No, no, oh God! (begins sobbing) No!!(sobs more) Oh my God whyyyy!? This is scarier than that
husky girl in 7th grade gym class!!
(breath in) Hold up -- Will this thing really hurt me?
[Game Theory intro plays]
Hello Internet, welcome to Game Theory, where I'm happy to say we're finally out
of our blue period! Look! No hot button issues in the title,
no critiques of gamers or the gaming industry,
no sales charts, or serious music, and no
PewDiePie! Well, there he was but he won't be back for the duration of episode.
Leaving us with just our favorite sociopath and a ridiculous question that
can't actually be solved realistically, but we're gonna try to anyway because this
is Game Theory,
damnit and we're back! So question of the day:
just how effective of a bullet is Mario's Bullet Bill?
This actually came in from the Game Theorists' reddit page and when I first
saw the post I instantly knew it had become an episode! Loyal theorists
RumblezMan (Rumble-z-min and ROFLicious (Row-flicious)
did a ton of work to come up with their versions of the answer
and so now it's my job to analyze the data give my take on whether Bullet
Williams really live up to their name, or if they're just a bunch of projectile
posers.
To do that we need to know the force that Bullet Bill O'Reilly is packing.
But first we have to know the scale of the Mushroom Kingdom
using Mario's height; I've calculated it before as 4 foot 8 inches in my two
most controversial videos.
Ha ha yeah right... Boobs and Sonic. The thing is in that calculation i used Super
Smash brawl which has inconsistent scaling across its characters as many
and I mean many "diligent"and
"helpful" commenters are always eager to remind me.
So refinding Mario's height shouldn't be a problem, except for one thing.
Mario fluctuates in size and not just when he has a mushroom either.
It varies game to game his relative size to bowser; always changing. In the jump
from 3d to 2d change, main series games - What are you doing? get that out of here!
We don't acknowledge that game's existence! It's ridiculous! We can prove
the guy has antisocial personality disorder, and that his girlfriend has
Stockholm Syndrome, but we can't tell how FR****N' TALL HE IS?! (sigh). It's a bug up my butt.
Well let's try a different tactic. Why not compare Mario's height to someone
consistent; someone with a height that's easy to prove; someone who starred in one
of the worst games of all time.
Kazaam! We're talking Shaq! What you didn't know about Mario's cameo
appearance in Shaq Fu? Of course you didn't it doesn't exist!
I'm talking about NBA Street Vol. III for the gamecube where Shaquille O'Neal himself
can go toe-to-toe with
Mario "White Men Can't Jump Man" Mario playing the ol' round ball.
If Mario isn't scaled to real size here well that just wouldn't make a lick of sense.
Shaq IRL stands at 7 foot 1inch or 2.16 metres. Comparing the two
using the power of math puts Mario at 4 foot 6 inches or 1.39 meters.
Fiiinally Shaquille O'Neal does something useful in a video game! But seriously
Shaq fu successfully getting funded on Indiegogo. Do you people just have so much
money that you don't know what to do with it or... what am I missing here?
Even more absurd than people actually funding that atrocity, is that now we
need Mario to cross over with himself.
You see we just calculated the height of 3D modern Mario not 2D retro Mario.
Again something you "ever helpful" commenters taught me
(fake coughing) Sonic episode (more fake coughing).
So we need a game that fuses both eras of Mario together.
Can you come up with one I'll let you think about it (jeopardy theme song begins)... Super Mario RPG!
Sorry I couldn't wait that long Super Mario RPG has a Reuben Booster's tower
where you switch between 3d and 2d Mario. By comparing Mario's pre curtain post
curtain and time's running out forms we find that a bit mini Mario is .65
meters or two foot one inch.
It's so tiny but it is humanly possible at that height Mario is just barely taller
than the record holder for the shortest woman in the world
Jyoti Amge who stands at 2 foot .7 inches or .6 meters.
Funny enough though mini Mario would tower over the world's shortest man
Chandra Dangi who stands at an incredible 1 foot 10 inches... 1 FOOT
10 INCHES .55 meters. Having solved that gaming mystery once and for all we can
apply it to our beady-eyed bullets. Remember these "bullets" are
huge so Mario getting hit by one is going to be less of a typical bullet
injury and more like getting hit by a car or falling out of a window.
Those things hurt you because of fast changes in velocity over a short time.
You fall out the window and hit the ground?
You go from moving very quickly to a speed of zero in a fraction of a second.
The body can't handle the force of that change. Quite literally it's not the fall
that kills you it's the sudden stop for a car crash or bullet bill strike
it's the exact opposite. A person in this case Mario will be going from 0 to- some
speed almost instantaneously.
If the screen didn't freeze you would probably see him getting thrown backward
as the bullet bill causes him to accelerate (or plow through his body if the
surface area of the contact is actually quite small but looking at the Bullet
Bill's actually not the case) it's all about force meeting we eventually
want to get here
mass times acceleration equals Fapp. (Fapp? Oh physics you so dirty)
- the coefficient of friction times mass times 9.81 m/s^2 which represents
gravity
today the thing we're interested in is
Fapp well with made isn't that always the case it was also the thing we were
interested in during the boob episode haha
nudge nudge Fapp is the applied force and that's the one that's going to hurt
which is why we're solving for it so let's start filling in these numbers
friction is easy here's a chart that gives bullet shaped objects the
frictional coefficient of .295 and over here
acceleration is zero yes bullet Billy Bob Thornton is accelerating enough to
counteract any wind resistance or should I say drag
he's flying into but his constant speed across the screen means his net
acceleration is zero which knocks out this whole side of the equation
in other words all we need is mass and love but for now we'll just focus on mass.
Bullet billiam Shakespeare here is basically a cylinder with a cone on top
so break out the geometry because we're about to turn up the volume \
volume, get it because we're calculating vol- *sigh*
never mind my jokes are wasted here counting the pixels and then using
Mario's our scale were able to find that each projectile Pete is 112,939
cubic centimeters
no way can you believe it of course you can because that number is meaningless
what the heck does one hundred and twelve thousand cubic centimeters look
like I don't know and i'm certain you don't either
so let me translate that for you that's a bullet the size of a small toddler
headed straight for your face but will it kill you? To know that we need to
unearth what Bullet Billy Mays is made out of
and let's just cut to the chase the answer is iron notice that Bullet Bill
and Ted get launched out of a cannon
clue number one, and not just any cannon and cannons that sometimes received
names like Big Bertha super mario RPG real-life cannons also had a tradition
of being named like "Roaring Megs" from the 17th century or "Moms meg" in
edinburgh scotland new number two
and in the early days of cannon warfare it was round shot the stereotypical
cannonball as we think of it made to rip through the holes of ships a ball
pure iron eventually round shot was completely phased out shells which had
better aerodynamic effects
these two were made out of iron in the airships of Super Mario Brothers 3 we
see both types of ammo getting put to use round shot and our bullet bill
clinton's in the shape of the shell bolt getting shot out of cannons and both
with the same black shine of iron clue number three
so really bullet Bill's are just glorified cannonballs they should be
called cannon-bills, wait, cannonball, cannon bill-... HALF LIFE 3 CONFIRMED!
now iron has a nice mid-range
density and 7.87 grams per cubic centimeter time to visit the DMV or
density equals mass divided by volume
we need mass so markipliying (multiplying) density by volume gives us eight hundred eighty
eight kilograms which again means nothing until you converted into a
metric we all understand and that's one ton 2,000 pounds or half a car's worth
of bullet headed straight at Mario
that'll teach you to grind your brother's shoe at the end of tennis games
so back to our equation 0 equals Fapp minus 0.295 times 888kg times 9.81
m/s^2 that results in two thousand five hundred and seventy newtons of force which
actually that isn't all that much especially for an object of that size
that's half the force of a hundred mile per hour fastball
it takes at least three thousand three hundred Newton's to crack a rib and 4000
to crack the femur
so it's not going to be breaking any bones and to verify I check the speed of everything
Bullet Bill travels at about 12 meters per second or about 27 miles per hour
it'd be like getting hit with a mid-sized moped sure it would
hurt but probably wouldn't do any permanent damage
so we have our answer Bullet Bill? Ha, hardly. More like leisurely meanduring William
ok but let's up the ante surely this guy has to do some damage
Banzai bill these puppies are the size of three mini Mario stacked on top of each other
it's a six foot tall behemoth redoing all the calculations we just went
through volume jumps up to about 7.4 million cubic centimeters mass becomes
about 58,000 kilograms and force skyrockets to 168,000 Newton's that my
friends would certainly do some damage
if it weren't traveling so slowly altogether Bonzai bill clocks in at
7.7 meters per second or 17 miles per hour
it's not like it's coming out of nowhere and surprising you
the hover round is clocking in speeds that would make bonsai feel jealous and
because it's so huge and rounded in the front you're not actually going to be
hit with the full 168,000 Newtons anyway
the impact is going to be spread across a large cross-section of your body
meaning that a lot of that force is going to dissipate elsewhere
no bullet bill is an issue nor his bonsai bill
here's the one you want to look out for the golden bonsai bill even bigger
clocking in at 20 million cubic centimeters
that's the equivalent of about five thousand three hundred gallons
got milk except that we're talking pure gold
so not only is gold member here the biggest bullet in the franchise
it's also the most massive see gold has a very high density over twice as dense
as iron making this gallon guzzler 319,000 kilograms or 430 tons of gold to
compare this one bullet would make up one tenth of the total gold in Fort Knox
in june of 2012 gold
was valued at 1,618 dollars and 82 cents per ounce
that means that this golden bullet would be worth in total $2,227,496,320.98
sorry still not as much as diamond armor oh and it only travels to meters per
second or four miles per hour in total so definitely not deadly
unless of course someone pops a non bill bullet in your ass in their attempts to
steal away the gold
I want to know where the gold at I want the gold get me the gold I want the gold where the gold
at
I want the gold indeed, but hey that's just a theory; a game theory!
thanks for watching did you like the video then you have one different person
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[Ronnie]: "I Quit"
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all while helping out the show seriously though the theorists did such an
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thanks guys game theorists rock my socks