(crackling beeps)
- Hello everyone,
my name is Daniel O'Brien.
I am the creative director for Cracked
and the author of two books
about presidents
and how crazy they are,
and true story,
I once wrote an ill-advised article
called 'So You've Kidnapped the President's Daughters',
and the government made us take it
off our website,
sent us a subpoena to get the
information of the people who commented
on that article
and brought me into the
downtown LA office of the Secret Service
for questioning.
And since then,
I get randomly stopped
three out of five times that I fly.
There's a picture you can see.
That's a random TSA search tag
that appears in almost every bag I've
ever checked since I wrote my
light-heartedly treasonous article
about what to do if you've ever
accidentally kidnapped the child
of a sitting president.
I am almost certainly
on at least one list that someone in the
government has to monitor,
and yet I can still vote in every election.
I would like you to,
at this point,
please note my crushingly inescapable whiteness,
as that is almost definitely a factor,
and my now upper-middle class financial standing
which is a million percent a factor.
That's right,
today we're talking about race,
class, sex
and voting rights
and (bleep)ing.
And yes, I included (bleep)ing
to hold your attention,
even though sex won't actually play
a factor into this story but,
holy sex,
let's get a title card in here.
I agree with you that
everything is terrible, everywhere.
And there are moves being made right now
to take away health care
from the people who need it the most.
And we have an unhinged president
who is blowing into the
lint kindling of a small spark
that will bloom into a full-blown forest fire
of increasingly war-like tensions
with North Korea.
But, I believe with every part of me
that the Republican drive to revamp
voter registration laws is
stealthily the most important political
issue of our lifetime.
Sorry
all of the other very important issues,
but this is where I'm planting my flag.
There is a lot of legislation coming out right now
about voting rights
and let's get into them.
Iowa recently passed legislation
that claims to work to fight voter fraud.
For many years,
politicians and lawmakers have
been preaching about the
sheer amount of elections swayed
by the votes of illegal,
unregistered voters.
Nefarious people are sneaking into our country,
so the narrative goes,
to vote in our elections illegally,
to support the candidate of their choice.
Politicians like Kansas' Secretary of State
Kris with a K-yuck Kobach
have been warning us
about this problem for years.
And even our
president
has preached about the threat
of undocumented immigrants who are voting.
It's why he claims today
that he would have won the popular vote
if we didn't count illegal votes.
He brought up the possibility of
widespread voter fraud as potentially the
only reason he could lose the election,
while on the campaign trail.
He cited a study and everything.
- The following comes from a 2014 report
from the Washington Post.
This article was entitled
'Could Non-citizens Decide the November Election?'
- Politicians are now rushing
through a number of bills
that on paper combat voter fraud
and make sure every election is fair
and no longer tainted by illegal voters
trying to sway an election
for their evil purposes.
The problem,
is there is no problem.
Widespread voter fraud isn't,
according to the most recent studies,
a thing.
Documented voter fraud is virtually non-existent.
Widespread voter fraud is literally a non-issue,
and in fact,
that study that President Trump liked
to cite on the campaign trail
that we talked about earlier
A. Has since been debunked.
B. He misquoted it.
And C. It was initially born as a study designed
to investigate specifically why immigrants
who come to America choose not to vote.
True story,
the author of that paper looked around
and discovered that immigrants
and refugees
and other international transplants
by and large choose not to vote in American elections,
made a study about it,
and somehow this is the study
that Republican lawmakers cite when attempting
to stir up fear on the subject
of un-American voter fraud.
So, we know that there hasn't
been an instance of widespread voter fraud
influencing an election in modern politics
because widespread voter fraud isn't a thing,
and most eligible immigrant voters choose not to vote,
let alone ineligible voters.
So why are we even talking about this?
Great question,
convenient rhetorical device,
because here's the important part.
All of the fear-mongering
about massive voter fraud is done
to drum up support for legislation
that is designed to keep certain politicians in power.
Politicians are systematically making
it more difficult for people to vote,
oftentimes using the rationale
that these new laws stop voter fraud.
We now know that this is a politically convenient solution
to a problem that doesn't exist.
Every voter registration law pushed forward
is designed to discourage poor people,
old people and minorities from voting.
Why?
Because when those people vote,
Republicans lose their seats,
so they're trying to change the voting laws
to make sure they keep winning,
and keep their jobs.
And, I know,
Cracked is decidedly a non-partisan entity,
and we have never come out officially
one way or the other for a particular party,
and I don't wanna alienate anyone.
But, we've got two parties,
and one of them is trying to change laws to ensure
they stay in power by making sure people
who disagree with them can't vote.
Undeniably that's what they're doing,
and if anyone out there can drum up
convincing proof that I'm wrong about that,
I will happily make a follow-up video
where I take a heated needle
and carve I was wrong,
progressives like me
and Teddy Roosevelt are liars,
and voter fraud is a huuuge problem
onto the side of my dick,
and yes,
there are seven U's in huge.
Anyone who has ever been systematically
disenfranchised by the system
is suspicious of voting.
And anyone who feels like the
system works for them, isn't.
And Republican lawmakers know this,
so threats to voting rights come in the
form of voter ID requirements,
elimination of same-day voter registration,
cutting short early voting periods
and purging voter rolls.
These measures disproportionately impact low-income voters,
people of color
and seniors.
Republican lawmakers add steps,
they add bureaucracy to voting
because it discourages a huge swath
of people from voting.
This makes voting into a luxury in this country.
I am a well-paid person
working a bull(bleep) job,
which means I'm allowed to say
I'm leaving early,
or I'm coming in late to vote,
or not coming in at all,
and it doesn't matter if I'm there or not
because my job is nonsense.
But since Election Day isn't a national holiday,
thanks Obama,
plus everyone,
the working class of this country need to fit
in voting around their jobs,
and adding bureaucratic steps that take time do nothing
but discourage hard-working Americans from voting.
Today, I can tell my boss
that I'm taking some time to vote,
but 10 years ago,
when I was poor
and waiting tables, I couldn't.
To put it even more simply,
I was not free
and eligible to vote for what minimum wage
should be until a decade after I
was being paid minimum wage,
which in New Jersey at the time was $5.15.
Today, we're trying to make it $15.
Fun stuff.
Hell,
President Trump just launched a committee
to investigate voter fraud that will be headed
by Kris Kobach from before,
who is truly revolting.
He is a racist,
snake-eyed maniac who has dedicated his entire life
to making sure people who don't look like him can't vote.
Every law for voter suppression is based
around adding time, work
and money to voting.
Because Republicans know that
that drives away people who are likely
to vote against them.
It is a proven fact that in modern politics,
when more people show up,
that is to say when it is easier for Americans to vote,
Republicans lose.
When it comes to new legislation,
it is the job of every American to
ask will this help me
and my family?
Or will this help a politician
keep his or her job?
As for right now,
we're in a
perfect storm moment.
We have a president who is so
egotistical, insecure
and sad and lonely
and frumpy,
and he's got a world-class dumper.
Just a giant,
sloppy, sloping,
Play-Doh ass of an ass,
and I can say whatever I want
because I've already been investigated
by the Secret Service,
I have a book called 'How to Fight Presidents',
I don't care,
come at me, eat (bleep).
And in addition to that,
we have a bunch of feckless Republicans
desperately trying to keep their jobs.
The president is a baby
who wants to be told that he won the popular vote,
even if he didn't,
so he wants to change the way we count votes.
And the Republicans see this as an opportunity
to change voting laws to make sure
they keep their jobs forever.
Duplicitous cowards are co-opting
an insecure egotist to silence Americans
to save their jobs.
That's the shortest version I can think of
to tell you what's going on right now.
Here's how to help.
Jason Kander,
who served most recently as Missouri's Secretary of State,
Chief Elections Official,
and also he's like,
funny and good,
we like him,
has launched Let America Vote
to make sure there are political consequences
for those who are trying to make it harder
for eligible voters to cast their ballots.
Before, we could count on the DOJ to fight
these issues in court.
But now that Jefferson Beauregard,
I can't even think
of a more racist fake name to assign to him,
Sessions the (bleep)ing third is in charge,
we can bet that our government
will not be a champion of voting rights any time soon.
Let America Vote is shining a light in areas
where lawmakers don't want it.
Like the
weird back rooms where they make
these deals to restrict voting rights.
You know, those rooms.
We got a room
that's (bleep)ing full of people
who wanna ruin life for the rest of us.
It's like a giant room, it's crazy.
Access to the ballot box underpins every issue,
from healthcare to immigration
to raising the minimum wage,
and we need to make sure it is not stopped
by politicians who are looking to keep their jobs.
Call your representative today
and say hey,
get (bleep)ed.
Or,
nope more constructively,
go to letamericavote.com/join
to find out about how you can get your hands dirty
and stand up for voting rights.
Or the get (bleep)ed option.
Lot of good options on the table,
mostly the second option is the good one.
(guitar strums)
Hey everyone, thanks for watching.
Make sure you click the big C in the middle to subscribe.
Click any of the boxes that have
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Make sure you click on that
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Go to letamericavote.com/join to find
out how you can help,
or purchase my book 'How to Fight Presidents'.
All proceeds will go directly to me,
a voter.
(taps papers)