Guys will sometimes feel very guilty when they're dating you and it has absolutely
nothing to do with infidelity. I'm dating coach and TED Speaker Hayley
Quinn and in this video I'm going to teach you five strategies to avoid the
commitment phobes out there and start really find the love that you deserve.
Of course you're not responsible for somebody else's feelings however guilt can be a really
negative emotion that can enter into our relationships, put pressure on us and ruin our
chances of actually connecting with someone. Some of you out there may be familiar with the concept
of the love bank and what a love bank means is that when we have really positive experiences with
the person we're dating, we put some money in the love bank. It's something that makes us feel more
connected to a person and keeps us closer to them. However, when we feel like we have a disagreement,
when our interests aren't aligned, when we have bad experiences together, we make a withdrawal.
And what can create this cycle of guilt and pressure is when someone isn't aligned with you in
terms of what level of commitment they can offer you, yet there's a lack of clarity around that,
maybe you want to continue the relationship anyway because you really like them. This can then
downward spiral into a really bad cycle of guilt. So just because somebody doesn't want the same
level of commitment as you do, that doesn't make them a bad person. However, if we keep pursuing
relationships which ultimately can't give us what we want, we can pound the cycle of you feeling
constantly like there's just no people out there who are aligned and able to give you what you
want. And for the person or the guy on the other side of that, we actually, you might actually
inadvertently add to his sense of guilt and fear and pressure around starting relationships. So how
do we fix this cycle of him feeling pressure that he can't give you what you want, and you
constantly choosing the wrong kind of people to invest your time and energy in. Tip number 1:
always really listen to people. So sometimes if we really attracted to a person, we can kind of
selectively only hear or listen to or perceive the actions which actually line up with what we
want. If someone is clearly saying to you: "You deserve someone better", then, the truth is you
probably do! So when someone tries to communicate what level of commitment they're able to offer us,
even if it isn't the perfect communication around that, even if it's more like a series of
hints than a direct statement, we really want to perceive how someone is talking about their lives.
If you're dating someone and you're getting an awful lot of "I'm just really focused on myself
right now", then listen to that! Don't assume that this person is going to move from a space where
they don't feel clarity, to feeling clarity just because you like them more. A lot of the time,
the kind of relationship someone is open to it's fixed before you even meet them. It's just
a reflection of where they're at in their lives at this point in time. So really listen clearly
to what someone is able to offer. Tip 2: is to not compromise on your standards for the sake
of keeping someone. I know how it goes: if you meet someone you really connect with, and kind of
early on in the interaction it comes up that they don't want the same level of commitment as you do,
because you feel that strength of connection, it can be really easy to start to convince yourself
you don't want commitment anyway. You'd be like "you know what? that's cool.
You know I've actually got a lot going on at work at the moment and maybe this
watered down version of a relationship is going to be perfect for me!" Stick with the style of
relationship that you wanted before you met them and do not compromise on the standards
that you would hold for a relationship because you're really interested in this person.Tip
3: don't negotiate! If someone has clearly said that they're not interested in the same kind
of relationship as you, don't try and arm twist them into wanting something that they don't want.
So for instance, if the person said that they they're not looking for commitment,
don't go back and say: "Well, maybe we can have an open relationship!". Don't come at a relationship
from a perspective where you feel like you have to negotiate with someone to get the level of
relationship that you want. Instead, have those high standards for yourself, have that self-esteem
to believe there's going to be loads of other people out there who can give you exactly the
same kind of relationship as you want. Seriously, the right people will want the same things as you
so you do not need to arm twist or negotiate anyone into having a relationship with you! Tip 4:
When you've realised that you're not aligned with someone in terms of what they can offer you, let
it go! I know that that's like a million times easier said than done, but it's so important
that rather than lowering your standards, not listening to what they've communicated to you,
trying to get them to a level of commitment they weren't willingly offering at the start of
the relationship, scrap all of that effort and emotional pain and get out of this cycle now!
There's a real grace in just going "you know what, I like this person,
they like me, but we're not at all aligned in terms of our relationship values and you know
what, I'm not going to see this downward spiral, I'm gonna walk away with my head held high
and if in time they shift their perspective in what they're able to offer me,
great! If not, I'm confident in my ability to go out there and meet someone who can.
If you'd like to hear some more confidence boosting mindsets into how you can get the
commitment that you want if that's what you want you can head over to hayleyquinn.com/reallove,
the link is below this video. And if you've liked this video I'd really appreciate it
if you'd give this video a like, a comment a share or maybe even a subscribe to my channel!