- Uh, I'm going to 574, Rochemont Drive. Thank you.
(door opening) Hey, no, no. What are you doing?
Veronica, no, no. I'm leaving, get out.
- I'm kidnapping you. - No, no, you're not.
- Yeah, I brought pumpkin pie and whipped cream. We can turn
this car around, watch Showgirls. I can give you a
back massage. - No, no, no. Hey! What are you
doing? You are drunk! - Alice, you put your tongue in
my mouth at the video shoot yesterday.
- Yeah, Veronica. I was acting. - Okay, Judi Dench. Then, I'm
coming with you. I can turn this pie into a birthday cake.
How old is baby Lulu turning? Fifteen candles should be more
than enough. Yeah? - You're not coming with me.
You're not invited. - Yeah, I am. This is the
biggest sweet 16 in Canadian celebrity history. Everyone's
invited. You're probably the only who got that weird paper
thing in the mail. - I don't know what makes you
think you were invited. She doesn't even want me to come.
I'm just going to surprise her. - What surprises me is you
haven't been arrested yet. - What?
- She's underage. She's got fur on her shoes.
She's too young for you, bro. If she doesn't remember when
... dated men, she too young for you, bro.
Ah, Lulu's Twitter account. Some choice excerpts:
"Guys, oh my God, champagne is so yummy!" "hashtag:
baby's first bottle" I'm not even making
this up. This is actually on her Twitter account. It actually
says, "hashgtag: baby's first bottle"! "So sad about the
pipeline. Trudeau so hot, but OMG environment."
- Valid... Sorry, I don't, I don't know where we're going,
but I don't think this is the right neighbourhood. We're in
the suburbs right now and I don't think we're going... we're
not going to a house. - Obviously, it's an underground
thing, Alice, speakeasy style, very cool right now. Don't
worry. I'll get the secret password for us. You can pull
over right here. Ready, set, party.
(theme music) - This one goes out to all
my pill-poppers, all my chemical-dependent sisters.
(ding-dong) (both): Hi there!
- Alice! Lulu told us you couldn't make it! Oh, we are so
happy you're here. And you brought a friend.
- Veronica Vale. - Shiny jacket, I like it.
- Of course! Lulu has told us so much about you. She'll be so
excited to see you both. Come on in. Come on!
(children's song at a distance)
♪ And that's what It's all about
Put your left... ♪♪ - Please, come on in. Come on
into the living room. - Hey! Happy birthday, you.
- Oh, my God, you actually came. I told you not to. And you
brought Veronica. I mean, hi, Veronica. Thanks for coming to
my birthday party. - Of course. Turning 13
is a big deal. - Obviously, this isn't the only
party I'm having. There's a huge one tomorrow at the
Thompson. Can I... talk to you for a second?
- Oh, yeah. What should I do with... Oh.
(children's music)
- Ow! - Sorry.
- What do you have in there? Ow! I think you chipped a bone.
Ow! - Are you trying to seduce me
into your parents' room because it's totally working?
- Alice, we really, really, super seriously cannot do this
here. My, um... My parents.
- What about your parents? - My parents, if you haven't
noticed, are a little on the Jesus-loving side.
(both singing): Jesus is just all right with me!
Jesus is just all right! - Oh! Oh, my God.
That's a big deal and we are going to talk about it. But
is it wrong that I'm totally turned on right now?
Can you just take me upstairs to your sparkly pink bedroom and
we'll make out? - Lucinda, darling!
Will you come and say grace before we cut the cake?
- Of course. (knocking)
Mom! Please leave me alone. Oh. Hi.
- There's our birthday bunny. Your parents are something
else, huh? I'm guessing they don't know
about your little foray into the Amazon jungle.
- Sorry, what? - Oh, you know.
- Oh, right. No. I mean... I'm still figuring
things out. I'm in such a new phase.
- Oh, so you and Alice, it's just a phase?
- I mean, I really like her. - God, is it hot in here?
- Not really. - Mind if I take this off?
- Yeah, no problem. - Oh, whoops!
Will you look at that? - It's okay.
- So, you liking boobs, it's like a temporary thing or just
like an Alice's-boobs kind of thing?
- I'm just still in the process of figuring things out.
- Oh, honey. I totally remember what it was like to be 16.
- I'm 20 as of today. (squirting cream)
- Look at that. Whipped cream all over my chest.
- What are you doing? - I want you, Lulu. I've wanted
you ever since I saw you walk through the studio door.
I am always mean to the people that I am deeply attracted to.
Do you feel how fast my heart is beating?
- I have to go. - I knew it. You are straight.
You know, that's pretty sick, leading Alice on just so you
can have your little teenage rebellion.
- What? Just because I don't fall for your lame seduction
attempt, I must be straight. Maybe I just love Alice enough
to not cheat on her. Excuse me, I have to get back to
my party. I don't want to leave Alice alone with my parents
for too long.
♪ Tea for two And two for tea
That's all I want For daddy and me ♪♪
♪ Apple of my eye My sweet cherry pie
That's what I call That daughter of mine ♪♪
- Veronica. You, you smell like spring rain on, on a Christmas
morning. I've missed you. This place is awful. What do you
have in that flask and how much can I have?
- Oh, God. Richard, what have I done in this world that you're
my one ally in the room? What are you even doing here?
- Well, the sweet cash that Lulu brings in at Axis means
making nice with the parents is totally worth it. You know, you
gotta reinforce their decisions, make it seem like it's a good
idea to over sex their perfect Christian daughter. That, and
you know, I lost the office pool, so... how about you?
- Vodka. Idiocy. - Chip?
- No thanks. I'm trying to quit.
- Unless. ♪ Tea for two
And two for tea That's all I want
For daddy and me ♪♪ ♪ Apple of my eye
My sweet cherry pie That's what I call
That daughter of mine ♪♪ - Oh!
- Heather! Cleaning up at your daughter's
birthday. Let me help you. (laughing)
God, you're such an angel. - God, no! Can you imagine what
the actual angels might think if they heard that?
(laughing)
- You sure raised one heck of a daughter, huh?
- Oh, thank you. - Now, seeing her and Alice
together, it just, it really makes me believe in true love
again. - Oh, that is so sweet.
Oh, you know. They really are something else together. You
should hear them at their sleepovers. They sound like
they're having so much fun! And it's so great that she has
someone to look up to in the business.
What did you mean by "true love"?
(sighing) - If she didn't have a sexual
awakening to Xena, she's too young for you, bro.
Lulu. More like...
Doo-doo. I know what you're thinking, I'm making poop
jokes. "Hashtag: Lulu go do you do
you" Which actually when you read it looks like: "Lulu go
doo-doo." So she's making poop jokes about
herself. So I don't... I don't know what's really more
infantile than that. I think that's... I mean...
"Hashtag: Zooey Deschanel is my idol", "hashtag: inner-child
bliss", "hashtag: heart chakra". Okay, so here's another literary
masterpiece from Lulu's Twitter account. So many abbreviations,
I don't even know what it means. "Oh, my God, tots cute
BBs. Obvi love my new vid, HBU?" What... How...
I just, I don't understand how anyone could want to have sex
with anyone who uses that many abbreviations. It's so
grammatically incorrect. It's like... did she pass the
Grade-4-competency literacy exam?
- We'll stop right here. (sighing)
- I passed it. Barely.
Subtitling: CNST, Montreal