- Let's welcome to the stage right
now Brandon Wardell everybody.
- Yes, hey what's up, what's up everybody.
So this is like the first year of my life where
I've made like an adult amount of money.
Like an actual grown up amount.
And the thing about comedies, it fucks up your perception
of what amount of money is okay.
So I didn't realize I was living in squalor before.
'Cause somebody is a sad thing online, they posted,
"Hey did you know teachers only make 35,000 dollars a year."
And I saw that and I was like, "What, I didn't know teachers
are rich as fuck, what, that's a real number?"
I started doing this thing where I sext all
of my Uber drivers.
Like they'll text me, "Hey, I'm here."
And then I'll be like, "What would you be doing
"if I was there right now?"
I did this weird show recently where,
I did this show in LA where my name wasn't listed
on the poster and then the person running
the show hit me up last minute to be like,
"Hey, there's not a lot people at the show,
"do you still wanna come?"
I was like, "Yeah, sure, I'll come through."
And then I come and there's one person
in the crowd and the one person in the crowd
is an ex of my mine that I haven't talked to in a year.
And so I did not do a set but I really wish
I did a set, I really wish I did a set that night
that was just exclusively crowd work.
Like I wish I just did a set that was 10 minutes
of me like, "Hey so, how's everybody in the crowd doing
"since last year?
"Anybody in the crowd seeing anybody new?"
So I just finished this talk show pilot called Rap Nerd.
It's a show where I interview a bunch of different rappers
and one of the first guys I talked to
was this guy, Fredo Santana and he's just like
this very scary Chicago rapper with a lot of face tattoos
and he's definitely murdered someone and looks like it.
And I look like an anime character.
Like I look like a Japanese person's drawing
of a white person, like that's the look I'm working with.
The two of us are talking and he starts pouring Sprite
into codeine cough syrup, he's making lean
for the unfamiliar and he goes,
"Man, this shit's been making me gain
"so much weight lately."
And I was like, "Oh you should try it with Sprite Zero."
And he responded by laughing at all.
But the thing is, I don't think he knew I was making a joke
'cause I said that and then he was like,
"Nah, man, I have this shit with Diet Mountain Dew once,
"it was nasty."
Which I love that he has no problem
with essentially liquid heroin but like a huge problem
with artificial sugar.
I'm a big Drake fan, I like Drake a lot.
But he had that album come out last year
with Future and it's a weird album
because Future, he's like a guy from the Atlanta hood,
he's lived much harder life than Drake.
And it's a weird album because the whole album
is just Future being like, "Yeah, I used to sleep
"on the floor, I'm really sad, drugs are my only escape,
"I wanna die."
And then Drake being like, "Ah yeah, there's like
"a couple girls I miss here and there but for the most part,
"my life's pretty in order. (audience laughs)
"I don't know, I'm on Ellen next week."
They have like, it's such a weird dynamic
because I can just imagine the two
of them hanging out and Future being like,
"Oh, Drake do you want some Lean?"
and then Drake being like, "Oh, yeah, Lean, yummy."
And just pouring it into a house plant.
"Oh, yum."
It's like a very nice Jewish way.
I went to a Justin Bieber show recently
And the thing about this show is,
it was not advertised as a Justin Bieber concert,
it was advertised as a Justin Bieber Q&A
at the Staples Center.
He sold out the Staples Center three times in one night
for a Q&A and my friend, he hit me up about it, he was like,
"Hey man, I have two free VIP tickets
"to a Justin Bieber Q&A, do you wanna go?"
I was like, "Yes, absolutely, I've never wanted
"to hear anything more in my life, yes.
"Let's go right now."
And so we go and it was the day of that huge tragedy
in Paris and so Justin Bieber's manager, Scooter Braun comes
on stage, he's an adult man named Scooter.
This adult man named Scooter comes on stage
and he's like, "Guys, as you know there was a huge tragedy
"in Paris today so Justin Bieber is going
"to lead us all in prayer."
And then Justin Bieber proceeds to skateboard on stage,
tries to land a kickflip, doesn't land a kickflip,
everybody goes insane anyway and we all bow our heads,
and he was like, "Dear God,
"Dear God, I'm sure things must be so hard
"for you right now.
"But we trust you, Amen."
And that was the whole prayer.
Which like, yeah, I don't know you sold out an arena Q&A,
you fuck models, God gave you pretty good cards,
I'm sure you trust him.
And then the first question was somebody
in the crowd that was like, "Hey, Justin,
"what was it like working with Travis Scott?"
And that was for sure just Travis Scott wearing a wig.
And then more dumb questions, more dumb answers,
then somebodies like, "Hey Justin, what was your day like?"
And then Justin's like, "Man,
"nobody really asks me that."
And then whole crowd's like, "Oh my God, he's so rich
"but he's so sad."
And then eventually, there's a plant in the crowd
that's like, "Hey Justin, how 'bout you play us some music?"
And he was like, "Okay."
And a guy with a guitar comes out
and the whole time everybody in the crowds being like,
"Oh my God, wait, do you think this song's about Selena?
"Wait, oh my God, wait, do you think
"this song's about Selena?"
And it's like, no none of those songs are about Selena,
you know, all of those songs
are just some 50 year old songwriter being like,
"I miss my ex wife, Linda."
Like that's it.
My name is Brandon Wardell, thanks so much, bye.
(crowd applauds)
My parents think I'm at a school play right now. (laughs)
They still don't know that I do standup
and they're just like, "Yeah, I don't know,
"he's doing a bunch of school plays in New York.
"I don't know he's 23 but he's still just keeps
"doing school plays."