-Our next guest has his comedy special, "37 & Single,"
streaming now on Netflix.
Please welcome the very funny Jared Freid!
[ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪
-I was just hanging out with my parents.
Anyone hang out with their parents still?
[ Cheers and applause ]
The only problem is you don't know
if it's going to be a fun hang or a judgmental hang, right?
My mom will be like, "Let's have a drink.
Have a drink! Come on, have a drink!"
And then, the next morning, I walk into the kitchen.
She's at the table. It's dimly lit.
She's like, "We have to talk about the drinking."
You ever been to an intervention with your own dealer?
Your parents aren't going to change, though.
Never. My mom is never going to pronounce Chipotle correctly.
She could be on a game show.
The host would be like, "For $2 million,
just say Chipotle."
She'd immediately make herself the victim.
She'd be like, "Everyone is yelling at me."
The host would be like, "No one is yelling at you.
For $2 million, just say Chipotle."
She'd be like, "This is ridiculous."
Chip-o-tal."
I'm judgy of people's orders,
but people are judgy of my orders, too.
You know, I went on a bachelor party in 2016,
and I ordered a skinny margarita.
That's been my nickname for seven years.
Every time I hang out with my friends,
some old lady is like, "Why do they call you Bethenny Frankel?"
I judge my mom's orders. She goes to Starbucks.
You ever go to Starbucks with your mom?
It's a show.
My mom walks in like she's the lead of a '90s sitcom.
She's like, "Hi, everybody!"
And then she goes up to a teenage barista
and just screams coffee ingredients.
They make no sense.
She went up -- Last time we went, she goes,
I'll have an iced mocha, two-scoop, dolce, frothy top.
You know.
She said, "You know." That was the craziest part.
The teenage barista never looked up.
She just goes, "I got it. She's here every day."
Here's the actual order.
Iced mocha latte with two pumps of cinnamon-dolce sweetener,
steamed skim milk on top.
"Scoops" are apparently pumps.
That teenage barista is the greatest detective of our time.
Right? I just imagine her in her bedroom.
There's, like, boy-band posters everywhere,
a picture of my mom, red string out to all the clues.
She's sitting there with a cigarette.
She's like, "Dolce.
Frothy top."
I want to go on every errand with my mom.
Not the places that know her,
not the places that don't know her,
the ones in the middle, the ones getting to know her.
Right? The place where she walks in and she's like,
"Hi, everybody," and five high-school kids
are like, "Oh, no!"
Right? She goes to the market. She goes to the deli counter.
She's like, "Shrimp-chicken thingy."
You see the deli guy. "Okay, shrimp woman's back.
Here we go.
Remember, shrimp means salami, 1/4 pound.
She wants it sliced thin, but not too thin,
but kind of thin.
Chicken thingy -- not a chicken, not a turkey.
We'll go provolone. We got nothing to lose."
She's just not a communicator, even over texts.
She texts "LOL" to everything.
"LOL. LOL." I hate LOL. It's a dishonest acronym.
Everyone texts "LOL," but you've never seen someone
with their phone in their hand just in the middle
of the street, just like... [ Laughs ]
It's dishonest.
I only send honest texting acronyms, only honest ones,
like "TITTTITWAWSD."
"This is the third time I've texted, what's up,
are we still dating?"
"YTACIGAYP."
"Your texts are coming in green, are you poor?"
"PRMFTGTILTOTCIAKGETTTAFSE."
"Please remove me from this group text,
I've lost track of the conversation
and I keep getting excited thinking the text
is from someone else."
Thank you, guys. I'm Jared Freid.
[ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪
Two scoops. Two scoops.
-Yeah. -The best. Jared Freid!
[ Cheers and applause ]
"37 & Single" is available now on Netflix.