if you've got a loved one with a drug or alcohol problem or any other kind of
addiction for that matter then you know exactly what it's like to be conned
manipulated tricked split lied to all of those things because in order to keep
any type of addiction going you've got to keep everyone around you misdirected
on their toes split against each other it's literally like the addiction is an
orchestra conductor moving all these people and pieces of information around
to create this entire facade or melody of music that's probably misleading to
say the least well if you're really connecting to what I'm talking to here
then you're definitely in luck because we are gonna cover the top eight things
that people with substance use disorders or any other type of addiction do to
keep themselves and the people around them misdirected or in denial
essentially I'm going to give you the inside scoop on all their top tricks so
you can identify them know when they're happening and not fall in the trap
for those of you who are new here I'm amber Hollingsworth master addiction
counselor and you're watching put the shovel down the YouTube channel designed
specifically to help you understand the psychology of addiction so you can
recover your loved one and get back to living the life that you want to live
because I know you're tired of being held hostage by this addiction okay so
let's get on with it lots of you already know I have several videos about
manipulation liess and denial but in this video I'm gonna be going a little bit
more in depth about the ways that addicts and alcoholics
misdirect keep us all confused running in circles and chasing all the wrong leads
and in order to do that I'm gonna be talking about some things from this book
right here it's called smoke and mirrors and it's by Dorothy Marie England
it's not a very big book it's pretty little see that almost looks like a
little handbook a little bit bigger than a handbook but definitely something you
could read in all in one sitting and although I'm gonna cover some of the
information in this book there is a ton more in here it is packed with useful
helpful information if you'd like to get a copy this book I'll put a link in the
description below the author of this book does an excellent job of using the
metaphor of a magician to help explain how people with addictions keep all of
us off track and keep themselves in denial so I'm going to tell you about
eight of the magic tricks that Miss England tells you about in this book now
even if you're not a big fan of magic or magicians you'll be pretty familiar with
these tricks you have at least seen or heard of them and I think you'll be able
to follow along quite nicely the first trick is what miss England calls the
shell game now you've seen this maybe with shells old-school style but I'll
bet you've at least seen this with cups you know like the little red Dixie Cups
where the person may be on the street has the cups there's maybe three or four
of them and there's like a shell or a ball or something like that under one of
those cups and you know they move them around you get to watch them and you get
to guess where the guess which cup the item is under I know you know what I'm
talking about and this game is an excellent metaphor for how addicts and
alcoholics shift around the blame the excuses to keep you constantly looking
in a different direction and confused and chasing all
the wrong leads so just like moving around those cups with the object
underneath addicts and alcoholics will shift the blame so for example they'll
throw you off track by talking about how difficult it is for work how their boss
is a big jerk and they're always on their case and so you'll go down that
road for a while and you'll try to help them solve that problem you'll have
empathy for them and you'll chase that lead for a little while but then maybe
if they're talking to someone else they shift the blame over to you and they
talk about what a big jerk you are and how controlling you are and how you're
always on their case and you're constantly spying on them and they've
got this other person looking under this cup and yet to an even different person
they may talk about some really difficult things that happened in their
childhood now there may be a little truth to all of those different things
but you can see how the addicted person uses that constant shifting of blame
thing to keep everybody distracted and chasing a completely different league
and this game isn't just to keep you off track but it also helps keep them in
denial because they will ruminate perseverate on all of these different
things and use that as emotional justification to continue to use if you
haven't seen my videos on enabling and staying out of the bad cop role
definitely check those out because we address this topic in much more depth
moving on to number two you know the classic magician disappearing act I
probably don't even have to spend too much time explaining the disappearing
act to you because I bet you've seen it in real life people with addictions have
a remarkable ability to disappear in several different ways they have an
ability to constantly be able to disappear from the things that they're
supposed to be responsible or commitments they just don't show up they
just don't do what they're supposed to do lots of times not all the time but
lots of times they don't show up to family functions or they show up really
late or they show up and they're really intoxicated so they're there but they're
not there any of you who have a loved one with a drug or alcohol problem you
know exactly what I'm talking about you call them on the phone they don't answer
you call them on the phone they say I'm on my way I'm only a few minutes late
and the next you know they either don't come or they
come several hours late or they come two days late who knows and another type of
disappearing act that you might be familiar with is more of a psychological
nature it's that ability of the person with a substance abuse problem to
disappear into their own denial they don't see what's right in front of them
they don't see reality the same way you see reality and that's why there's so
much arguing back and forth now before we move on to number three I'd like to
stop for just a second and address an important issue a lot of times when I do
these videos on manipulation or lying or all of those things people can get in a
really big huff and they can feel like I'm being mean or judgmental or
disparaging towards people with substance abuse problems now I know it
may sound like it because I'm sort of like calling the bluff and I'm kind of
like turning the light on the lies and the deceitful behaviors but the truth of
it is is I have a huge heart for anyone with a substance abuse problem I've
spent my whole life helping people but in order to help them you have to stop
falling into these traps not that long ago on a video that I have on Facebook I
think the title of the video is something like how to know when an
addict or an alcoholic is lying to you oh my goodness you should see all the
comments and the arguments that go on in fact there was one person that seemed
really really upset with me because I indicated that addicts and alcoholics
lie and this person left a comment saying that not all addicts and
alcoholics lie well naturally that started a bigger argument and they even
went further to say that by my saying so I could be keeping people from getting
help I could be keeping people scared from reaching out and doing differently
because they're afraid to be judged and that people might kill themselves or die
so I gotta say that was a pretty tough comment to hear but I'm really not gonna
back down from that I'm gonna stand my ground and say all people with
addictions addicts and alcoholics or other addictions lie to some degree and
I'm not saying that in a mean or judgmental way it is literally a symptom
of the problem and from years and years and years of seeing people with
substance abuse problems if I couldn't spot these if I couldn't call them out
and I don't call them out at all I'm very kind or I say it with
humor they literally wouldn't trust me
whatsoever because I think people with substance use disorders really don't
have any trust or respect for you if you don't really know what's up and if you
can't call a spade a spade okay off that tangent back on to number three number
three is the magic hat of course we've all seen this the magician has a magic
hat and he pulls out bunnies or he pulls out those like silky handkerchiefs for
miles and miles and miles or he pulls out something huge out of this little
hat kind of like on Mary Poppins when she pulls out like all those giant
things out of her little bag it's like what the heck else is coming
out of there you don't know what's coming next well the author uses that
metaphor to describe how addicts and alcoholics can pull out these different
various personalities it's almost like these different people come out
depending on the situation and who they're talking to
sometimes they pull out an angry or aggressive personality to get you to
back off sometimes they pull out a pitiful meek mod or victim personality
to get you to do something for them sometimes they pull out a really
reasonable objective personality to help throw you off track if you're dealing
with someone substance use disorder you know exactly what I'm talking about all the
different personalities you don't know what you're gonna get because the
personality is all designed on helping them get to their goal number four card
tricks the classic card trick every magician does the car trick you know
where they have the deck of cards and then you pick one or you mark it or you
write your name on it or you tear the corner off or something like that and
you put it back in the deck and they are miraculously able to pick your card out
every single time well addicts and alcoholics have this magical ability to
their magical ability isn't about picking out the right card it's about
picking out the exact right button to push because they know what your buttons
are they know if grandma is a softie for a sad story and they'll push that victim
button they know if you worry about their grades and then graduating school
so they'll get out of doing things they'll avoid punishments by saying well
if you take my car get to class and I'll fail you see what
I'm talking about they know what button to push if this is your spouse they'll
say what kind of person are you to take your kids mom or dad away they'll push
that button and they know exactly which one every time
they know if they need to push the anger button the guilt button the shame button
the sad button they've got it down to a science now number five is the one that
this author calls the escape act you know like the old school magicians who
used to be in the tank of water with all the chains and the locks and everything
and you think there's no way they're ever going to get out of this or they're
locked in a box well people with an addictions have this magical ability I
know you've seen it because it's like they can escape consequences like no
other like they can get out of arrest they can get out of paying things they can
talk themselves in and out of so many things it really does take a long time
for the consequences to build up or for them to hit bottom because they
literally like escape it and get out of it so many times now eventually it will
catch up to them but I'll tell you there are gonna be hundreds and thousands of
times when they should have gotten some kind of consequences and we're able to
sort of skate through it by the skin of their teeth now we're moving into the
last three make sure you watch this video and get all eight because you've
got to learn how to identify these so you can stop falling for it because
that's the first step to getting your family back on track number six is
sleight of hand you know-how with a magician and they're gonna do
some trick they like show you their hands or they'll show you in the Hat or
under the cloth or under the table they'll make sure and show you that
they're not tricking you they'll have you hold something squeeze something
touch something they'll have the person from the audience come up they'll give
you a piece of truth to throw you off the scent
well addicts and alcoholics love to you sleight of hand they'll definitely give
you a piece of truth and I gotta tell you as a counselor I see this one all
the time this is the one they like to use on me this their favorite one to use
on me they'll give me a piece of truth like for example they'll tell you about
a situation that's going on in their life that's
probably a situation but they won't tell you the whole story so they might tell
you about how they have to take care of their aging parent and so when they miss
sessions or they don't do what they're supposed to they have that to
fall back on and it's easy for the other person to say well I'm sure that they're
just inconsistent because they're going through this or they have this at home
they'll tell you a little about their situation they will explain away or give
them the ability to kind of skirt by on some of their natural responsibilities
or for taking accountability for some of their behaviors sometimes it's a sad
story a lot of times it's an excuse or a reason but it's that little grain of
truth they give you to keep you from seeing the whole big picture for example
a lot of times if somebody's gonna fail a drug screen with me they'll come in
and they'll tell me that they were in the car with someone that's smoking or
they were with their friends and they had this one relapse they'll tell me a
little bit of truth but in the whole truth maybe as they've been using every
day or something like that a little bit of truth to totally throw you off track
you got to be smarter than that all right number seven number seven is that
old-school magician trick that you seen where the magician puts the sword
through the box you know there's usually like a really
pretty lady in the box and the magician just puts the sword right through
usually a bunch of swords and you're like oh my gosh like she's gotta be cut
to pieces you know I'm sure you know that they're really not but it's hard
for you to figure out how they're not well with this kind of magic trick the
magician pretends to be hurting a person when they're really not but when you see
someone with a substance use disorder do this trick it's really the opposite of
that they will in fact hurt you emotionally financially sometimes
physically and don't act like they did it it's the complete opposite so when
they don't follow their responsibilities when they say something hurtful when
they do something hurtful when they split people against each other and then
you confront them about it or you call them out they'll act like you're the
crazy one they'll act like they didn't do it so they really use this trick but in
the opposite way okay before we get to last one which is number eight I'd love
to hear in the comments below have you ever seen any of these
magic tricks have you ever done any of these magic tricks what's your
experience with this or would you like to add one to the list now number eight
is the mind-bending trick of levitation so you see this sometimes Street
magicians will do this and it looks like they're levitating off the ground and
they'll usually sort of put their hand through to show you there's nothing
there that there's no secret prop or anything like that and you're just like
how are they really suspended in air you know it's not possible but somehow
they're doing it they get you to believe that the laws of gravity don't even
apply to them now when people with addictions do this particular magic trick this is a
trick they more use on themselves rather than on you because somehow people with
substance use disorders are able to over and over and over again convince
themselves that the laws of the universe don't apply to them that they're never
gonna have that really bad wreck that they're not gonna get arrested that
they're not gonna flunk out a class that they're never gonna lose that job and
they're probably part of the reason why they think the laws don't apply to them
is because of that escape trick like they've escaped it so many times they
really do convince themselves that it's not gonna happen
earlier today I talked to this lady she she was calling concerned about her
husband and she said she was thinking about leaving and I said well does he
believe you and she said well probably not because I've said it a million times
but I really mean at this time and so because it's not happened so many times
they literally when you say those things when you make those threats when you
tell them how these bad things can happen they literally just blow you off
because in their mind you're being ridiculous you're being overly dramatic
add on a lot more information about the manipulation tactics and strategies and
lies and what to do about the when you have an addicted loved one I'm
going to put it right up here in the corner and all you've got to do is click