• Whose obituary expressed regret about not being hit by a truck?
Why did a woman’s obit list her bra size?
These are 15 of the strangest obituaries ever written.
15 – Dolores Aguilar • Usually an obituary is a place where you
say nice things about people.
• But according to Dolores Aguilar’s obituary, she ”had no hobbies, made no contribution
to society and rarely shared a kind word or deed in her life.
• It goes on to say that she won’t be missed and that there will be no memorial
services.
14 – Louis Casimir • Louis Casimir was a University English
professor, and it kind of showed.
When he died, he had his own self-written obituary ready to go.
• The whole thing seems meant to infuriate anyone who reads it, sarcastically talking
about how he never suffered any real hardships in life.
• He goes on to say that most of his friends grew up to be “petty criminals, prostitutes,
and/or Republicans,” and that he was a daredevil whose last words were “Watch this!”
13 – Chris Connors • This Irishman knew exactly how he wanted
to be remembered.
• Despite suffering from ALS and Stage 4 leukemia, his obituary says he died after
trying to box his bikini-clad hospice nurse.
• It lists his date of death as the date when he “told his last inappropriate joke,”
and then says it can’t be printed.
• It also tells people to pay their open bar tabs instead of sending flowers.
12 – William Ziegler • The first thing this thing says is that
William Ziegler “escaped this mortal realm” to avoid having to make a decision in the
2016 presidential election.
• The last thing it says is that “unlike previous times, this is not a ploy to avoid
creditors or old girlfriends.”
• And somewhere in the middle, it says that if he owed you a beer, he’d let you buy
him another one in Heaven.
11 – Howard Wayne Neal • The self-proclaimed “best concrete contractor
in all of Texas” apparently wishes he hadn’t treated his body like a tavern.
• That’s what his obituary says, along with his penchant for Indian leg wrestling,
because he was an “ornery old bastard.”
10 – Mary Stocks • The beginning of this obituary reads like
a Craigslist ad, since Mary Stocks apparently left her kids a “hell of a lot of stuff.”
• It goes on to poke fun at her cooking skills and her love of four-letter words.
It offers a recipe, sort of, by saying, “If anyone would like a copy of her homemade gravy,
we would suggest that you don’t.”
9 – Emily Phillips • It’s a bit jarring to read an obituary
in first person.
But the first lines of this say, “It pains me to admit it, but apparently, I have passed
away.”
• It then goes on to tell her literal life story for a bit, stuff about her holding the
Guinness World Record in “Hiney Getting” and the like.
• It closes with saying “Today I am happy and I am dancing.
Probably naked.”
8 – Selma Koch • Selma Koch was famous for getting women
into the right size bra.
• Her obituary claims all she ever needed was “a discerning glance and never with
a tape measure.”
• When she died, she was apparently 95 years old and a 34B.
7 – Michael “Flathead” Blanchard • Michael “Flathead” Blanchard’s obituary
is clever, and partially plagiarized.
• First off, he wants you to know that he died as a result of being stubborn and refusing
to follow doctor’s orders.
Also, the memorial service will apparently contain adult material, so no children are
allowed to attend.
• But then there’s this: “many of his childhood friends went on to become criminals,
prostitutes and/or Democrats.”
• Sorry buddy, Louis Casimir used that line four years earlier than you.
He’d have given you an F. 6 – Harry Weathersby Stamps
• This one is a very long list of things he liked and hated, from loving camping and
the History Channel to hating Martha Stewart and Law and Order.
• But one thing he especially hated was Daylight Savings Time.
His obituary urges people to write their Congressman for the repeal of Daylight Savings Time, which
he referred to as the “Devil’s Time.”
• Apparently, he died on the day he would have had to spring forward his clock in 2013,
which his family referred to as his “final protest.”
5 – James William “Jim” Adams • Jim Adams wanted to go out in a very particular
way: being run over by a beer truck on the way to the liquor store to buy booze for a
date.
• He didn’t get that wish, so instead, he encouraged everyone to go out and buy a
drink at the their local bar, and tell the stories he no longer could.
4 – Aaron Joseph Purmort • Aaron Purmort knew he was dying of brain
cancer, and that he wouldn’t get to see his infant son grow up.
• So he did the best possible thing he could do: He wrote himself an obituary about how
he was Spider-Man, and was previously married to Gwen Stefani.
• When that kid grows up and asks what kind of person his father was, he’ll always have
that to refer back to.
3 – Val Patterson • Val Patterson also wrote his own obituary,
but he had a very good reason.
• He basically turned his obit into a tell-all confession.
He admitted to stealing a safe more than 40 years earlier, and that his PhD was a total
sham.
• Apparently, he went in to pay off his student loan from his 3 years of college,
and two weeks later, they mailed him a PhD certificate.
• Apparently, he also ruined the Old Faithful geyser at some point.
2 – Morning Glory Zell-Ravenheart • Morning Glory Zell-Ravenheart was a…
er… “spiritual” person, and also the woman credited with coining the term “polyamory.”
• The woman was absolutely committed to living her life as a witch, even opening a
School of Wizardry in California.
• Among her credits are raising unicorns, becoming a priestess in the “Church of All
Worlds,” and driving around a modified school bus called the “Scarlet Succubus.”
1 – William “Freddie” McCullough • The first six words of this obit are,
“The man.
The myth.
The legend.”
• And that basically sets the tone for what you can expect in the rest of it.
• There is a rundown of the women in his life, including “Momma Margie, Crazy Pam,
Big Tittie Wanda, Spacy Stacy and Sweet Melissa.”
• It also claims he died by rushing into a burning orphanage to save
the children.
Or maybe not.