Some things,
I used to wanna be a actor too but
that got messed up for me too.
I really wanted to be a actor.
Like I watched Denzel growing up.
And Sheryl Streep,
all them.
Halle Berry.
The thing I love about actors
is they make you feel like
it's real.
Like you really in the moment.
That's what makes them great actors.
And I respect 'em.
Jamie Foxx, Samuel L. Jackson,
one of my favorite ones but
I had to stop supporting him.
I loved Samuel L. Jackson in
Pulp Fiction
and The Negotiator
and Jackie Brown.
But I had to stop supporting him
when I saw him in
Snakes on a Plane.
(audience laughing)
I lost all respect for that man.
Snakes on a Plane.
(audience laughing)
You don't look like you get it, bro.
Let me explain this.
You can't have a movie
with black people in it
and snakes
and they're on a plane.
(audience laughing)
That's three elements you'll never see
together in your life.
You might see black people on a plane,
but snakes and they on a plane
and they black?
Don't go together, I'm sorry.
You can't even call the movie
Snakes on a Plane
if all three of those elements
are in the movie like that.
You gotta call it something different.
Instead of Snakes on a Plane,
you gotta call it something like
(screams)
(audience laughing)
On a Plane.
(audience applauding)
I was thinking,
"Wouldn't it be funny
"if you had to say it like that
"each time you mentioned the movie?"
You get to the box office,
"Can I get two tickets to see,
(screams)
"On A Plane?"
(audience laughing)
And the guy in the box office
is just standing there,
"Ma'am, I am so sorry but
(screams)
"On a Plane is sold out."
(audience laughing)
"Well let me get two tickets
"to see Scream."
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
If you didn't appreciate that
or laugh at that,
you should go in the restroom
and drink some hand sanitizer.
I'm sorry, just stick your head
right under the pump.
Just ahh.
"It's delicious.
(audience laughing)
"At the Dry Bar."
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
I appreciate some of y'all.
I like you especially.
He clapped for a while like,
"Yeah, man, I get you."
I get you too.
Appreciate it.
I like the way you dress, too.
You got the nice shirt on him.
I'm trying to wear
clothes that fit me now.
You know?
I'm tired of holding my stomach in.
I'm sorry.
Losing a little weight, you know,
you start feeling proud
when you losing weight.
You start strutting
in front of the mirror.
(audience laughing)
I'm serious,
I be doing my poses and everything.
(audience laughing)
I'ma have this flat stomach
by Christmas, I am.
I wanna rip my shirt off
like they used to do
in the old kung-fu movies.
Remember they'd do that?
They'd get real serious.
You don't watch one of them
old kung-fu flicks?
Sometimes they get romantic
with the lady like,
"Hey,
"Sheryl.
(audience laughing)
"Come here."
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
"Oh you talking to me?
"Huh?"
(audience laughing)
I watched those movies
every weekend, man.
I used to think I could fight
'cause I watched the movies twice.
(audience laughing)
I would watch Kung-Fu Theater,
Chinese Connection,
Enter the Dragon.
Man, I was Bruce Lee at school
every Monday morning.
I'd go to school starting fights.
(audience laughing)
"Hey!
(audience laughing)
"Susan now.
"Is your name Tung Um?
"Huh?
(audience laughing)
"Well then, you see what I say.
"You killed my teacher.
(audience laughing)
"And now,
"I'm going to kill you."
(sinister laugh)
(audience applauding)
Sometimes I walk around all day
doing stuff like that.
I was standing at the gate,
"Hey, what time is the flight?"
(audience laughing)
"Sir, you need to step to the side."
They called the police on me.