I'm a dad.
Where my fathers at?
Fathers make some noise.
Let me hear you in here.
(audience cheering)
Yeah.
Love being a dad.
I love being a dad.
I've got three kids.
I know.
I know you already know.
Middle school running back.
You understand what's going on
over here.
It's a lot happening.
(audience laughing)
It's a lot going on.
I've got three kids.
I've got a son.
My son is 11.
His name is Mishin.
Smart dude, athletic dude.
He's in a tough phase,
though, right now.
He's in a hard phase right now.
You know you got little boys,
nephews are hanging
around playgrounds.
It is a real issue
because little boys all stink.
I don't know if you know this here.
You understand what I'm saying.
Here's the thing.
I thought he knew how to bathe
himself.
He does not know how
to bathe himself.
I thought he knew.
The other day he comes out
the shower, his hair's wet
but his knees are dry.
And I'm like how!
(audience laughing)
How are you wet and sticky
at the same time?
I don't know.
All the boys smell like chicken
nuggets in a cup of urine.
It's like they're not--
they're not good people.
Like a dying tree, you can't trust them.
(audience laughing)
You can't trust them.
Got two girls.
Two beautiful girls, too.
They're in different phases
right now.
My youngest girl Evergrace.
Woohoo.
She's in a tough phase right now.
She actually just got out
of the potty training phase, which
if you don't know that phase--
that's why I'm here,
if I'm honest with you.
I was like, I can't, I need
a weekend off.
I can't do it.
(audience laughing)
She caught me off guard, too.
I was bathing both of my girls
for financial reasons.
And I take out--
I take out Evergrace, my youngest,
I put her on the bed.
I said, wait for me.
I go to get my oldest girl dressed.
I come back to Evergrace,
and she's just on the bed,
like this.
(audience laughing)
I said, baby, what are you doing?
She was like, "it's too late, daddy."
(audience laughing)
We have to burn the bed.
Are you listening to me in here?
It's not good.
She needs more broccoli in her diet,
that's what I'm trying to tell you.
(audience laughing)
Those tantrums are real, too.
Those tantrums are real.
I thought they were a joke.
I thought that was a sitcom thing.
No, they're real.
They are not a game.
The other day, we're having
breakfast.
She had a little Nutri-Grain bar,
a little breakfast bar.
And half of the bar breaks in half,
she goes, "daddy, my bar broke!"
Like, baby,
I can afford another bar.
I'm at a Ramada Inn in Provo.
I'm doing a good job.
OK.
I'm living well.
(audience laughing)
She takes the bar that she has.
She crumbles it.
Looks me dead in my eyes, and goes,
"it's all or nothing, daddy."
(audience laughing)
That's when I realized,
I'm going to have to bail you out
of jail.
That's when I realized.
And I saw it in her eyes.
I saw it.
If we could be honest here,
if you got more than one kid,
you know everybody is not going
to be a winner.
Somebody's not coming home.
Somebody's coming home
with a neck tattoo.
You understand what I'm saying.
You understand.
Somebody's driving for Uber
in their 40s.
We could be honest in here.
Was that too close to home?
I apologize.
There's a lot of kid optimism
in here right now, trying to get
on the road after this.
I understand.
Get your money, boo boo.
(audience laughing)
My oldest girl, Lavita,
she's a terrible person.
Let's talk about it here.
She's not here.
You haven't seen her eat
a granola bar.
She doesn't chew.
It's just a swallow like a anaconda.
Let's listen.
First time she's solid.
You seen these solid kids walking
around Target.
She's built like a tonka truck
but she's got the attitude
of a divorced dad.
She's not a good person.
That's what I'm trying to tell you.
She's not.
But I want us to be friends
after the show.
So I'mma tell you how I knew
she was aggressive.
Last summer, my son and my oldest
girl, Liv, they wanted to sleep
in the same bed.
I'm like, that's, that's not
a good decision.
But it was like, oh, please, please.
All right, trying to be a better
dad, let's do it.
So Saturday, that week goes by.
I take my son to go get
some pancakes, man time.
We're chilling.
Things are good.
And as we're having the pancakes,
I asked my son, yo, Mishin,
how has it been sleeping
in the same bed with Liv,
this past week?
He takes a bite of the pancakes.
He looks to the left,
he looks to the right.
So I'm like, is she following us?
What's going on in here?
Then he leans in and whispers to me,
"she chokes me."
(audience laughing)
I said, what!
He says, "she chokes me."
I said, what do you do?
He said, "I play dead,
"that's what I do."
(audience laughing)
She's going to kill him
in his sleep.
That's what's going to happen here.
He's not making it to eighth grade.
We've got to put him
on an airbrush t-shirt.
It is not going to go well for him.
You know what I'm saying.
You've lost some people.
You understand.
It's a lot going on out here, man.
Trying to do better.
Trying to do better here.
And I don't know about you
but my favorite type of parents--
I've been in this thing for a while.
My favorite type of parents
are the new parents.
Any new parents in here?
First time, new parents in here.
They're probably at home, resting.
That makes sense right here.
My first thought because they just--
they get nervous about anything.
Where my parents at?
Parents make some noise.
(audience cheering)
Yeah, yeah.
Got some seasoned vets in here.
Because you know,
if you're a seasoned vet,
you got kids, you hear them fall,
and it doesn't sound like blood,
you're not getting up.
You're not going to check at all.
A kid could fall right now,
and if he's still giggling,
I'm not going to look around and
see right here.
Love it.
I went recently, a little while ago
with a new parent.
It was a new dad.
He had a little girl, 9, 10 months.
And I've got my two girls there.
And so we're having a good time.
We're chilling.
And then the dad of the little girl,
he takes a little sip
of the sippy cup.
And I puked in my mouth.
(audience laughing)
And he was like, "you don't drink
"after your kids?"
I was like, no!
Have you see a kid's cup?
Oh, my goodness!
There's debris on the rim.
It's like a swamp is floating
at the bottom here.
There's fried chicken in there
but we had lasagna.
What happened to the cup?
This is your cup, buddy.
(audience laughing)
Oh, my goodness.
But I feel we could be honest.
I feel we all know that the best
type of kid is a fat kid.
We can agree on that.
Can we agree on that?
They're not here.
They're at a buffet.
You can laugh at that.
Listen, we can be honest.
I love a fat kid.
We all love a fat kid
because they're always
happy because they're always full.
You understand what I'm saying.
Oh, my goodness.
And we all had a fat kid phase.
I had a fat kid phase.
Facebook reminded me,
in fourth grade
I looked like a pregnant panda.
I remember my fat kid phase.
Oh, my goodness.
And the favorite time
to see a fat kid is on the beach.
Ooh, because they got--
bathing suit is a little too small,
so little booty crack is coming out.
They get out the water like,
get back in the water whoa-ho-ho,
like a beach walrus.
It's a beautiful sight.
Mom's like, you know he's got
thick bones.
No, he's got gravy in his bones,
mom, do better.
He's got gout.
He's 11.
What's going on here?
(audience laughing)
Love being a dad, man.
It's a lot going on in here.
I'm peeing a lot more.
I don't transition well.
I'm peeing a lot.
Sir, look me in my eyes,
I'm peeing a lot.
I thought it was a symptom.
You know what I'm saying.
I was nervous.
I looked it up.
Oh, my goodness.
I'm in my 30s though.
You know what I'm saying.
Where my 30s at?
30s make some noise.
30s where you at?
(audience cheering)
- Yeah!
- 20s, 20s in the building,
where you at?
Let me here you, 20s.
(audience cheering)
OK.
20s, right here.
Settle down.
We don't need to hear
about your metabolism.
We got it out here--
40s in the building.
I ain't forgot about you.
40s in here, where you at?
(audience cheering)
Yeah.
Peeing a lot.
How old are you, big dog,
right here?
- What?
- How old are you?
- I'm 24.
- See, OK.
See that's a sweet age, right there.
You see, these are my third drawers
today.
You still got one pair of drawers
on right now.
I know you got a extra pair
in her purse, big dog.
I see you right now.
24.
Oh!
What a good time!
My goodness.
Because you can go to the urinal,
shake two times,
and go about your business.
That's not-- you know what I'm saying.
You understand what I'm playing.
Look at me.
You know what I'm talking about.
We shake like a rodeo got
to get started.
Whoo!
Because if you don't shake enough,
you know, sir, you go down
and eight more drops
are coming down your leg,
and now you got
squishy socks and slippery thighs.
And you got to go home.
You got to log out of Zoom.
You can't talk to nobody on Zoom
with squishy thighs.
Sir, you know what I'm saying.
You got to call your momma.
Take a nap
with some slippery thighs.
No.
You got to go to bed.
(audience laughing)
That's why I'm all black, just
in case it gets slippery up here.
Just in case.
This was a wise decision.
(audience laughing)
Getting older, man.
I'm excited.
I'm grateful to get older.
Lot of old privilege,
I'm walking into.
There's a lot of old things
I'm ready to do now as I get older.
I mean, I'm about to turn 35, soon.
There's some things
I'm excited to do.
Right now, I'm at the great age
where I'm so happy now that I can
fart in public.
Woohoo!
Oh!
I know you're farting right now,
player.
I see you, big dog.
Oh!
My goodness!
24.
Oh, man.
See, you ever walk
behind your granny,
and it smells like dead kitties.
That's what that is.
That's liberty.
That's what you smell.
That's what you smell here.
I'm going to be honest.
I'm never see y'all again,
I'm gonnna open up to you.
So two months ago,
I was at the airport.
OK.
I had a meatball sandwich
and some headphones in.
So I didn't care what was
about to happen.
And you know when you can feel it
in your side.
We can be honest.
You're like, eh!
You know when you can feel it, eeh!
You can feel, eeh!
In your side.
I'm at the airport
and I'm just like, well, here we go.
And I sit on those metal seats.
I'm like, oh, whatever, prrrr.
And the kid behind me
dropped his sandwich.
You listen to me out here.
He ducked like a car was backfiring.
I was like, nope, that's just me
living life.
I'm a grown man.
(audience laughing)
I'm no longer putting paper
on the toilet seat.
If it's not poop or sweat,
I'mma pray and sit down.
That's all it is right now.
Every seat sweat I've got scabies.
I apologize.
That joke was from 2017.
I'm definitely changing the seats
now.
I'm definitely changing the seats.
You got to wipe the seats now,
so you'll die today.
This air is poison out here.
Oh, I'm getting older though, man.
I'm grateful for it though.
You know every day isn't promised.
A lot of things though-- people keep
saying, hey keep trying new things
as you get older.
Keep trying new things
as you get older.
I'm like to, to a degree.
I was in Wyoming last year
for no good reason.
And I was skating.
Ooh.
And I fell.
Oh, oh.
See, 24, you can fall right now,
bounce up right there.
Have a good day.
Player, you know.
You 35 and you fall,
you're using the deductible.
That's guaranteed right there.
You're missing two days of work,
at least.
You know what I'm saying.
"James, why does my knees sound
"like popcorn?"
You're dying, Lisa.
That's what's happening right now.
Can't try everything as you get
older.
Some things you got to stop.
And I'm going to say this
because you got friends
and maybe they won't tell you.
If you're over 50
and you're trying to get on Facebook
for the first time, shut that down.
That's not for you.
Everybody's got a aunt or uncle
who's just profile
pic is just eyebrows because they
don't know how to use
their smartphone.
You understand.
(audience laughing)