It's the holiday season,
a time that is best spent with family and close friends,
which is why, to talk about the holidays,
we're joined by my close friend Neal Brennan, everybody!
(cheering and applause)
What's up, bro?
Hey, uh, in the spirit of Christmas,
I brought you a gift.
That's... that's my book that I gave to you last Christmas.
I know. It's great,
and I don't want to spoil the ending,
but he goes on to host The Daily Show.
Wow.
-Thank you, Neal. -You're welcome.
Trevor, even though I'm clearly in the Christmas spirit,
it turns out not everybody is.
Parents at a New Jersey school seeing red tonight.
They say a substitute teacher was a real grinch.
REPORTER: Angry parents in the city of Montville say the sub
told their kids that Santa isn't real.
And she didn't stop there. She went on to say
that reindeer can't fly and that elves don't exist.
The bah humbug behavior was reported to the principal
by another adult who happened to be
at the room at the same time.
REPORTER 2: The superintendent there confirmed she was fired.
Wow, that...
Yo, that-that's horrible.
I feel so bad for those kids.
I feel bad for the teacher.
She shouldn't have been fired. She should have been promoted.
Yeah, but-- No, I mean, but-but she spoiled Christmas
for all of those kids. Shouldn't we let children believe
in fantasy and wonder?
No, because those kids grow up to be adults
who believe in fantasy and wonder.
And the world is falling apart because of it.
First, it's Santa is real.
Then it's climate change is not real.
Then it's vaccines are bad.
Now my girlfriend has polio.
Thanks, Santa.
Wait, your-your girlfriend h--
Wait, wait, why is it Santa's fault?
Santa is the gateway drug
to believing lies because they're fun.
And I'm tired of it.
We're up to our necks in bullshit.
The world needs more reality.
You ready?
You ready for some reality?
(cheering and applause)
All right.
Here's some reality.
Cleanse diets don't work.
(laughter, whooping)
Lemon juice, honey, and cayenne pepper--
that's not a magical elixir.
That's prison Gatorade.
None of these new age remedies are gonna make you live longer.
My mom is 85 because of genetics,
not because Gwyneth Paltrow
taught her how to steam her vagina.
At least, I don't think.
I haven't kept up with my mom's vagina since I moved out.
My point is detoxes don't work,
yet they're a billion-dollar industry.
Yeah, okay, Neal, Neal, I don't...
Who cares if people do a detox once in a while, man?
It's not something that's gonna actually come back to hurt them.
Okay, you want to talk about something with consequences?
Here we go.
Hey, everybody, Alexa is not your friend.
(laughter)
She transmits everything that happens in your house to Amazon.
If you hired a woman named Alexa,
and she said, "To best assist you,
"I'm gonna record everything you say in private
and send it to Jeff Bezos," I'd say to her,
"Hey, Alexa, get the (bleep) out of my house."
(laughter)
(applause and cheering)
And yet, we're all scarfing up Alexas. Thanks, Santa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. How is Santa related to Alexa?
They are the same thing.
Someone we willingly let into our house
who knows if we're naughty or nice.
(laughter)
That's not holiday magic. That's surveillance.
Neal, dude, I feel like you're just ruining everything.
Okay, this one's personal. This is for you.
Uh, you know how you're always telling me
we should go see a movie?
There's no reason to go to the movies anymore.
But-but some films you need to see on the big screen.
No, I can pay $25 to be in a theatre,
or pay nothing, and I'm in a theatre.
But there's no popcorn. It's not the same experience...
Shh. Black people always talking at the movies.
-No, Neal... (laughs) -(laughter, groaning)
No, but Neal, come on, dude, no.
Like, let... let the people have some fun, man.
No. Fun is killing the world.
Facts only. You ready for some more facts?
-AUDIENCE: Yeah! -(applause, whooping)
Here's another one.
All wine kind of tastes the same.
(laughter)
(applause and cheering)
Yeah.
You can pretend there's smokiness or a hint of oak,
and put it in a sexy glass, but we all know
what it tastes like-- old-ass grapes.
(laughter)
You know who I blame for that?
Here's a hint. He's fat,
lives in the Arctic Circle and doesn't exist.
Neal, Neal, Neal, I don't think
I can ever have you back on the show at this rate, man.
-Great, then let's go for broke. -(laughter)
-Trump's gonna get away with it. -(woman groans)
This guy is touched by an angel. Boo all you want.
He's not gonna get impeached.
Listen to me. He figured out a way
to cheat on his pregnant wife with a porn star and a playmate,
then cover it up with hush money
in the middle of a presidential election,
which he lost by three million votes
and still won.
(laughter, groaning, applause)
He's not getting impeached.
The only way he's leaving office
is if Democrats beat him in 2020,
which brings me to my next stinger.
Democrats aren't gonna beat him in 2020.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Go ahead, "Whoa, whoa, whoa" all you want,
but in your heart you know
that Democrats will trip all over themselves
-and blow it somehow. -Neal,
why would you say something like that here
in front of all these snowflakes? Why, Neal?
(laughter)
Because Republicans buy into their candidate.
Show the Republicans any old white man,
and they're good to go.
Democrats are so picky
when it comes to presidential candidates.
Democrats are like your fussy friend at a restaurant.
They got too many questions, too many substitutions.
They're like, "Can I have the fried chicken,
"but instead of fried, can it be grilled?
And instead of chicken, can it be fish?"
(laughter)
"No? Then I'm ordering the Jill Stein as a protest order."
-(laughter) -So let me get this straight.
You think all of that will be fixed
if we just tell the kids the truth about Santa?
Yes, buddy, because the truth is always better.
Kids, let Uncle Neal chat to you for a minute.
(laughter)
Santa didn't bring you those gifts.
Your parents paid for them. How?
By working their fingers to the bone
at a job they hate that doesn't pay them enough.
So they go into debt to put a smile on your little face.
A debt which has compounding interest
that they will never truly get out from under.
(laughter)
It just grows and grows and grows,
weighing them down for their entire life
until they are finally freed from their obligations
by the sweet release of death.
(laughter, groaning)
And that, children...
is the true meaning of Christmas.
(laughter, applause and cheering)
Neal Brennan, everyone.