>> Stephen: PLEASE, HAVE A SEAT, EVERYBODY.
WELCOME, IN HERE, OUT THERE, ALL AROUND THE WORLD.
OBVIOUSLY, EVERYONE IN CANADA. WELCOME.
WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW." I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
AND LADIES AND GENTLEMEN I AM STILL--
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
MAR-A-LAGO. TURNS OUT, MY KINK IS
CONSEQUENCES. WE'RE LEARNING MORE JUICY DEETS
ABOUT THE RAID. IT'S BECOMING INCREASINGLY CLEAR
THAT THE SEARCH WAS TIED TO AN ONGOING INVESTIGATION INTO
WHETHER THE FORMER PRESIDENT TOOK CLASSIFIED RECORDS FROM THE
WHITE HOUSE TO HIS FLORIDA RESIDENCE.
SPOILER: HE DID.
NO MATTER WHAT IT IS, IT'S ALWAYS WHAT YOU THOUGHT, BUT
WORSE THAN YOU IMAGINED.
HE EXTORTED UKRAINE. HE PUT THE BOP IN THE BOP SHOE
BOP SHOE BOP. HE PUT THE RAM IN THE RAMALAMA
DING DONG! THEN, MADE THE RAMALAMA DING
DONG SIGN AN N.D.A. HE'S ALREADY ADMITTED HE DID IT.
ABOUT SEVEN MONTHS AGO, THE FORMER PRESIDENT REVEALED
THAT HE HAD UNLAWFUL POSSESSION OF CLASSIFIED MATERIAL WHEN HE
TURNED OVER 15 BOXES OF ITEMS TO THE NATIONAL ARCHIVES.
SO, I'M SURE YOU'RE SAYING, "HEY, STEVE, IF HE TURNED IT
OVER, WHY DID THE F.B.I. GO BACK?"
TURNS OUT, AS THE INVESTIGATORS SIFTED THROUGH THE INITIAL 15
BOXES, THEY GREW CONCERNED THAT THE FORMER PRESIDENT HAD NOT, IN
FACT, RETURNED ALL THE GOVERNMENT PROPERTY.
ONE HINT WAS THAT THE MAR-A-LAGO BUFFET WAS SERVING UNLIMITED
SHRIMP OUT OF ABE LINCOLN'S HAT.
THEY SEARCHED THE JOINT, AND THE AGENTS TOOK ABOUT 12 MORE BOXES.
"ABOUT" TWELVE MORE. KEEP IN MIND, THESE 12 BOXES
WERE KEPT IN THE BASEMENT STORAGE AREA.
THAT'S WHERE HE KEPT CLASSIFIED GOVERNMENT DOCUMENTS, IN A
BASEMENT IN FLORIDA? WAS THERE NO ROOM IN THE KIDDIE
POOL FULL OF PYTHONS AND MILDEW? AND IT GETS WORSE, BECAUSE ONLY
AFTER THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S LAWYER RECEIVED INSTRUCTIONS TO
SECURE THE ROOM THIS PAST SPRING, DID THEY ADD A PADLOCK.
SO, BEFORE, IT WAS JUST OPEN? IT WOULD MAKE A GREAT ACTION
MOVIE: "NATIONAL TREASURE 3:
FOUND IT! BEHIND THE CHRISTMAS ORNAMENTS!"
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
A HANDFUL OF AGENTS WERE IN SUITS, BUT MOST WORE T-SHIRTS
AND CARGO PANTS. YEAH, SO GOOD LUCK GETTING YOUR
DAD TO CHANGE HIS OUTFIT NOW: "NO WAY, KIDDO.
OLD DAD'S IN HIS TACTICAL SORTS, LIKE THE G-MEN!
I NEED THE EXTRA POCKETS FOR MY NIGHT-VISION GOGGLES AND MY
THREE DIFFERENT iPHONE CHARGERS. YOU SHOULD PLUG IN.
YOU'RE AT 70%." RIGHT-WING MEDIA HAS TAKEN THE
F.B.I.'S SUCCESSFUL ATTEMPT TO RECOVER STOLEN CLASSIFIED
DOCUMENTS PRETTY HARD. THEY'RE CALLING AMERICA A BANANA
REPUBLIC, AND EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK, THERE ARE CONSERVATIVE
CALLS FOR A CIVIL WAR IN THE U.S.
THAT IS SCARY. OKAY, IF WE DON'T LEAVE THE
EX-PRESIDENT ALONE AND GIVE HIM WHATEVER WHAT HE WANTS, IT IS
NEOCONFEDERATES COULD VIOLENTLY ATTACK THE UNITED STATES...
A YEAR AND A HALF AGO. IN FACT--
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
BEAUTIFUL. IN FACT, RIGHT AFTER THE F.B.I.
RAID, THE TERM "CIVIL WAR" STARTED TRENDING ON TWITTER.
WHICH CAN ONLY MEAN ONE THING: THE CIVIL WAR IS DATING PETE
DAVIDSON!
FOR THEM. ONE PERSON WHO'S ESPECIALLY
ENRAGED IS FOX NEWS HOST AND THE NUMBER-ONE REALTOR IN UNCANNY
VALLEY, JEANINE PIRRO. JUDGE JEANINE HAD SOME ADVICE
FOR THE JUSTICE DEPARTMENT: >> YOU DO NOT BREAK INTO A HOUSE
OF A GUY THAT YOU'VE BEEN WORKING WITH FOR NINE MONTHS,
THAT YOU HAVE TO ADMIT HAS BEEN COOPERATING WITH YOU, FOR
PRESIDENTIAL RECORDS?! NO!"
>> Stephen: IT WASN'T A BREAK-IN, JEANINE.
THEY HAD A WARRANT, AND HE DIDN'T CO-OPERATE!
COOPERATING WOULD HAVE BEEN HANDING OVER ALL 27 BOXES.
HE KEPT 12. THAT'S LIKE A SMUGGLER SAYING,
"YOUR HONOR, I TURNED OVER HALF OF MY HEROIN.
WHAT DO YOU WANT, ALL OF MY HEROIN?
WHAT NEXT, THE COCAINE? OKAY, YOU WANT THE COCAINE.
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S LAWYER FLOATED THIS CONSPIRACY THEORY:
>> QUITE HONESTLY, I'M CONCERNED THAT THEY MAY HAVE PLANTED
SOMETHING. >> Stephen: GOOD POINT.
WHAT IF THEY PLANTED THOSE 12 BOXES OF EVIDENCE?
( GASPS ) THAT'S WHY THEY WERE WEARING
CARGO PANTS! THIS IS A BANANA REPUBLIC!
AND THEY'RE 30% OFF. OF COURSE--
( APPLAUSE )
OF COURSE, NO CLOWN CAR WOULD BE COMPLETE WITHOUT PRESIDENTIAL
SON AND PHANTOM OF THE CONFERENCE ROOM, ERIC.
ERIC JUMPED ON THE RAGE WAGON TO EXPLAIN HOW HE KNEW THIS WAS A
POLITICAL HIT JOB ON HIS DAD. >> MAKE NO MISTAKE, JESSIE.
I KNOW THE WHITE HOUSE AS WELL AS ANYONE.
I SPENT A LOT OF TIME THERE, I KNOW THE SYSTEM.
THIS IS DID NOT HAPPEN WITHOUT JOE BRYDEN'S EXPLICIT APPROVAL.
THE WHITE HOUSE APPROVED OF THIS >> Stephen: "IF THERE'S ONE
THING I LEARNED FROM MY DAD'S TIME IN OFFICE, IT'S THAT THE
PRESIDENT DEFINITELY INTERFERES WITH THE JUSTICE DEPARTMENT!
NO, I AM SERIOUS. I AM SERIOUS AS A HEART ATTACK.
HEART ATTACK. NOTHING HAPPENS WITHOUT HIS
APPROVAL, EXCEPT ME."
SAYING, "I'VE NEVER DONE ANYTHING WRONG.
NOBODY CAN PROVE THAT I EVER DID ANYTHING WRONG.
IT'S PRETTY TOUGH WHEN A CITIZEN WITH AN UNBLEMISHED RECORD MUST
BE HOUNDED FROM HIS HOME. I AM FEELING VERY BAD, VERY BAD.
HOW WOULD YOU FEEL IF THE POLICE, PAID TO PROTECT YOU,
ACTED TOWARDS YOU LIKE THEY ACTED TOWARD ME?"
I'M SORRY, I'M ACTUALLY BEING TOLD THAT'S NOT A QUOTE FROM
THE FORMER PRESIDENT. THAT'S A QUOTE FROM AL CAPONE.
( LAUGHTER )
THEY'RE NOTHING ALIKE. AL CAPONE'S CRIME WAS ORGANIZED.
SO WHY--
AL CAPONE FANS. THE FORMER PRESIDENT IS NOT THE
ONLY ONE IN TROUBLE WITH THE WAR.
SO IS RUDY GIULIANI. THIS ONE-- THIS ONE COMES FROM
THE INVESTIGATION INTO THE EX-PRESIDENT'S INTERFERENCE IN
GEORGIA, WHERE HE DEMANDS THAT THE GEORGIA SECRETARY OF STATE
SOMEHOW FIND HIM 11,780 VOTES-- WHICH, COINCIDENTALLY, IS THE
SAME NUMBER OF INVESTIGATIONS HE'S NOW UNDER.
RUDY WAS ONE OF THE KEY PLAYERS BEHIND THIS PLOT, AND HAS BEEN
ORDERED TO TESTIFY BEFORE A GRAND JURY IN FULTON COUNTY NEXT
WEEK. OH, YOU GOTTA FEEL BAD FOR
GEORGIA. FIRST, THE DEVIL WENT DOWN
THERE, AND NOW THEY HAVE TO GET A VISIT FROM RUDY?
( LAUGHTER )
FIDDLIN'. >> Audience: OOOO"H."
>> Stephen: REALLY, REALLY? NO?
NO? FAIR ENOUGH.
TECHNICALLY HE WAS PLAYING THE ORGAN.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH. YOU'RE WELCOME.
BUT GIULIANI'S ATTORNEY TRIED TO FIGHT THE SUMMONS, CLAIMING RUDY
COULDN'T FLY TO ATLANTA BECAUSE OF A RECENT HEART STENT
OPERATION. APPARENTLY, DOCTORS HAD TO
REMOVE A BLOCKAGE OBSTRUCTING THE FLOW OF LIFE-GIVING
BEAUJOLAIS.
THIS CASE, AND THE JUDGE ORDERED RUDY TO GET TO GEORGIA THIS
MONTH BY A TRAIN, A BUS, OR UBER."
BASICALLY, WHATEVER VEHICLE HE WAKES UP IN.
THERE'S NOT JUST BAD NEWS FOR OUR EX-PRESIDENT.
THERE'S ALSO GOOD NEWS FOR OUR CURRENT PRESIDENT, BECAUSE TODAY
THE LABOR DEPARTMENT REPORTED THAT INFLATION DROPPED TO ZERO!
IT IS FLAT.
FLAT FROM JUNE TO JULY. AND NOT A MINUTE TOO SOON,
BECAUSE AMERICAN FAMILIES HAVE BEEN
HIT HARD BY HIGH PRICES. EVEN WEALTHIER ONES.
CASE IN POINT: RICHER PEOPLE ARE EATING MORE AT
APPLEBEE'S AND IHOP. WELL, OF COURSE THEY ARE.
HAVE YOU EVER HAD A DEEP-FRIED MOZZARELLA STICK?
I'M HAPPILY MARRIED, BUT THAT'S MY HALL PASS.
( LAUGHTER )
APPLEBEE'S AND IHOP ARE WHERE YOU CAN TASTE ALL THE TASTY
TASTES! THE SALTS ARE SALTY, THE FATS
ARE FATTY, AND THE "FOUR CHEESE MAC 'N CHEESE WITH HONEY PEPPER
CHICKEN TENDERS" IS ALL OF THOSE THINGS.
AND WHEN I USED TO BE ON THE ROAD, I ATE THERE ALL THE TIME,
AND I NEVER REGRETTED EATING AT AN APPLEBEE'S WHILE I WAS EATING
IT. AND IHOP IS UNDOUBTEDLY THE BEST
PLACE TO GO IN THE MORNING TO RECOVER FROM EATING AT
APPLEBEE'S THE NIGHT BEFORE. ON AN EARNINGS CALL, A COMPANY
SPOKESMAN SAID "FOLKS THAT OFTEN DINE AT MORE EXPENSIVE
RESTAURANTS ARE NOW FINDING APPLEBEE'S AND IHOP BECAUSE OF
THEIR WELL-KNOWN VALUE." YEAH, EVERYONE LOVES A DEAL,
INCLUDING THE WEALTHY: "AMANDA, GET YOUR PASSPORT,
WE'RE GOING TO THE HOUSE OF PANCAKES INTERNATIONAL.
GARCON, JE VOUDRAIS LE ROOTY TOOTY FRESH AND FRUITY, SIL VOUS
PLAIT!"
BECAUSE--
I SPEAK SEVERAL LANGUAGES.
A TONIER CLIENTELE NOW, THEY'VE ACTUALLY RAISED THEIR PRICES BUT
THROWN IN BONUSES, LIKE ADDING A DOZEN SHRIMP FOR A DOLLAR WHEN
YOU ORDER A STEAK. THAT'S WHERE I GET A LITTLE
SUSPICIOUS.
COST A DOLLAR. IF YOU'RE PAYING 8 CENTS A POP,
THOSE AREN'T SHRIMP. THOSE ARE SEA MONKEYS ON
STEROIDS. WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT. MY GUEST IS "SUCCESSION'S"
KIERAN CULKIN. BUT WHEN WE COME BACK,
"MEANWHILE!" JOIN US, WON'T YOU?