This is a phone.
A smart phone.
And it’s smaller than a television remote.
It’s as light as a book.
It fits in your pocket and you take it everywhere.
And we take it everywhere…because we depend on it for everything.
I mean, it’s not just how we send messages and make calls—it’s so much more than
that.
It wakes us up, and tells us to wear a coat.
It keeps track of our meetings, and reminds us to go to them.
It captures all the most important moments in our lives…and even more than that.
It’s our copilot; our DJ; our checkbook; our bus schedule; our drawing pad…and our
own personal trainer, bank teller, travel agent, talk show host…I mean, it’s incredible
how much these things do.
And how many other things they’ve replaced in our lives.
Things like…
Well, things like this.
So it was 1991.
And if you’re too young to know what 1991 was like, I’ll tell you.
If we had a homework assignment that required research, we had to go to a library…and
read these things called “books.”
They were arranged by a madman named Dewey, who had an obsession with decimals and a stranglehold
on the entire process.
And if you had an essay to write?
Yeah, you did that on paper.
With something called a “pencil.”
And if you weren’t sure of an equation, or how to spell a word…you needed a calculator
and a dictionary.
Of course, now…well, these are those.
But even back then, there were options.
Nothing as mainstream as a smart phone, or as efficient…but options nonetheless.
There was early, clunky, 1990s personal technology.
There was the InfoGenius Productivity Pak.
So the Game Boy actually has an entire InfoGenius line.
I mean, they released translators, personal assistants, all kinds of stuff.
And looking back, it’s actually kind of interesting.
It really shows you that…people have tried to put this stuff on handhelds for a long
time.
You see it on the original DS, which has a built-in clock and a calendar…I mean, even
Tiger’s game.com.
That thing had an address book, and a calculator…
I guess that way, you could calculate how much money you wasted on it…and then call
your friends, and warn them not to do the same.
The game.com didn’t work, you big idiot.
And this stuff never really works on gaming devices.
But at least with this, I can see the argument.
In 1991, this actually might’ve been useful…
So what is it?
Well, uh, it’s a calculator and a spell checker.
The calculator calculates, the checker checks.
I had fun just f*cking with it, and trying made-up words.
Like, placenturd, that’s not a real thing.
Although I can only imagine if it was.
Oh, and then I tried to spell check disestablishmentarianism, but it wouldn’t fit.
That’s too many characters.
Ha, I think we all know why…
Anti-taco legislation.
Combined with the giblets…from a monkey.
I also tried to spell check Emma Watson, and it suggested emanation.
Which is fitting, ‘cause she definitely emanates.
Lots of things.
Which makes me emanate, other things.
Of course, unless you’re a dick, and you’re just treating it like a teenage boy…there’s
not a whole lot of purpose left in this thing.
It’s been made obsolete.
In fact, it probably wasn’t very “solete” back in 1991, either.
“Solete” meaning the state of being not obsolete.
Look that up, homeslice.
With your InfoGenius Productivity Pak, you f*cking nerd.
But in all honesty, I really do think it’s interesting that, like…this is something
that, within my lifetime, someone thought was necessary.
And I mean, I’m old, but…I’m not that old.
That’s how much technology has evolved over the years.
Let alone the last six years, when these things started coming out.
Now, I use this damn thing for everything.
In 1991, they used this.
They also had Arise, Human and the Black Album that year.
So.
I guess it all evens out.
Big thanks to Mary from Westbrook, Maine, for sending us her InfoGenius Productivity
Pak: Spell Checker and Calculator.
Hopefully, you’re not lost without it, Mary.
Might actually have to go to library.
Beware of Dewey!