- In order to get over someone
you need to get under someone else.
Have we heard this?
(audience agrees) In order to get over someone
you need to get under someone else.
Ha, ha, ha, ha.
And I think that's adorable
that you think that I'm going to start out under.
(audience laughs)
(upbeat music)
(audience laughs and claps)
Man, vision boards took a hit this year, huh?
(audience laughs)
Rough time to be into goals
(audience laughs) and intentions.
2020 did a number on that.
My vision board is completely empty
except for one posted in the middle
that says, "Breathe."
(audience laughs)
"Unclench your jaw" (laughs)
is my only goal for the next couple of years, oh man.
I just, I don't think "The Secret" was built for this.
(audience laughs)
Do you understand what I mean?
I haven't figured out how to visualize my way
out of a global pandemic yet.
Can you remember what we used to
waste our prayers on before this?
The only time I talked to the Lord
was when I was trying to get concert tickets.
(audience laughs)
Now it's me and Him every day.
Are you there, God?
It's me, Shalewa.
And I'm trying to see James Blake again, what's up?
(Shalewa chuckles)
What you got in that front section?
Mm, it's real rough, it's real rough.
I've been trying to fix up my bedroom
since I can't see me leaving it again after tonight.
(audience laughs)
(chuckles) Y'all are lucky
'cause I'm definitely going underground
and by underground I mean, my apartment is in a basement.
So I've been trying to fix it up,
fix up my little lair.
I got an electric blanket.
I got my first electric blanket actually.
(audience laughs and claps)
Oh, okay, yeah, I'm very excited about,
I'm very excited about it.
I got an electric blanket
because I'm trying to wean myself off of space heaters.
I'm a space heater ho, I gotta be honest with you.
I am, where my bitches at who are always cold?
Where you at?
(audience laughs and claps)
Uh-uh, I know, don't make me touch your feet,
I know y'all are out here.
I know you're out here.
We're all just doing the best we can. (laughs)
Oh, man.
Yeah, I'm always cold
'cause I'm anemic which means I don't have all of my blood.
And then the blood that I do have is incomplete.
So (chuckles) I'm not entirely sure
how I'm standing here right now.
I should be out on the corner licking poles.
Do you know what I mean?
I need nutrients.
Where's the iron, y'all?
Where's the iron, boys, mm?
Show me your spinach.
(laughs) I have never said that before in my life.
(audience and Shalewa laugh)
But if it works, gee. (audience laughs)
It's like the first set that I did went well,
but I only can kind of remember being present
for half of it because the back half of it
I was just thinking of how I needed to rearrange my life
in order to do this for the rest of it.
It is rough at times
where it's certainly rough right now,
but still love it.
I still love it.
It's okay to hear someone say something
that you absolutely do not agree with
but see the humor in it and find it very funny.
And you need to be in darkness in close quarters
but still anonymous enough to laugh freely at that.
And that's a little hard right now
but then again, there's nothing,
there's nothing wrong with a well-placed "Boo!"
in the back of the room.
It's like, "Okay, you've made your point.
No need to argue, I get it."
(audience laughs)
I also, in my room. I hung up some string lights,
some little twinkly string lights,
a little touch of whimsy in there.
But now my room is very well illuminated.
So I thought I'd take advantage of that.
And I grabbed the old hand mirror and I thought
I'd just check out my junk.
You know what I mean?
Just really look at it.
It had been awhile since I was down there.
And I just wanted to make sure everything was
where I left it.
(audience laughs)
And it is, everything is exactly as I think it should be.
It's been perfectly fine down there.
Although I will say my genitals look a little tired,
look a little tired.
Like not beat up or anything.
There are no rashes or anything like that.
It just looks a little peaked. (laughs)
No, I'm sure if someone were to come and visit,
the blood would rush down there
and everything would get all plump
and pink and pretty the way it should.
But for now it could use a serum. (laughs)
It could, nice little scrub, something,
exfoliate, I don't know.
Y'all tell me.
(audience and Shalewa laugh)
Yeah, the reason I thought I'd check it out,
it was because I hadn't been down there in a while
because actually no one's been down there
in a while. (chuckles)
I went through a breakup recently
before all of this happened.
Look, I'm too young to think that things are forever.
So it's fine.
But this particular fellow, we had been dating
for a scoosch over a year cumulatively.
And (chuckles), you wannna add all the months together.
(audience laughs)
About a year.
And then he called me one night and he said,
"I've started seeing someone else."
And I was furious as one should be.
So I just said in a blind rage, I said to him,
"Oh yeah, well, I hope she makes you happy."
(audience laughs)
"I hope she makes you happy?"
What kind of R and B logic is that?
"I hope she -"
What kind of, what in the name of Sizza am I talking about?
So, but I keep going.
'Cause again, blind rage.
I'm seeing red.
I said, "Well, you know what?
I hope y'all have a great connection.
(audience laughs)
I hope she really listens to you.
And that you open up to her
and you listen to her when she's -
I hope you are better to her than you were to me."
And then after a few months he married her.
(audience reacts)
And that is a wild way to discover
that I'm a witch. (laughs)
What? (laughs)
Thought I was hitting him with sick burns, uh.
(audience laughs)
Turned out I was giving him the blueprint to a better life.
Right this way, sir.
So yeah, so I was just trying to work my way through that,
trying to figure out how to get over him.
And basically the only advice I got was,
in order to get over someone
you need to get under someone else.
Have we heard this?
In order to get over someone
you need to get under someone else.
Ha, ha, ha, ha.
And I think that's adorable, I do.
I think that's very cute
that you think that I'm going to start out under.
(audience laughs)
Mm, no baby. (chuckles)
I'm going to start out on top
and then I'm gonna leave.
Then I'm gonna leave.
I'm done.
I'll toss you a wet nap.
You can finish out however you need to,
but I've done my part for me.
How dare you think I'm going to get under this dude
and hold his titties up for three minutes.
Oh, I hook up with big dudes.
I probably should have mentioned that part.
I hook up with big dudes.
so sex with two larger people is really just
like a maneuvering of his B cups in between my D cups.
It's like, it's a lot more engineering involved.
It's kinda like a tittie Tetris, just like a -
(Shalewa vocalizes)
Yeah, it's a lot of that.
It's a lot of that.
I do, I hook up with big dudes.
I don't know what happens.
Probably because I'm a light sleeper.
I'm a light sleeper.
So, and with big dudes,
that I just means I'm here for the apnea.
You know what I mean? (audience and Shalewa laugh)
I'm like a human C-PAP machine.
There is nothing like hooking up with a guy
and then listening to him die over and over
for three to five hours.
(audience laughs)
It's like, "Ey bruh, you have got to go.
Cannot stay here.
I just got this blanket. (chuckles)
It is not warm enough to keep you alive."
My name is Shalewa Sharpe, uh!
You guys have been delightful.
Have a good night.
(audience applauds)
(upbeat music)