Welcome back to the show.
Well, it is Thanksgiving week,
and that might mean you're probably
getting ready for some possibly
tense holiday get together.
It's hopefully not.
But if you are, we've got some helpful
advice from the author Nicole Song,
on setting up some boundaries
for the holiday season.
Nicole, thank you so much for being here.
We were just talking about
you know anxiousness,
social anxiety and and and
really feeling like ohh,
what is gonna come at me when
you're heading out to the family,
whether it's your family or the in-laws.
So first of all you say step one
is setting boundaries for yourself.
Well, I find for many people the
anxiety comes from a lack of boundaries
and really just the way to keep
yourself really grounded in general.
So if you are actually practicing
pretty good boundaries with
yourself to keep yourself clear
in general during the holidays,
that will help you a lot.
More than anything else,
that's really a good point.
OK, Step 2, create a step by step plan.
I mean, I feel like this is over
planning for when we're doing this,
but then I think of myself in this
position and I go, you know what,
I could have had a plan.
A plan would help me.
So let's talk about a step by step plan.
It's really actually a simple plan.
So let's face it, we're all super
busy right now and we don't
actually have a ton of time to go
crazy with this and it's really
important to keep yourself grounded.
So I look at it as like a 10 to
15 minute every day going to bed.
10 or 15 minutes early can make
a huge difference.
Getting off your phone for 10
or 15 minutes and a set time
every day or even in the morning,
you could go for a little walk,
but just something that's also
portable because we're traveling,
we're doing so many things right now,
and then just something every day that's
going to help yourself stay grounded.
So come up. So keep that plan in mind.
And that's really for you, not for OK,
I like that clarified commitment.
Well, I love to do this before the holidays.
Like what am I really here
to do for the holidays?
What's my actual commitment?
Is it to have fun?
Is it to have joy?
Is it tradition?
Is it connection?
And then when you're in a position
where you might feel a little bit
anxious at a holiday party or
you're with family that makes you
feel a little bit stressed out.
You can clarify your commitment and say,
ohh, right.
Like, my commitment is actually
to have fun or my commitment
is to have some ease.
Yeah.
And then you actually might be
able to find that versus feeling
like a little stressed in the
corner about whatever is going on.
Yeah.
Reminding yourself of that
step 4A911 exit plan.
Yes, it is important for
all of us in any holiday.
Situation, particularly with family,
just have to weigh out if things are
going South because it happens sometimes.
I mean, everyone has had that
incident during the holidays.
And so in that 911 plan,
it's really helpful to have a friend,
a spouse, somebody who's keeping an
eye out for you and noticing if you're
going off the rails a little bit, OK.
And then they are going to say, hey,
let's go to the store and grab one
more thing or they're gonna say,
hey, do you wanna go outside
and do a little quick walk?
I need a refresher.
Yeah.
And they're just gonna get you out of the
situation where you're feeling stressed
and help you reset yourself again.
Yes.
What is really
important, I have to say, you know,
when we were talking about these things,
I thought they were gonna be boundaries
that we had to set with our families.
But this is really the boundary.
Like this is really for all
of ourselves to work on,
which I think is important.
And I also think that 9911 exit plan,
like, I had that experience
with my in-laws last summer.
We were at a party and I got kind
of grouchy with them because,
you know, I'm not used to like
how they treat each other.
And sometimes I'm like, I don't like that.
But then my one of my.
Cousins in law came over and she's like,
hey, we're good, come on.
And so that helped me so much kind of
regroup and remember my commitments.
What is your overall tip for dealing
with anxiety and social situations?
I would say it's really important to
understand what it is for you that helps
you feel better when you have anxiety.
So this is something like it
could be you go into the bathroom,
you take a few deep breaths,
get yourself reset.
You might have to set a limit on how
long you're actually at the party.
You might have to have a plan in place
with the person you came with to say.
I really need to get out because
this is too much for me. I mean,
I even have limits in terms of how long.
Like if you're traveling to see family,
you would set limits on how long
you're actually doing that.
Because those are all important
for us to help.
Say, OK, I really need to get out of here.
This is something that's
not helping me right now.
And then because I want to have my
commitment. I want to have joy.
I want to have ease.
I want. And I don't want to
ruin it all by the prolonged,
maybe discomfort, right. So, OK.
You would have that conversation with
your ride before you even get there,
right? Yes. OK. Yes.
And So what do you tell your family?
That's like, why are you leaving so soon?
And you say, hey, you know,
we've got a big day tomorrow.
We've got other stuff going on
because who that is actually,
honestly the truth or like,
I really need to get some sleep.
And I would say in general,
with boundaries,
like the more we're really clear
and grounded with ourselves,
we understand what our commitment is.
You can just come up with
something really simple. You know,
it's the tip of the iceberg for boundaries.
I would say that like,
we're just starting to talk about that and
it's still just helpful for you to say,
ohh, there's just a way out.
There's ways to make it really easy.
And family might be like,
we want you to stay and like.
Don't let yourself get peer pressured.
Yeah,
into something that's not actually
going to serve you because
you know then you're gonna be
grumpy and then you'll need your
91 plan and nobody needs
and nobody wants that. Alright.
And thank you so much for these
are some great tips and really
getting you thinking and some
food for thought for all of us.
So we appreciate
you. Thank you so much, Andy. All right.