Trump versus Mexico.
Last week, the battle over immigration escalated
when Trump threatened to impose tariffs on Mexico,
-and even cancel Taco Tuesdays. -(audience reacts)
It's crazy that the Constitution gives him that power.
But, luckily, over the weekend, this happened.
TV REPORTER: No Monday morning tariffs on Mexico.
After President Trump clinched an 11th-hour immigration deal
for tougher enforcement,
tweeting "There is now going to be great cooperation
between Mexico and the U.S.
TV REPORTER: President Trump announcing
that the U.S. and Mexico reached an agreement,
averting a potential economic crisis.
Yes!
Crisis averted.
Thank you, Trump.
You realize this could have tanked the stock market,
it could have seriously hurt the U.S. economy,
but Trump stopped it from happening.
And, yes, he was the one who caused the crisis to begin with,
but that's not the point.
-That's not the point. Don't hate. -(applause)
That's right. Give it up for Trump.
-Give it up for Trump. Yeah! -(cheers and applause)
That's what I love about this guy.
Anyone can be a good guy. Anyone can be a bad guy.
Not everyone can be both, huh?
Yeah. He's Bruce Willis
and the guys that have taken the building hostage.
That's who he is.
He's the kind of guy who starts the timer on the bomb,
then turns around, is like, "Jesus, this sicko
only gave us three minutes. We got to get out of here."
People are like,
"Why did you set the bomb in the first place?"
"It's called tension, folks."
Now, as part of the new deal,
Trump says that Mexico
is gonna increase troops at the border,
crack down on human smuggling
and throw him that quinceañera that he's been asking for. Yes.
(speaking Spanish)
(laughter)
The point is, the point is Trump made a deal.
The only thing is
it may not actually be a new deal.
Despite President Trump touting the agreement as a "new deal,"
just how new the terms are, well, that's up for debate.
The New York Times reports that Mexico had previously agreed
to deploy its national guard
during high-level secret talks back in March.
Man, you know what? This is just straight-up hating
from The New York Times, huh?
Focusing on when the deal was actually made.
Who cares if Trump's new deal is actually an old deal?
The point is it happened.
"Well, when did it happen?"
New York Times reminds me of my landlord,
always focusing on when I paid the rent.
"Trevor, when are you gonna pay the rent?"
I paid you last month!
What, is this gonna happen every month?
I feel like this is blackmail.
And you know what? Who cares
if Trump is taking an old deal and pretending it's new?
It's what Hollywood has been doing for years, huh?
Aladdin. Pet Sematary. Dumbo.
It always works.
Okay, well, not always works,
'cause one time I pitched my live-action Tetris movie
starring The Rock as the "L" thingy,
and then Steven Spielberg told me
to "get out of his bedroom."
Whatever that means.
Now, the question is, why would Trump cancel his tariffs
if Mexico didn't really give him anything new?
Well, maybe it's because things at home
were getting muy caliente.
The White House faced some pretty stiff resistance
from Republicans as well as business leaders
-on all of this. -Right.
You had Politico reporting
about a closed-door lunch on Tuesday.
You had a couple of Trump administration officials
who tried to lay out the president's view,
but they reportedly only faced brutal pushback from the GOP,
with some threatening that Trump could actually face
a veto-proof majority to overturn the tariffs.
Wow, this is deep.
So, Trump was threatening Mexico,
and Mexico was, in turn, threatening U.S. businesses,
and then U.S. businesses were threatening the GOP,
and then the GOP was threatening Trump.
Goddamn.
He was always gonna lose this.
You never get into a Mexican standoff
with actual Mexicans.
It's too risky.
It's like French-kissing an actual French person.
They will bust the tongue right through the back of your head.
You can't risk that shit.
(laughter and applause)
But before you guys hate on Trump
and say that he didn't get anything major out of this deal,
you're forgetting one thing.
But it's a secret.
NEWSMAN: President Trump now saying
a secret part of the deal still hasn't been announced,
tweeting the U.S. has a fully signed and documented
part of the deal with Mexico
that will be revealed in the not too distant future.
Ooh!
A secret deal.
This is so exciting.
Like, I wonder what it is, huh?
(gasps) What if America is making Mexico the 51st state?
Huh? That could be the new deal.
Be like, "Folks, they can't sneak into the country
"if they're already in the country.
"Problem solved.
"I did it. I did it.
Yeah."
(applause)
I also love how Trump provided zero details about this deal.
Yeah, this is why Trump is a "G," man.
He knows that the best way to entice someone
is to keep it vague.
He probably learned that from R&B singers.
Yeah, 'cause they don't tell you exactly what they do.
They just give it to you like, "Girl,
you know that thing you want? Well, I'm gonna give it to you."
It's like, "What is that?"
"Well, I ain't gonna tell you, girl,
but you gonna find out, and when you do..."
(vocalizing)
"Well, when are you gonna give it to me?"
"Damn, girl, who cares? What are you, my landlord?
Calm down."