Alright, now, you guys probably didn't know this,
but my wife and I are volunteer firefighters.
And you probably didn't know that, because, well...
we didn't even know it ourselves.
That is until we found out a few weeks ago,
when we had our idiot neighbor light his backyard on fire.
Now, how did this whole thing happen?
Well, the night started off normal enough:
my wife and I are eating a late dinner,
and not that it matters, but it was a particularly good barbecue dinner,
very yummy, very scrumptious.
All of a sudden we hear the boys storming down the stairs like wild animals.
They burst into the kitchen, like,
"Holy smokes, holy smokes!"
"Do you guys really have to pound down the stairs,
like there's a fire or something?"
"But there is a fire! Look out the window!"
"I don't care if there's a fire, you don't pound down the stairs--
Wait a minute, what did you say?
There's a fire? There really is a fire?"
We look out the window, and sure as shit,
we see what looks to be like the fucking apocalypse
happening in our neighbor's backyard.
"Holy hot dogs on a stick, there's a whole fire out there!"
"Oh God, are we being attacked?
Is it the North Koreans?"
"Alright, everybody, just stay in the house, don't open the door,
and most importantly,
don't let the dog get on the table and eat our barbecue.
We'll be right back!"
So we sprint out there in a panic,
and we quickly find out,
that yes, indeed, our neighbor's backyard is ablaze.
So we start yelling out to see if anybody's out there.
"Uh, hello? Anybody home? You, uh... Have a situation at hand..."
"HEY YOU STUPID FUCKS, YOUR BACKYARD IS ON FIRE!"
But we get no response back, of course.
So now, apparently, this whole ordeal is our responsibility.
Now, I don't know anything about this neighbor of ours,
except that he lives behind us,
and he likes to get drunk and have campfires late at night,
while he listens to shitty music at a semi-reasonable volume.
So we can only assume that he's passed out on the couch right now,
totally oblivious to what's going on in his backyard.
Or, you know, he might be the fucking thing that's on fire in the backyard.
Who's to say at this point.
So I run to get the fire extinguisher, while my wife calls the fire department.
"Hello, 911? The world is burning!"
I'm in the house, trying to remember where the hell we keep the fire extinguisher.
Which, side note, I have to say, in the closet,
behind the dog food
and underneath a bunch of bullshit,
is a terrible place to keep it.
But I grab it and sprint across the backyard, like...
Well, like the fucking backyard's on fire.
The whole time that shitty Chad Kroeger song from Spider-Man
is playing over and over again in my head.
♪ And they say ♪ ♪ That a hero can save us ♪
♪ I'm not gonna stand here and wait-haa ♪
I get to my neighbor's backyard,
and up close and personal I have to say
that this fire is a little bit more than I bargained for.
I mean, look at this shit, I'm supposed to deal with this?
Where's the fucking Mighty Morphin Power Rangers
when you need them?
"What the fuck?!"
So I let loose the fire extinguisher.
*
*P
*PS
*PSH
*PSHH
*PSHHH
*PSHHHH
*PSHHHHH
*PSHHHHHH
*PSHHHHHHH
*PSHHHHHHHH
*PSHHHHHHHH!
*PSHHHHHHHH!*
And of course, it doesn't do shit.
For the most part it just gives the fire a little fucking tickle.
*
*P
*PS
*PSH
*PSHH
*PSHHH
*PSHHHH
*PSHHHHH
*PSHHHHHH
*PSHHHHHH!
*PSHHHHHH!*
*HA-HA-HA!*
The whole time the kids are watching this through the window,
wondering which foreign power just carpet bombed our whole neighborhood.
Meanwhile the fucking dog's annihilating our unattended barbecue.
Well, now the fire is starting to spread to our backyard,
which is bad news, because our pool is right there.
And surrounding our pool is our old-ass piece of shit deck,
that's made out of like, fucking pirate ship wood, for Christ's sake.
That thing's gonna get lit up faster, than aunt Carol on Thanksgiving.
We better come up with a plan B, and we better do it quick.
And that's when I think, "Oh yeah, the pool!
I can just drain the water out of the pool,
and point the exhaust hose right at the fire, that's brilliant.
But there's only one problem:
and that is that the day prior
I fucking drained all the water out of the pool for the winter.
"Ah, that's a nice dry pool!
I'm sure this won't come back to bite me in the ass several hours later."
Well, shit, alright, onto plan C!
We're gonna have to use the garden hose on the side of the house.
That's just gonna have to do,
except there's another problem:
and that is after I drained the pool yesterday,
I fucking stored the hose in the shed for the winter as well!
(whistling)
"Oh, God damn it, what a perfect asshole I am!"
So I take the hose out of the shed and scamper back,
Chad Kroeger is still ringing in my ears and shit.
♪ I hold onto the wings of eagles ♪
♪ This fucking song blows a-a-a-as-s-s-s-s ♪
I fling the hose to my wife, while I hook it up to the spigot.
And of course, the hose is just not quite long enough to reach the flames.
My wife's doing fucking back bends and shit,
trying to arc the stream as far as possible.
"Is it working now?!"
"Uh, no, still not quite far enough...
Holy hell! What are you, the fucking exorcist?"
So, running out of options at this point,
I decide to fucking tap dance the fire out as best as I can.
Finally, the fire department shows up just in time.
"Whoa, what the...
What is he, fucking riverdancing, what the hell?!"
And thankfully, they were able to put the fire out pretty quickly
with their big-ass super soaker hose.
And it's only then that our drunk-ass neighbor finally makes it outside.
"Hey, what's all this hullabaloo going on out here?"
"You fucking almost burned down the whole neighborhood, you drunk maniac!"
So, upon further inspection,
apparently, the neighbor's stack of firewood caught on fire.
Now, how that caught on fire, we don't know.
Because our asshole neighbor denied having anything to do with it.
"Uh, Sir, did you have a campfire tonight?"
"Uh, I don't know, I don't think so."
"Sir, is this your pile of empty beer cans and idling flamethrower?"
"Uh, no. Absolutely not!"
So all in all it was a pretty shitty night to say the least.
We found out we're subpar volunteer firefighters,
that fucking Chad Kroger song is still ringing in my head to this day.
And the worst part of it all,
we fucking lost out on our good-ass barbecue.
"What are you looking at me for?
What, I thought you guys were dead in the fire.
Was I supposed to just leave it there?!"
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