*trademark high five sound effect*
Top o' the mornin' to you laddies, my name is jacksepticeye
and oh, my, god, LOOK AT THIS KNIGHT!!
Does he look familiar to you?
Does that steely determined look into the distance and that yellow complexion look familiar to you?
That's because it's not any old knight
That is our boy,
crown ruler
Eggsy
King of ducks (*echoes* ducks, ducks)
Here, once again, to PUT HIS FOOT DOWN!
He has conquered land, sea, air
He's still trying to conquer space somewhere, I don't know
He might be lost or something
BUT NOW, HE'S HERE TO SAVE THE KINGDOM!
And no one can stand in his way!
No one can stop him!
Not least these fucking trees
[As Eggsy]: "This is it! Another village."
"Maybe my deeds were not truly appreciated last time"
"But now everything should go just fine."
"People simply forgot what the real knight is."
"And, after all, I've got the valour,"
"I've got the honour,"
*Jack starts making it up* I've got the sex need... face
It's a term - you might not get it yet, it's your learning time
When you become a knight of the ROYAL HIGHNESS
*back to reading* "They will be head over heels for me by the night!"
"I should look for someone who needs some help..."
[As Jack]: Go, Eggsy,
Go, find them.
Find them, and be the king that we all know you can be!
Helloooo, bird brethren!
It is I, Eggsy, your ruler
Do not fear,
I know everybody out there thinks so highly of me and everybody wants a piece
But these people, they need my help!
Oh, my god
"What's, done-"
[changes to an attempt at a Russian accent]: "What's done is done. Let them stay."
GLORY GREATEST!
[normal Jack]: There's very few people I see wearing hats like that
Except for Arstotzkans
These are the best people. I need to help them.
[Blue one's voice]: "What's done?"
"Whatta hell we have four scarecrows for?"
"Our garden's ten yards long!"
"I've asked for one scarecrow only!"
[back to the Russian]: "I made one and I couldn't stop."
[Blue]: "I'll show you 'I coul-"
[Eggsy]: "HAVE NO WORRIES!"
"I'LL HELP YOU!"
*Jack making it up* For it is I,
EGGSY!
Okay
[Russian, sounding a little Scottish]: "Who are you, for Pete's sake?"
[Jack]: Can't you hear my theme music?
Whenever I go anywhere, my theme music plays for me
*shouting off to the side* Thank you, orchestra!
[Eggsy]: "I am the knight!"
[Blue]: "Whatta-"
[Eggsy]: "I've got the valor!"
"I've got the honor!"
"I won't be me if I won't save you from these nasty wretched scarecrows!"
[Jack]: Orchestra?
Orchestra ye can calm down!
Okay. HUH!
Take that scarecrow! Have at ye, huh!
Gettum, Eggsy, gettum!
This is what we've been training for
Hard to hit a moving target, isn't it?
Huh! What you got? You ain't got shit!
You're welcome
By the way, it is only I,
Eggsy the greatest
Thank you, orchestra
They're working overtime today.
[Blue]: "Whatta hell did ya do?"
[Russian]: "These scarecrows have taken my whole day!"
[Blue]: "Whatta hell, scarecrows?! My garden all tore up!"
"Get out of here! And you'd better not let me see your face again!"
[Jack]: Oh, oh, jesus, okay! Um...
Citizens? Citizens, I know you do not know true valour and honour when it stares you in the face
but it is I, Eggsy, crown ruler, king of ducks, erm- *gets punched*
Oh, apologies, apologies!
Fella- fella- fellas! We can talk this through!
*Jack breaths heavily*
People- people just don't- People just don't know!
They don't know what it takes to be a knight!
To fight for justice in a world so cruel! *sighs*
Okay, somebody else must need help.
Hello?
Ah, more scarecrows!
Have at ye!
Have at you, scarecrow!
Never trust a scarecrow!
They look like a man, they feel like a man, but they ain't no man!
Hi!
[Eggsy]: "Good day, old lady!"
[Creepy Old Lady voice]: "Whadda you need on my stead?"
[Eggsy]: "Do you need any help?"
[Jack]: Mam! Your chickens! They're loose!
[Old Lady]: Ugh, all my chickens ran away because of you.
[Eggsy]: FEAR NOT!
[Jack]: Orchestra *gesturing vaguely at the imaginary orchestra behind him*
There we go
[Eggsy]: "Fear not! I'll take them back!"
[Old Lady, but basically just mumbling]: "Go away, I'll get it myself."
[Eggsy]: "DON'T WORRY!"
"I've got the valour!"
[Old Lady]: "Get, now!"
[Eggsy]: "I've got the honour!"
"And at last,"
"It's only me to blame, after all!"
"I won't forgive me if I won't do my duty as the knight-"
[Old Lady]: Stop it, right here!
[Eggsy]: "Here, a-"
[Old Lady]: "Get lost, now!"
[Eggsy]: "AND NOW,"
"Don't interrupt me, please."
[Jack]: A knight needs his steely focus. Huh!
Get in there, chickens!
What?! Come on!
Get on up now! Oh!
Oh, god, I killed one! Oh!
Fear not milady!
These chickens, they need to be put in line!
And I know the perfect way!
To really get a chicken to listen to what you gotta do,
You gotta put them to sleep first!
I call this 'the goodnight'
For it puts them into a nice sleepy slumber of nighttimeness
Huh!
Come on, chicken!
Cease your resistance!
I am trying to help you!
Ma'am you'd- fear not! Your chickens are safe
For they are all going back into the coop one by one
Here we go, one last chicken
There we go!
I have saved you!
Don't worry, you can hold your applause
[Old Lady]: "Whadda ya do with my chickens?"
"Tinhead evildoer, may ya be broken on the wheel!"
[Jack]: Ma'am don't worry, I say- FUCK, MA'AM
JESUS CHRIST, I was only trying to say that I- FUCK!
I saved your chickens!
I don't think people around here know what it's like to be a knight
For when I see injustice and I see crime, I go headlong into it and I fix the problem
Everything is a problem that needs to be fixed in the eyes of a knight
Fucking hell!
They don't know. They don't know.
You see ma'am, what I was trying to tell you, is that- FUCK!
On my way
What's wrong with you?
[#1]: "Well, bros, how could we plant so much cabbage?"
[#2]: "I dunno, some sort of cabbage machine?"
[#3]: "I dunno"
[#4]: "I dunno"
[#2]: "I thought we agreed what to plant?"
"I was to plant carrot."
[#1]: "Me, turnip."
[#3]: "Me, potato."
[#4]: "Me, corn."
[#3]: "So why did only cabbage grow?"
[#1]: "I dunno"
[#2]: "I dunno"
[#4]: "I dunno"
[#3]: "What should we do with it?"
[Eggsy]: "FEAR NOT! HAVE NO WORRIES!"
"For I, crowned knight, Eggsy,"
"Sir eggsy, to you."
"I'll handle your problem, ha-haah!"
"Fear not, for I am here!"
[All]: "Who are you?"
[Eggsy]: I am the knight!
"And I am the day, for I have the valour, I've got the honour!"
[#4]: "If you dare, knight."
[Jack]: Fellas.
Hold on. No worries. I have got this.
[#2,3&4] "Hey!"
[#1]: "He's squashing our cabbage!"
[#2]: "Beat him up!"
[Jack]: Fellas, fellas, this is what it means to be a knight.
For, you see,
Cabbage is the evildoer of the universe,
and if we don't squash out the cabbage who knows, what- OW!
Who knows what evil deeds will get- AH FUCK!
It's okay, I can take it, for I am the knight!
*pants*
We can talk about this!
Cabbage is the bad thing in the world
Okay
You gotta squash out the cabbage
Or else you're gonna end up with a life unfulfilled
Guys?
They, don't listen to me, okay I'll just squash out the rest of this cabbage
There we go, it's all squashed.
Oh, look- look, guys, lookout!
Hold on, guys! You've a scarecrow!
Oh god!
*fighting noises*
You guys are lucky I came along
Who knows how long more that scarecrow could have interrupted your lives
You're welcome
It's a hard day being a knight
Just gonna sit down this rock here
Oh, have at ye, rock!
I thought it was evil
I thought the rock was evil, I thought I was gonna have to beat him - it's, okay just sit down
And rest - take a little break!
It's alright, it's just a breather
*gargles water* Ugh.
Good old night fluid. Pure fuel.
All right, who else needs my help?
Hello.
[Eggsy]: "Hello there, do you need any help?"
[Farmer?]: "Nope."
[Eggsy]: "Is there any problem only a..."
"Knight could handle, maybe?"
[Farmer]: "Nah. All's granny-slappin' good."
"I have hens layin' eggs, cabbage flourishin' on patch - what else do I need?"
[Eggsy]: "Do you have any... work for a knight to do?"
[Farmer]: "I've done all my doin's for today."
[Jack]: Oh. Well alright then.
Well, as long as, as long as, you know, what you, did-
SIR, SIR, HOLD ON! SCARECROW!
Sir- AND CABBAGES!
You have scarecrows and cabbages and chickens
Sir, i'm gonna have to take you away.
Sir, your- fuck- your land is littered with evildoers!
FUCK- JESUS- SIR! I'm trying to help!
A knight's work never goes unpunished
Okay, I'll come back to you then, seeing as you don't want my help right now.
Ah, hey, church.
[Eggsy]: "Fellow priest, do you need any help, father?"
*hiccups*
[Priest]: "Of course. Drink this."
[Eggsy]: "What? Wine?! The night never drinks!"
"For he is the protector, his mind must be as clear as the glass you are holding in your hand."
[Priest, slurring]: *burps* Knight-shnight. You're a fucking coward!
"Only cowards don't drink wine!"
[Eggsy]: "What? I've got valour!"
"I've got honor, I've got my recognition
"There is no place for cowardice in my heart! Give that to me!"
[Priest]: "That's better. I can see your bravery now my child."
"Go say ten Hail Marys."
"Can you imagine that? Nobody wants to drink with me!"
"There was a novittate."
"He kept church, but once he just died."
"Another round?"
*slurring*
"I've got it just now. I haven't a single drop for 5 days! 5 days!
"5 days. I could die this way!"
[Eggsy]: "You have such a sad liv... li-living."
[Priest]: "That's right! folks even the stopped donating to the church!"
"I've told him how terrible God's fury will be,"
"but they don't wanna listen! I tell and I tell them and they say that's stupid!"
"BUT THEY'RE WRONG!!"
"People are thinking too much today. They can lose all the faith before you BAT AN EYELASH!!"
"Well *slurring* I don't have fuckin' eyelashes, I'm a penguin..."
"And without faith there's no donations."
"And without donations there's no devotions, and without devotions... How will I jink?"
"How will I drink?"
[Eggsy]: "Poor... *hiccup*... Poor you."
[Priest]: "I have to bear my cross for the faith,"
[Jack, still slurring]: Just like that one guy who beared a cross...
...Quasimodo!
[Priest]: "For... for the faith!"
"AH, Saint Dionysus, demons!"
"I knew... I knew I shouldn't sin with wine!"
"Our father in heaven, hallowed be your name. Your kingdom come, your will be done!"
[Eggsy]: "HAVE NO FEAR!"
"For I am here to spr- save you from these hellspawns!"
"I've got honour, I got value!"
[Jack]: OH GOD THERE'S LIKE 15 MILLION OF THEM!
AH- FUCK! *strange noise* The wine has given me some sort of supernatural powers!
I FEEL NO PAIN!
But they're not dying!
Ow, my head!
This hurts!
*unintelligible* ...so I can go get burger?
I could really go for burgers right now! Can you die, hellspawn?
Fellas, fellas, we can work this out!
DON'T WORRY! The knight is here!
And with the knight comes the day!
And with the day comes victory and shiny gold!
I had him!
[Eggsy]: "I've cleansed the world... of weakness, father."
[Priest]: "Don't move any closer, you- you fiend!"
"Step back! Depart! And lead us not into temptation but deliver us from..."
[Jack]: Deliver us from Evel Knievel? Pretty sure that's how prayer goes...
[Eggsy]: "Fighting the forces of- *hiccup*"
"evil is tiring."
"I'll just take a little nap riiiiight here. I'ma go snooze."
[Jack]: G'night
HAHAAAA!
Another day, another dawn, another... cult... worshipping?
[Red Duck]: "And so it came to pass that i have gathered lots of information about *ahem*"
"The knight with the wooden sword and the bucket on his head."
"In this case, I decided to make emergency meeting!"
"Tell me, what did he do to you?"
[Russian]: "He broke my scarecrow!"
[Blue one]: "He tore up my garden!"
[Old Lady]: "He bashed all my chickens!"
[#2]: "He beated up all our cabbage!"
[#1,3&4]: "And beat it just great... Yeah, very knightly... True!"
[Priest]: "He's the devil himself - saw it with my own eyes! Saw it with my own four eyes!"
[Red]: "Enough, let us put the screws on this fool and drive him from the village."
"Our young four can manage with him."
[#1]: "Piece of cake!"
[Old Lady]: "That's all?"
[Blue]: "He caused too much trouble, let Mikhail get him!"
[Red]: "I do not think this is the right thing to do. He is just-"
[Russian]: "MIKHAIL!"
[All]: *agree*
[Red]: "Okay, good, I will call in Mikhail."
[Jack]: Who's Mikhail?
Okay, I'm just gonna bound away like the little knight that I am. GO, knight Eggsy!
For the night approaches,
And with the night, the knight gets stronger during the night!
I do not fear the night, nor the dark!
Oh, hi!
Oh, god- AH FUCK!
Are you Mikhail?
I think it's time to make a tactical retreat!
Mikhail?
WE CAN TALK ABOUT THIS, BUDDY!
Friend? FRIEND! Ah, fuck!
Stop throwing things!
I wanna be friends! I JUST WANNA TALK!
I need to get out of here, I need to get out of here!
This is fuckin'- this is crazy! STOP IT!
OW, MIKHAIL!
I AM YOUR FRIEND! IT IS ME, EGGSY!
CROWNED KING OF ALL BIRDKIND!
You don't recognize me?
Aaah! Okay! Oh, you'll fucking come to recognize me!
Huh, huh, huh!
No, come on! Come on, Mikhail! What you got? What you got?
You ain't got shit Mikhail!!
Hard to hit a moving target, isn't it?
Come on, come on! What you got? OOH!
Ow! Fuck, okay, he got moves, he got-
He got, moves. He got moves, okay, where'd he go? Okay, there he is.
Look at these dodges!
Come on, come on! OW! What you got?
FUCK!
Mikhail, don't forget, I once knew your mother!
She was a nice lady!
She baked pies and everyone liked her!
Are you living up to her memory properly? Mikhail?
Mikhail! You need to slow down!
Here you go! *multiple eurgh noises*
Yes, Mikhail! Good, good!
Who's a big boy, who's a booboo doodoo? Who's a booboo? Come on!
What you got?
Okay, RETREAT, RETREAT!
I mean,
Victory escape!
Knights never retreat.
[Eggsy]: "Ran away."
"Like a damn coward. What a disgrace."
"The knight would stay and fight until the end!"
"What am I?"
"The knight wouldn't be kicked out like some sort of... burglar
"Fools! Yes, I got no shiny helm or real sword, but I've got something they don't have."
"Valour and honour are much greater than, some steel trinkets!"
"After all this was not the last village."
"Certainly somewhere is someone who needs me."
"And when- I'll show everyone what I'm really ca- Every town, I will hear..."
[Jack]: *laughs* AW... every town I will hear: oh, my, god look at this knight!
And it was on that day, everything was good and everything was
The way Eggsy had deemed it to be necessary for HE WAS...
[Back to Russian for some reason]: ZE GREATEST KNIGHT I HAVE EVER SEEN!
[Normal Jack]: Ok, well that was dumb! *laughs*
I saw this on... I think it was going around tumblr and I saw this was being broadcast.
I saw some of the pictures and I saw that it was a yellow chick and I was like
I have to play this now! You can make so many Eggsy jokes out of this!
That was super fun to do *laughs*
Anyway! Thank you guys so much for watching this episode!
If you liked it, PUNCH THAT LIKE BUTTON IN THE FACE...
LIKE A BOSS!
And, high fives all round!
*impressively accurate high five noise*
WELL THANK YOU GUYS AND I WILL SEE ALL YOU DUDES
IN THE NEXT VIDEOOO!
Sometimes they're my favorite videos to record,
Where have no idea how it's gonna go so
you just make a big joke out of it and everything is fun.