Have you met somebody new?
Are you thinking of getting involved in a serious relationship or joining
a ministry or a workplace, or perhaps you're thinking about
partnering with somebody in a new business venture
hi everyone,
i'm Shaneen Megji.
I'm a transition coach.
Welcome to my YouTube series on Toxicity is not your Destiny.
My mission is to help people navigate toxic people and places in their lives
from a biblical, practical and spiritual perspective.
So if you like this video, take a moment right now.
Click that subscribe button,
click that bell, because every week I'm going to be putting out a new video
that will empower you to navigate toxic relationships.
So without further ado, let's talk about seven red flags to look
out for in case you might be getting involved with a covert narcissist.
Now, first, before I jump into the red flags, what is a covert narcissist?
Covert narcissists are exactly the same as regular narcissists.
They would have at least five of these following traits.
Number one, they have a grandiose sense of self-importance.
Number two,
they are preoccupied with unlimited success, power, beauty or ideal love.
Number three, they believe they are special and unique
and can only be understood by or associate with other high status people.
Number four, they require excessive admiration.
Number five, they have a high sense
of entitlement, which comes through as unreasonable expectations or demanding
automatic compliance with their expectations.
Number six, they exploit people.
In other words, they take advantage of others to achieve their own ends.
Number seven, they lack empathy.
They're unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others.
Number eight, they are envious of others
and they believe that others are envious of them.
Number nine, they have arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes.
A covert narcissist is the same as a regular narcissist.
They both would have these traits.
The only difference is that a covert narcissist hides them better.
A covert narcissist has a bit more
emotional intelligence than a regular narcissist because they know very well
that narcissistic traits are a big turnoff for most people.
Their narcissistic traits tend to go
underground, but then they leak out in these very subtle and nuanced ways.
But they are just as destructive, if not more.
When you are around a covert narcissist,
it is like breathing toxic fumes that are odorless and tasteless.
That is how lethal they are.
It's like inhaling carbon monoxide.
You can't taste it or feel it or see it,
but it's toxic and it kills you slowly and silently.
Covert narcissists are wolves in sheep's clothing.
Why do they behave so covertly?
Because they're fully aware that if they
were to show you their true colors, people would not stick around long.
So they have to be very stealth in their approach.
Covert narcissists can act so kind,
so benevolent, so patient, so loving, they can blow you away at first,
making you wonder, "Wow! Can such a person actually exist?"
They seem too good to be true.
And the reality is, they are.
Many covert narcissists can be found in helping professions.
These people can be your teacher,
your counselor, your pastor, your spiritual leader.
They can be a spouse or a partner or a business partner.
They could be somebody you look up to.
This person could be someone who helps
you, who coaches you, who opens doors for you, who promotes you,
who supports your professional or spiritual growth.
Covert narcissists show one face
to the public, which can look very meek and mild and gentle.
But behind closed doors,
they can be negative, contemptuous, full of rage to their families,
their close friends, even their staff-- a Jekyll and Hyde personality.
And the disparity between the two faces
can be so stark that people would have a hard time believing that the covert
narcissist has a dark side to their personality.
Sadly, many leaders,
including Christian leaders who have been so beloved in the public eye,
are ending up in news headlines, guilty of doing things in secret,
like a Jekyll and Hyde that the world could never have imagined.
It is very sobering.
In this video, I'm going to give you seven things you can do
to check for red flags and these things you can do when you're out on a date or
if you're thinking of working for a leader or a boss or partnering with someone
in a business or taking a relationship up to a whole new level.
These are things you can watch and observe.
And I just want to mention that if someone, you know, has one or two of these
things I'm about to describe, it doesn't make them a covert narcissist.
You need to look for a group of behaviors and traits.
And that group of behaviors and traits
need to persist over time in someone's personality.
So if you see many of the things I'm about to say in one person,
that is a big red flag.
I would not associate with someone like that
Or I would weigh the decision very, very carefully.
So let's dive into it.
Here are seven things you can do to see if
someone you know might be a covert narcissist.
Number one, confront them and tell them you have to bring to their attention
something that you believe they are doing wrong, that they need to adjust.
This will trigger rage on the inside of a narcissist.
Now, a covert narcissist will never show you that they are angry.
They may act like they're listening to you,
but deep down inside, they are seething with anger.
They will think, how dare someone like you talk to me like that?
They will make sure you suffer the consequences by punishing you
Or sidelining you in some passive-aggressive way.
Of course, this will not come out directly.
Covert narcissists are stealth.
If the covert narcissist is your boss or leader,
you will find out that you have just been demoted or excluded from something
that you were once part of with no warning or notice.
Or they might withdraw from you or give you the silent treatment and refuse
to communicate about what's wrong or disappear out of your life for a while.
Or they might drop you altogether.
If you notice someone acting this way, they might be a covert narcissist.
Number two, observe how they talk about past
failed relationships of any kind in their past.
If you notice a trend that they blame
others for all the failed relationships in their history, but they never take any
responsibility, you might be interacting with a covert narcissist.
A narcissist tends to have an external locus of control.
That is, they blameshift.
They see themselves as never at fault.
They're always pointing the finger outside of themselves for their bad predicaments.
It is their spouses fault or it is their incompetent employees who have slowed down
their business or their ministry, or it's their bosses fault or their
colleagues fault, or it's their partners fault.
Or the people who should have been supporting them are not giving enough.
They're not praying enough or the devil is
after them because they are doing this unprecedented work for God.
Now, someone who is healthy and wants
to grow and learn from their mistakes or see where they went wrong will be mature
enough to hear someone out and they will be able to filter out the gold
and the good things in what the other person was saying, even if the message was
delivered to them in a critical spirit or an angry tone or in some immature, childish way.
A person who is healthy and who loves God is always looking
for God's voice, even in the imperfect ways that people might say things to them.
Now, where a covert narcissist is concerned,
if a criticism or a constructive feedback is not communicated to them in exactly
the right way, with the right spirit and the right tone,
with the right attitude, in the right context, they will not hear it.
Or if the person delivering a difficult message
is not of the same status as them, they will write that person off.
That person is not qualified to speak into their life.
Covert narcissists are extremely fragile
when it comes to receiving any kind of criticism.
And the thing is, covert narcissists tend to be enemy focused.
That is, they tend to villainize people
and they tend to think that others are jealous of them or envious of them.
Are rallying together to take them out so they have a very hard time with being
challenged or criticized.
Number four, observe how long their relationships last.
Covert narcissists generally cannot maintain long term relationships.
If they are middle-aged,
do they have any close friends who have
been with them for maybe 10, 15 or 20 years?
And if they've lost friends along the way, how did those relationships end?
Covert narcissists generally have to renew their relationships every few years since
people get worn out by them and they don't stick around long.
Covert narcissists are always having to reinvent their circles of relationships
around them every few years, even reinventing themselves.
They also tend to have a lot of broken or blown up relationships in their wake.
Number five, pay attention to how they apologize, cover narcissists,
rarely apologize, but if they do, they will tend to say,
I'm sorry, you felt X, Y, Z when I did X, Y, Z.
In other words, they will feel sorry that you felt hurt
by their actions, but they will never be sorry for what they did.
Number six, pay attention to the type
of people around them in their inner circle. Are they surrounding themselves
with a group of compliant-type people who will execute for them to fulfill their
wishes or their vision? Or are they surrounding themselves
with people who are independent thinkers, leaders in their own right,
with whom they can debate with and be challenged by to deepen their
understanding with or broaden their perspective?
Covert narcissists are not looking
for independent thinkers to surround themselves with.
They are looking for fans who will honor them and make them feel significant.
Covert narcissists are looking for followers who will be utterly
compliant to them, who will be on standby for them at the cost of their followers
spiritual, emotional and physical well-being
Take time to observe their inner-core circle.
Are the people in that circle walking on eggshells? Are they stressed?
Are they disheveled? Are they on constant standby without any life of their own?
Is there much laughter and lightheartedness and banter going on in the circle?
Or is everything always serious, always about productivity,
always about the bottom line or catering to the narcissist in some way?
Chances are the workers are treated like objects or extensions of the narcissist
rather than human beings with their own aspirations and God given purpose.
If you are looking to work for a Christian
minister or a leader who is a covert narcissist who has many of the traits
I just listed, he or she may expect utter compliance from you,
perhaps having unreasonable expectations for you to be on standby for them
with no freedom to set any boundaries.
That person may spiritualize this by saying to you that your submission
to them is a reflection of how submitted you are to God.
But friend, this can be a form of spiritual manipulation.
Number seven, the final thing I'm going to add.
Pay attention to how this person internalizes a past moral failure.
If they've had one.
If they are a narcissist, they will not feel any pain or remorse
about the sin in their hearts or the pain that they caused others.
Instead, they will feel the pain of being deeply hurt or feeling betrayed
by the person who pointed out their sin or exposed their moral failure.
So if you know someone who talks more about feeling betrayed by someone
who calls them out on their failings rather than being hurt or feeling pain
about how their sins hurt others or God, they might be a covert narcissist.
So, friend, beware of covert narcissists.
They are blind guides like Jesus warned about.
Jesus the asked question,
"Can the blind lead the blind? Will they not both fall into the pit?"
If you see a mixture of these signs present, it is a red flag, a big red flag.
You are dealing with a toxic person.
You may be dealing with a covert narcissist.
They have a massive blind spot.
And the scary thing is they think
that they are the only ones who can see and everyone else around them is blind.
Jesus said,
"Can the blind lead the blind? Won't they both fall into the pit?"
Unless God gives you a clear revelation to connect with someone like that, run!
Don't fall into the pit with a covert narcissist.
Now, I did not cover all the signs to detect a covert narcissist in this video.
So my question to you, Have you been in a relationship
with a covert narcissist or someone you thought was one?
And what were the red flags that you saw?
If you have other advices,
please go ahead and post your responses in the comments section below.
I love to read it.
And if you are interested in seeing more content for me and you have not subscribed yet,
go ahead and click the subscribe button and click on the little bell so
that you get alerts, because every single week I'm going to be
posting a new video to empower you to navigate toxic relationships.
So that brings me to the end of this video.
I appreciate you.
Thanks so much for watching.
Till the next time.
Are you going through a difficult
transition or thinking of making a transition?
There is a way you
can transition successfully
into the next phase of your life, and you need to realize that there's
a cost to staying where you are and not transitioning well,
if you don't transition well, it can cost you on so many fronts,
loss of money, stolen time that you never get back.
Wasted efforts, not to mention the strain
it takes on relationships, as well as your emotional, physical and spiritual health.
I'm currently offering a free training
on three key things you can do to navigate your transition.
These are things that brought
a breakthrough in my life and I want to share them with you.
If you would like to access this training, please go to my web page.
I will include the link in the description below.
When you go there,
you can click on the button that says Send me the free training.
Transition is the window where your
decisions can either take you towards your God-given purpose or further away from it.
This training on navigating transition is
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Click on the link in the description below to get access to this free training.
As always, thank you so much for watching.
I hope you guys have a great day and a great week.
I'll see you in the next video.