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-Hey, everybody.
Welcome back to Correctshuns for the week of August 9th.
We missed you guys,
and we're looking forward to getting right into it.
I -- very strange for me,
but I want to start off by apologizing to Donald Trump
for an error I made in this week's Closer Look.
We talked about how when he was a USFL team owner,
the USFL sued the NFL for an antitrust violation,
and they sued for $1.7 million --
or a billion dollars.
I guess it must have been $1.7 billion.
And they received a dollar. They were awarded a dollar.
And we sort of made fun of Donald Trump
for the fact that he was awarded a dollar.
But I made a mistake because in antitrust cases,
damages are tripled.
So in the end, they got $3.
So you are good at business.
I referenced one of my favorite shows, "Hot Ones,"
where people eat hot,
progressively hotter chicken wings
and said no one would do that show twice.
Some people have done it twice.
Steve-O has done it twice, of course.
Eric Andre has done it twice.
So I apologize that I got that wrong.
I also said that as soon as I did "Hot Ones,"
the next interview I did was with Terry Gross at "Fresh Air,"
because I wanted to do an interview
where I wasn't worried that I'd have to excuse myself
because I was gonna [bleep] my pants.
And someone said, "Hey, those are --
you do Terry Gross over the phone,
so you wouldn't have to excuse yourself."
I think even if I was on the phone with someone,
I wouldn't just like, [bleep].
I wouldn't take advantage of the fact
that we were on the phone to be like,
"I'm gonna [bleep] my pants."
But it is true that you do "Fresh Air,"
you do not do "Fresh Air" in person
unless you're Seth [bleep] Meyers, pal.
You guys should just start doing apologies.
Didn't want to hold up an art card, guys,
'cause it's -- we talked about my fingernails.
I don't even want to hold up my hands.
They're bad.
You guys said I have terrible --
I needed a manicure, and I tried really hard over the hiatus
to stop chewing my nails, and it didn't go well.
My goal is to have really beautiful hands,
should we ever hold up,
as Shoemaker calls it, Lady Emmy.
And...
But the one thing I'm not gonna do
is what all my colleagues in the late night field --
I will not use a hand model.
You think when Kimmel holds up an album,
you think those are his hands?
Grow up.
We mentioned the song "Gasolina" and said it was a Pitbull song.
This was before the break,
and it's just been a relentless two weeks
of people telling us it's a Daddy Yankee song.
My favorite phrasing of it was,
"What gringo on your staff thought it was Pitbull?"
Se llama Alex Baze.
[ Speaking in Spanish ]
Pitbull is on a remix of "Gasolina."
And Baize is always about the remixes.
When there's a new remix of a popular song,
we don't even expect to see him in the office.
He loves to take an original
and just remix it and make it better,
unless it's one of his jokes.
We talked about Ronnie Jackson, who was the president's doctor.
Dr. Ronnie is now a congressman.
And we put up a key where he was playing a flute,
and this is another one where a lot of people got to us.
He was holding the flute to the left.
Flutes only go to the right.
I did not know that,
and I don't want to know any more.
I will take your word for it and let's end it there.
I can't believe we've got to put up this graphic again.
This is now a month ago.
We put up a graphic of me
getting a drive-through appendectomy.
Alex, can we put it up real quick?
And originally, first thing we heard was,
that's not where the appendectomy scar was.
The next thing we heard was, you should be wearing a mask.
Next thing we heard was, you're driving the wrong way
through the drive-through, based on the arrow.
And then finally someone said, "Why do you have a guitar?"
And like, we've talked about this,
that the graphics team, they like to get in trouble.
They're just like, little stinkers.
And I heard this and I went down.
I'm like, "Why did you guys put a guitar in there?
You know, I don't play guitar, right?"
And they were like, "Yeah, we know."
I was like, "Also, did you know flutes only go to the right?"
"Uh-huh."
Talked about that if Trump -- this is based on the whole
Four Seasons Hotel and Four Seasons landscaping.
We had a joke, if Trump told Rudy
to do something at a Waldorf Astoria,
he would do it at a Walmart in Astoria.
There's no Walmart in Astoria.
I wrote that joke. I checked.
I saw, I knew there was no Walmart in Astoria.
Still told it.
Knitting.
We talked about a grandmother saying,
"Hey, it's knitting time.
Put down that 'Grand Theft Auto'
and help me crochet this blanket."
Well, knitting and crocheting are two very different things,
I've been told.
And I want to read a comment someone had about it.
I'm not going to read the first sentence.
I'm gonna go back and pick up the first sentence.
Someone wrote,
"Knitting and crocheting are completely different,
and that lady is working a sleeve or a sock.
Definitely not an Afghan. Definitely not crochet.
Sloppy work, guys."
The first sentence was, "Are you [bleep] kidding me?"
Definitely not lining up with my stereotype
of the knitting community.
It's like, watching A Closer Look.
The [bleep]?
Talked about somebody wearing
one of the flying squirrel suits cliff diving.
I was told that would be base diving.
We talked about Jeff Bezos jetting to space,
jetting off to space.
Someone said you don't jet to space, you rocket to space.
And you can [bleep] off to space.
Oh, someone said that, hey, that during a correction,
sometimes I hold my arm like this
and it looks like I'm going to dislocate it,
and that is what I'm trying to do.
I'm trying to like put the discomfort here
to distract from this.
So we have these jackal mugs we've been making.
These are not available in the NBC store,
because NBC hates money.
And so this one, we put up,
and these are just jackal paws that we found online.
Let's look at it real quick again.
I didn't realize they were two different ones.
I guess this is -- that's the front of a jackal,
and that's a back of the jackal.
And nobody commented,
but then this was the updated one,
and then someone said, "Hey, I didn't mind the first time,
but...
that wouldn't be how a jackal would type,
because that would be one front paw and one back paw.
So that would imply that
the jackal's lying on its side typing."
Okay.
I love that someone's like,
"I'll go with you on this for a jackal,
but come on, dude.
That's stupid."
I got to confess, I'm like, ashamed of myself.
Went day drinking with Lorde -- amazing, so much fun,
and then we did these paintings.
We just tried to recreate the cover
of one of her albums in these paintings,
and then we did, on the "Late Night" Twitter account,
basically said, who painted it better?
And Lorde won.
Not like a giant, but like 53% to 47%.
And then I'm deeply ashamed, because then I did a second poll
on the Sea Captain Polls Twitter account,
which I thought would have less Lorde fans.
And I phrased it in a way that I really wanted people
to vote for me, and I did win,
but I won by less than Lorde won in the first vote.
So I just want to say right now, Lorde won fair and square
and I apologize for trying to rig it.
I'm ashamed of myself.
We talked about honey-baked ham stores
and how I park across the street from them,
because I can't believe there are people just walking in
and buying a whole-ass ham.
A couple of things --
one, a lot of people defending honey-baked hams
being delicious,
saying I was out of bounds on that.
But then someone wrote this about whole-ass hams.
"Correction -- technically, whole-ass ham is redundant,
because ham comes from an area of the pig
that could arguably be considered its ass,
and also it would only be a half-ass ham,
because it's only one half of the pig's ass."
That's poetry.
Like, I read that and I was like, this is why.
This is why we do this.
Because someday, you're just gonna be
scrolling, scrolling through you know, a YouTube comment,
and you're gonna read this beautiful sentence.
Two sentences.
Also,
I feel like we're pretty committed to
"Late Night with Seth Meyers," but...
I'd call this show "half-ass ham."
Alright.
I think that's about everything.
And we'll see you guys next week.