Hi friend,
I wanted to share my story with you, or part of it -
how I ended up a loner, and.. well.. fell in love with it.
Now, that is not to say that I’m always alone, quite on the contrary,
I have people I love and I crave to spend time with them.
But I find myself gravitating towards solitude in my free time
and in times when I strive to be most creative.
Time alone is when I’m able to recharge and think and come up with ideas,
and it just so happens that this week I’m spending days completely by myself,
and I thought I’d take you on my journey.
I’m just that type of person who gets overstimulated
when there’s too much noise and crowds of people around.
I love being social, but whenever I am -
I spend all my energy on making sure others are happy,
as the result getting completely drained of life by the end of the day.
We are all humans - and we all, to one extent or the other wear masks
depending on the situation and person we’re with,
it’s a completely natural thing we all do.
I’ve recently learned about an interesting psychological concept of true self - false self.
“The true self is the instinctive core of the personality,
the capacity to recognise and enact spontaneous needs for self-expression.
A true self has a sense of integrity, of connected wholeness.
This spontaneous self and this experience of aliveness
is the heart of authenticity.
False self is when the person has to comply with external rules.
It’s a mask of the false persona
that constantly seeks to anticipate demands of others in order to maintain the relationship.
The primary function of the false self is defensive,
to protect the true self from threat, wounding and even destruction.
This is an unconscious process
the false self comes to be mistaken for the true self to others
and even to oneself.
Even with the appearance of success, and of social gains,
there is the sense of not really being alive.”
Whenever I have a chance to be alone
I can be anyone I want to in that particular moment,
without needing to present myself in any way to the people around.
I can be as playful or as dramatic as I like.
I can be whimsical, dancing alone in the flower garden
or I can turn myself into the gardener, sow seeds, forage for foods,
cook, bake, run around barefoot, befriend a neighbours cat, and birds
and lose myself in daydreams.
In the society I often put on a mask of success,
I present myself through the things I do,
the things I achieved, personally or professionally.
But I know that these things that I do are not necessarily things that I am.
Sometimes it feels strange to admit
that things I do outside of my “social self” are what I enjoy..
you know, going back to those masks we wear.
For the longest time I felt ashamed of who I am even.
And only when I feel like nobody’s watching
I can truly embrace my own quirks and creativity.
Before too long the sunny day was over, washed away by a pouring rain.
The wind brought along heavy clouds.
I stood there watching raindrops roll down the window,
thinking that my day was over too,
getting ready to curl up with a book by the candle light.
But then there was a sudden urge to go outside.
As if pulled by a strong force I ran to the streets, and…
I still can’t believe what I saw.
Sun found its way through the clouds - raindrops danced in the sunshine,
shining like crystals in the soft golden light.
I looked up and saw the rainbow -
alone in the middle of a field I laughed out loud, not even caring if anyone could hear.
After all, heavy rain locked people up in the comfort of their homes,
leaving me alone in this magic.
To me there is a distinct difference between being alone and being lonely.
Loneliness isn’t necessarily the feeling you experience when you’re alone,
I think, it’s something bigger.
It’s being uncomfortable in your own reality.
It’s rarely about the number of people that surround you in this particular moment,
but what you’re surrounding yourself with -
the energy, the feelings, the things you do in that moment.
How comfortable you are being your true self.
Being around people - that’s not the way to fill up your feeling of loneliness.
The way to fill it up, is to quietly listen and find the way
to fill your own soul first and foremost.
That’s how I feel about being alone.
But of course, you might feel differently about it.
That’s the beauty of life, we all have our own experiences, and they are all valid.
There’s no right or wrong answer.
Just live and savour each moment of being.