.
CAN I JUST SAY, YOU LOOK GREAT. >> I BELIEVE THE WORDS YOU ARE
LOOKING FOR IS "DAMN GIRL, YOU GOT THEM MICHELLE OBAMA ARMS."
GET YOUR WALLET OUT, BY TICKETS TO THE GUN SHOW!
GUN SHOW, KISS IT! KISS IT!
KISS IT WITH YOUR PRETTY MOUTH! YEAH!
I JUST SHOWED YOU WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN TO YOU WHEN YOU GO TO
JAIL, COLIN. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> WHEN I GO TO JAIL? >> YES.
>> LESLIE, IT SEEMS LIKE YOU REALLY ENJOY GETTING INTO SHAPE.
>> YES, I LOVE WORKING OUT. BUT I DO NOT LIKE GOING TO THE
GYM, OKAY? THERE WAS THIS ONE GIRL AT THE
GYM IN THESE BIG ASS POOFY SHORTS NOW I DON'T HAVE TO TELL
Y'ALL THAT SHE WAS WHITE. [ LAUGHTER ]
THIS WHORE OF BABYLON WENT UP TO THE WATER UP TO THE WATER THAT I
DRINK FROM AND STARTED SPLASHING WATER IN HER SWEATY ASS ARMPITS.
THAT'S NASTY! THAT'S WORSE THAN BEING IN A
SWIMMING POOL FULL OF BOOTY WATER.
>> SORRY, WHAT IS BOOTY WATER? >> LET ME EXPLAIN SOMETHING TO
YOU, YOU SEXY ASS WHITE-WALKER. WHEN YOU'RE IN A POOL, YOU DON'T
KNOW HOW YOUR BOOTY IS GOING TO REACT SUBMERGED IN WATER.
OKAY? YOU DON'T KNOW IF YOU GOT LOOSE
AIR POCKETS THAT NEED TO COME OUT.
YOU DON'T KNOW HOW YOUR BUTT HOLE IS GOING TO REACT TO ALL
THE PRESSURE OF THE WATER UP AGAINST IT.
SO EVENTUALLY, BOOTY PLUS WATER EQUALS BOOTY WATER.
[ LAUGHTER ] [ APPLAUSE ]
>> YEAH, I MEAN, YOU CAN'T ARGUE WITH MATH.
>> NOPE. >> IF WE COULD ALSO JUST GET
BACK TO EXERCISING. IT SEEMS PEOPLE ONLINE GET VERY
INSPIRED BY YOU. >> YES, PEOPLE TELL ME ALL THE
TIME BECAUSE I POST MY WORKOUT VIDEOS ON SOCIAL MEDIA AND I GOT
ONE THING TO SAY TO ALL OF Y'ALL.
I'M NOT DOING IT FOR Y'ALL, I'M DOING IT FOR ME.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] I'M 49 YEARS OLD AND I WANT TO
LOOK FINE ONE MORE TIME BEFORE I DIE, OKAY?
I WANT TO LOOK LIKE PAM GRIER WHEN SHE WAS IN "FOXY BROWN."
AS A MATTER OF FACT, I WANT TO LOOK FINE EVEN AFTER I DIE, YOU
KNOW WHAT I MEAN? I WANT THE DUDE AT THE MORTUARY
TO BE LIKE -- >> OH, NO.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> DAMN.
NOW I'M NOT SAYING HE SHOULD DO ANYTHING, BUT I'M SAYING IT
SHOULD CROSS HIS MIND, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
>> LESLIE JONES, EVERYONE. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> KISS THE ARMS, BABY. >>> WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH
MORE "WEEKEND UPDATE SUMMER EDITION" AFTER THIS COMMERCIAL
BREAK. THANK YOU.