- When Ryan passed away I was like trying to
find anything I could to just like keep him close.
- Everyday is a challenge.
You might wake up in a great mood, and then,
you'll hear a song or something will click,
you'll drive down a street that you used to drive down,
and then, those memories come rushing back.
- I took Ryan to Disneyland on the day that he passed away.
We woke up super early that morning.
I took like pictures of him like in front of the
ferris wheel with Mickey in the background.
That's where we were the day that he passed away.
(ethereal synthesizer music)
- The loss of a child is by far the
greatest loss that you could experience.
- Our whole world just came crashing down.
We're still broken.
I don't like saying that it's gotten easier
because for me it definitely has not gotten easier.
Hi mama.
Hi.
We have three kids.
Maya is only a month old, so she's brand new.
Oh no.
I think once you have your third kid
they're just kind of along for the ride
and she's pretty go-with-the-flow.
Mila is a force.
- Mila's like her mom.
- Jingle bells.
- From the second she wakes up to the second
she goes to bed she's at a 10 or higher, but then,
she's also very soft and gentle and sweet and loving.
- Yeah, she's very kind.
She loves to make people smile and laugh.
That's like her favorite thing, which is funny because...
- Which is how Ryan was.
= Yeah, our son Ryan was the same way,
he loved to make people laugh.
There's like a picture of Ryan and he's like hugging me,
but he's like choking me, but it's just,
that's just how he was. - [Dan] That's how he was.
- Mila's the same way, they love so hard.
Ryan passed away when he was three-and-a-half.
Our whole world just like came crashing down.
It shattered everything, and so,
we just kind of had to like learn how to rebuild ourselves,
and we went to couple's therapy for awhile
just so we can figure out what the hell was going on.
I think feelings of grief and like mourning something
can make you feel so isolated and alone.
I think it took like two weeks before I realized
that I could either let Baby Boy Bakery
just like pass along with him or I could
find the courage to continue it.
- Kinda use it as a tool to keep his
- His little memory alive.
- Little memory alive.
(ethereal synthesizer music)
- I started Baby Boy Bakery when
our son Ryan was just six months,
and I started it as a way to connect with other moms.
Our son was starting solid food,
so I started blogging about baby food
because I made homemade baby food for him.
Just sharing recipes that we would eat.
And then, we got an Instagram account and it just
became like an extension of our blog
and it just kind of steadily grew year after year.
I think when people came to
Baby Boy Bakery they got recipes,
but more so than that, they just got a peek into our life.
(lilting synthesizer music)
I mean, it took us a few weeks,
but we started doing some things slowly.
I think the first recipe back on
my blog after him was cinnamon rolls,
and I talked about how it felt like
to feel him in the kitchen with me again.
It snowballed into this like big, beautiful thing now.
Okay, watch your hand.
Keep stirring with this hand.
Watch out.
Wooo, that's our secret ingredient, isn't it?
Butter.
When Ryan passed away I was like trying to find
anything I could to just like keep him close.
We made pancakes all the time.
- It's delicious.
- We packed lunches together because
it was more fun to do it together.
And so making lunches and doing the pancakes
when Mila came just felt so second nature
and so great and just a great way
for me to feel like Ryan was still here.
You know, it can get chaotic a little bit,
especially when you add a newborn into the mix,
but it's still something that we can do together.
- (crying)
- Family traditions are huge.
My mom had this wacky tradition called Family Friday
where every Friday we would watch
a movie and we would make pizza.
- Oh.
- You want to make these memories with your kids, and so,
we have the same Family Friday tradition in our house.
- There you go, nice.
- Let's sprinkle it on.
- I'm in.
- You should work in a pizza parlor.
- We celebrate his birthday every year at Disneyland
'cause that's what we've always done.
Every time we go there for his
birthday something special happens.
One year where they let us open up the park.
- [Dan] Open the park, that was cool.
- Good morning, everyone.
- Everyone waits at the turnstiles before the park is open
and they choose one family to come and like
open up Disneyland for the day, and they chose us.
- We have the wonderful Saldana family from Pasadena.
They're here to celebrate a very special birthday for Ryan.
Everyone's going to say "Happy Birthday, Ryan."
- Happy birthday, Ryan.
- Everyone comes from our family
and everyone wears a happy birthday Ryan button and it's...
- So the cast member is like happy birthday, Ryan,
happy birthday, Ryan. - Three, two,
one, let the magic begin.
- So Disneyland will forever be a big part of our life.
Oh my gosh, that's a lot of salt.
- Is it good?
- It's really good.
It goes back to feeling that responsibility
for Ryan even though he's not here.
He wants us to get up and go and do.
I know deep down that he is so proud of us.
- [Dan] Very much so.
- I don't like saying that it's gotten easier
because for me it definitely has not gotten easier.
I have just gotten stronger enough to deal with it.
(lilting piano music)