You know, most comics are always
talking about how much they hated
high school.
Not me, buddy.
I loved high school.
High school was the best time
of my life.
I played high school football.
I loved football.
Utah's a football state.
You all got a university
at every exit.
(audience laughing)
Y'all are the most educated people
I've ever seen in my life.
(audience laughing)
white belly,
No matter where I got off,
it was a university.
(audience laughing)
I love football.
Ain't much on college football.
Well, I like college football.
I don't care for the pros one bit.
But I love high school football.
Because see I played high school
football from '72 to '80, best eight
years of my life.
(audience laughing)
and mustache too.
It's called Just For Bros Beard
Most of y'all got that joke.
God bless you all.
That's amazing.
Most of you all got that.
I'm so proud of you.
Went to high school
from '72 to '80s.
Matter of fact, I made team captain
all three senior years.
(audience laughing)
You laugh if you want to,
that's pretty good.
My third senior year, I was not only
team--
I was not only team captain
I was assistant coach.
(audience laughing)
You don't see a lot of player
coaches in high school, do you?
You just don't see that.
(audience laughing)
So during the pandemic,
And it ain't like now.
They just passed a law in North
Carolina, stupidest law I've ever
heard in my life,
that a kid has to play--
has to play-- if he's going to play
a high school sport,
he has to pass his grade
and attend school.
(audience laughing)
Do people have that here?
Are you kidding me?
How are we ever going to compete
with the SCC in Alabama
if the kid actually has to go
to school?
(audience cheering)
I played ball with guys
never even went to school,
just showed up for practice.
No, you got to go to school
and attend class.
(audience laughing)
I never forget my third senior year,
I was team captain we were playing
a big boys school in Raleigh called
Garner.
We were a little 2A school,
a little farming community.
And we were all big boys,
all twisted steel sex appeal.
We're up in this town
(audience laughing)
in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan.
And it had all these giant hills.
And every time we'd play them
big boys schools in Raleigh,
we'd beat them like a red headed
stepchild.
Yeah!
Of course, I mean we should.
Most of us was 26, 27 years old.
I mean if you can't beat a 15,
16-year-old,
I mean what good are you?
You're a grown man.
(audience laughing)
It went, poof.
One night we played Garner.
Garner had an all state running
back, went to Clemson
on a full scholarship.
And that boy was good
but he was coming up the middle
and he won't run in on me.
I played nose tackle,
middle linebacker.
He tried to come up the middle.
Bam!
I'd eat his lunch, take him out.
After quite a few plays of me giving
him negative yardage,
he got tired of that.
Threw a quick pitch.
He caught in a run and he's running
down the sideline.
And there's three of us chasing him.
As he's running down the sideline
with his quick pitch, three of us
chasing him
and we're ready to tackle him,
we look, there's a 10-year-old kid
running up the sideline going,
"tackle him, Daddy.
"Tackle him, Daddy!"
(audience laughing)
Let me tell y'all something.
You and your kid ride the same bus,
that's something special right there.
(audience laughing)
People ask me all the time,
were you funny in high school?
Not really.
I was a pretty intense young man.
And I was a big kid in high school.
Matter of fact, I've been a big man
all my life.
When I was in eighth grade, brother,
I was six foot 190 pounds
in eighth grade.
Of course I was 18 at the time.
(audience laughing)
I was dating a teacher driving
the school bus.
(audience laughing)
Back when it was OK to date
a teacher.
Some of you all are old enough
to remember that, don't you?
Man, if I ain't dated Miss Docher
I'd have never got out
of high school.
(audience laughing)
I picked up all our stuff.
She was only two years older
than me. Come on.
(audience laughing)
about camping.
It's always kinda late.
You're always hungry.
I do remember my 3rd seniod year,
we were playing Walter Easton
this guy that we played
against for five or six years.
And coach, we were
in the defensive huddle.
And the coach went, "boys!
"Walter's bigger, faster, meaner,
"tougher, and a better athlete
"than anybody on this team.
"But by golly, you all are better
"coached than he is.
"And we got to attack Walter's
"weakness."
Now Walter was six foot tall, 220
pound, run about a four-six 40
and looked like a piece of stove
wood.
There weren't a weakness on him.
And I'm standing down in the huddle
like this.
He said, "We're going to attack
"Walter's weakness."
And before I could stop myself,
I said, hey, Coach.
I heard he's pretty bad in geometry.
(audience laughing)
Maybe if we throw a Pythagorean
theorem at him, we can trip him up
before he crosses the goal line.
(audience laughing)
And back then a coach could put
his hands on you.
And he grabbed me by the face mask,
jerked me off the ground.
And he had just finished smoking
a Marlboro.
And went, "boy!"
And all this smoke just filtered
into my helmet.
(audience laughing)
Of course, I hadn't had none
in about three hours, so I went,
(inhale)
(audience laughing)
Because I am from North Carolina
where tobacco is
considered a vegetable.
(audience laughing)
Oh, we have two towns
named Winston and Salem.
(audience laughing)
He said, "run till you die,
"Mr. Smart Aleck."
And I ran till I puked.
And he'd come over there
and he jerked me up and said,
"let me tell you something, boy.
"Shoot your mouth off
"in my huddle one more time,
"I dare you.
"I double dog dare you.
"Just say one more thing
"funny in my huddle.
"Next time I'll run you til you die."
That's got to be the funniest thing
I ever heard in my life.
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
It was pretty bad geometry, though,
Pythagorean theorem, which is pretty
good because I didn't even know what
a Pythagorean theorem was.
(audience laughing)
That's a great laugh.
She knows what
a Pythagorean theorem is.
(audience laughing)